Is it normal to feel this way?
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| Thu, 08-04-2005 - 2:07pm |
I've never wanted to break up with someone before. In my past relationships, I've always wanted to stay in the relationship, but the guy would always be the one who would end it.
So it was weird for me when back in October, I started to feel like I wanted out of the 2 1/2 year relationship I was in. I just wasn't even attracted to him anymore, little things he did annoyed me, I felt like I called him and spent time with him only because I was obligated to. And, more importantly, I knew that we both wanted different things out of life as far as where we wanted to live, the lifestyle we wanted, etc.
Because of this, I started acting "difficult" towards him for the next few months. I guess I picked fights with him just to push him away so that maybe he would break up with me without me having to do it. I just didn't know how to break up with someone, and I didn't want to hurt him.
I guess it worked because we mutually decided to break up in March. We kept in touch still, but I tried to talk to him less and less. I really felt relieved, free, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder.
Then, a month later, he called me and said he really wanted to be with me. He was so down and depressed. I still cared about him -- I mean, how can you not after being with someone for almost three years. I just felt so bad that I decided to get back together with him. I thought I should give it a shot. Maybe it could work out and I'd get those feelings back for him.
Well, we tried it for a month, but throughout the whole time, I think I was being "difficult" again -- trying to push him away. After a month, he came to me and said that he realized it wasn't going to work -- mainly because we wanted different things in life -- but also because he didn't like how I had been acting towards him. I was fine with it then, but then a few days later, something weird kicked in in me...
I started to feel like I wanted him back in my life! I felt that I missed him and I started to get jealous and wonder whether or not he was seeing someone else. I mean, I started to obsess over what he was doing, etc., and a month into the breakup, I am still doing it! I even find myself thinking that we could work out our differences and compromise about what we want in the future -- even though I truly know we can't.
What is wrong with me? I've always thought you should trust your first instinct -- and mine was back in October when I knew I didn't want to be with this guy. So why am I feeling this way now? Is my ego just hurt that he broke it off? Am I just lonely and feeling bad that I'm alone (which I have a history of feeling when I don't have a boyfriend), so it's not really him that I'm missing? Did I make a mistake and do I really want to be with him, even though I feel in my head that I truly don't? I feel that if we were to get back together, give it a few weeks or a month and I'd start feeling like I didn't want him again...I mean, I know people who break up with others, miss them, get back together with them, and then realize they didn't want to get back together, so they end it again. Is this what I am experiencing?
Any feedback would be appreciated. I have experienced really deep depression before over breakups where I've had to go under medication and through therapy, and I don't want to go through that again. I truly hope that this is just a normal outcome when ending a relationship -- even if you were the one who wanted it to end.
Edited 8/5/2005 12:08 am ET ET by courtcd
