is it me or him-whats wrong with me/him?
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is it me or him-whats wrong with me/him?
| Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:24pm |
Last nite my boyfriend and I broke up. I am confused on his reasoning and reactions.
Here's our story.
I am 26, he is 25 yrs old.
He works part time, lives at his mom's house and does comics on the side. (thats what he went to college for) It got to be for a few months I could go a week without talking to him or seeing him. I was told once that when I called him he was too nice to say he was busy. So I tried not to call him. We emailed every few days. And of course movies, dates etc. (we went out for 15 months) The last few weeks he was super busy and I saw him maybe once for less than 2 hours and another time for 5 minutes at his work.
So then he emails me and says "can I come over after work Thursday and see you for at least a few minutes?" I was excited.
Shortened version:
So he came over, we sat down on the couch, and he started saying something like Life is a wonderful and terrible thing. It gets blurry after that. He told me I'm a wonderful person and I think he said he was crazy for breaking up with me. He said we aren't meant for eachother and we both know it. We were too different. I told him I had thought about breaking up with him but didnt because I'd weighed the pros and cons. He said you shouldnt have to do that. I told him I had chances to break up and go with other guys but I realized no one's perfect and I love him.
He said he's been talking for the last few times with his therapist about this. I told him if he changed his mind, I'd be there. He told me that wasn't fair to me. He got his stuff, set it down, and held me so tight. I stayed there and then pushed him away and told him he had to leave. I thought I'd just die if I stayed that way much longer. Knowing I wouldnt get hugged by him again. Then at the door I kissed him and he kissed me back. Not just ok, I'll give her one last peck. It had something in it. I realized it during, broke it off and shut the door, sat down and cried.
I read his daily comic online and on his blog underneath it said "life is a terrible thing"
What is wrong with him? Or is it me? Please understand I've never loved like I loved him and I'm not normally a blubbering idiot.
Here's our story.
I am 26, he is 25 yrs old.
He works part time, lives at his mom's house and does comics on the side. (thats what he went to college for) It got to be for a few months I could go a week without talking to him or seeing him. I was told once that when I called him he was too nice to say he was busy. So I tried not to call him. We emailed every few days. And of course movies, dates etc. (we went out for 15 months) The last few weeks he was super busy and I saw him maybe once for less than 2 hours and another time for 5 minutes at his work.
So then he emails me and says "can I come over after work Thursday and see you for at least a few minutes?" I was excited.
Shortened version:
So he came over, we sat down on the couch, and he started saying something like Life is a wonderful and terrible thing. It gets blurry after that. He told me I'm a wonderful person and I think he said he was crazy for breaking up with me. He said we aren't meant for eachother and we both know it. We were too different. I told him I had thought about breaking up with him but didnt because I'd weighed the pros and cons. He said you shouldnt have to do that. I told him I had chances to break up and go with other guys but I realized no one's perfect and I love him.
He said he's been talking for the last few times with his therapist about this. I told him if he changed his mind, I'd be there. He told me that wasn't fair to me. He got his stuff, set it down, and held me so tight. I stayed there and then pushed him away and told him he had to leave. I thought I'd just die if I stayed that way much longer. Knowing I wouldnt get hugged by him again. Then at the door I kissed him and he kissed me back. Not just ok, I'll give her one last peck. It had something in it. I realized it during, broke it off and shut the door, sat down and cried.
I read his daily comic online and on his blog underneath it said "life is a terrible thing"
What is wrong with him? Or is it me? Please understand I've never loved like I loved him and I'm not normally a blubbering idiot.

Well, here's the thing. he's not "all he wants to be in life" - nobody wants to be 25, living with his mother, doing "comics' on the side and real work to make quasi-money that doesn't fund independence 40 hours a week.
That someone being 17....thinking "i'm the next Mick Jagger" when they can hardly hold a tune.
That's fine if you're 14 or 17 or even 20. But at some point, there has to be some reality and logic meet the dreams and desires and expectations and a call to Jesus meeting happens then.
It's fine if for his entire life he wants to "try to do comic" and if he ever hits it big - great. But while doing that - he's got to realize he has got to create by his own definition, efforts, means, and standards a "great life" that he's got on his own - without assistance, intervention, enabling and providership and leaderhship from someone else.
I'm willing to bet you've got a degree or a good paying job, that is in a profession that you're fairly happy in. You live on your own, you set your own rules, schedules, goals, and priorities and you have no curfew or deadline unless it's a priority to you. That's being "independent' in the most fundamental sense. It's "survival independence".....but it's independence.
He doesn't have that - he's living by rules and restrictions, on someone else's dime and time to some extent, doing nothing with his life except what is minimally required beucase he's "on hold' until his comics take off and make him famous. And he easily MIGHT live that way until he's 40 and 60...if his mother will tolerate it, and she has the funding to make it possible for him to do.
He saw you....your independence, freedom, options and adulthood that he doesn't possess - but is the right age for. HE thought being with you - would make him like you - in the successful, confident sense.
He's figuring out what we all learn the hard way the first time - with rights come responsibility, and with success comes effort. We all look at the gold medal and say "I want to win that' - but very few research thoroughly the sacrifice, effort, dedication, and requirement of achieving it possibly.....that is required on a daily basis.
Is all that worth it - to "maybe" win gold. Every olympian thinks so. But not everybody by a long shot agrees.
So he's trying to do what is very typical - he's half-a$$ing the project. He's doing the barest of minimums to get by in the most dependent sense of life...while he's spending lots of itmes and "dreamland" about what'll result when he hits the big time in the comic industry. It might not happen. Chances are if he's sitting around dreaming about it -it won't. People's dreams don't become reality just becuase they're dreams. Research, sacrifice, and effort are required, so is talent, opportunity and sometimes just plain luck.
He'd love to stay with you.....but what he has begun to feel around you is second-rate and adolescent. YOu're moving up and on in the adult world every day -and every day that he's with you he has a double-edged sword to face. Whhile with you it's easy to pretend that he's mature, secure, confident, carefree, independent and optioned. You're never wanting to lord it over him that you're more capable and independent and mature, so you're putting whatever is yours at his disposal so that he'll "fit in and feel at home".
In doing that...he's gratified and pleased....till he gets away from you and has to return to the rules, regulation and supervision and restraint of someone else - because he refuses to take responsiblity for his destiny and his life. So when he's with you it's great...but when he's away from you he's reminded of allthat he's not and is now not in benefit of...and it gnaws at him.
He's made the choice of the idealistic, immature and unrealistic. He's choosing his "potential" rather than reality. And he's disassociating from you so that he can stop being reminded on a subliminal level every minute of what he's not.
So in your case, he's doing you a tremendous favor. Because the other option he might hve been wanting to discuss was him moving in with you, you paying the bills like you do now, him contributing when he can, and him being underfoot, in need, and "a work in progress that has hit a writer's block" in terms of life in your life, in your wallet, and in your daily schedule.
He's choosing to go back to a location where he's apparently unconditionally applauded and accepted for pursuing his potential, to his immediate and long-term detriment. Be glad this happened....and then examine yourself as to why you didn't want someone like you to begin wtih - that is at your station in life, is goal focused, independent, and self-reliant like you are.
Because that you didn't want that - speaks volumes about issues you need to address. The next guy might not have a mommy to fund his "potential while destroying his future." The next one easily may need you without question in terms of providership, and waht you don't want is to becoming an adult's "mommy'> Adult children rarely mature.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
vivaciousdame....
Pianoguy thinks that this man's concentration is on the comics FIRST....and you're basically secondary (aka convenient to see when he wants to).
Since you had originally thought of breaking up with him....stick with the plan and find somebody who isn't completely preoccupied with his profession!
Hmmmm...
You know what?
"I told him if he changed his mind, I'd be there."
Please, please, oh please, don't do this! 1. He doesn't deserve you waiting around for him if he's willing to end it (all that other stuff about his career goals and lifestyle aside, he DID break it off, meaning he doesn't value you as someone worth sticking around for... which you are, darnit!). 2. YOU have a life to live in the meantime (parties to attend, books to read, jobs to succeed at, other men to scope out, or whatever your fancy); that life is NOT worth putting on hold for an absent man.
IMHO
~Stacy
D
I feel better because I wrote him a very adult snail mail letter telling him things he needed to hear about himself. (I wasnt mean at all, otherwise he wouldnt listen to constructive criticism)
I am moving on. I thank all of you.
Love,
Sheri