Is it over forever? please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Is it over forever? please help me
3
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 7:16pm

I'm a 20-yr-old college student and my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Basically, he broke up with me because I was constantly starting fights with him. In the beginning of our relationship ("the honeymoon phase"), he was amazing - he usually let me have my way, and was just the sweetest guy that I've ever met. I also did many things for him, because I liked him so much and I knew how much he cared about me (since I saw him like every day and he constantly told me).

However, in February, I was only able to see him once or twice a week because he is in a fraternity and he had to help with the new pledges. I was used to seeing him almost every day, and I became very paranoid that he absence indicated that he no longer liked me as much. Also, he became less willing to let me have my way usually. I know now that he stopped giving into my every request because the "honeymoon phase" was over and we were now in a serious relationship, in which each person must give in order to take.

Whenever he refused to do something for me (and it was always some small, stupid request of mine), I turned the situation into a huge, overly-dramatic fight. I realize now that I started these stupid fights because I just wanted him to let me have my way, so I'd feel like I had more power and control in our relationship. I guess I felt like I needed to have more power in our relationship in order to feel like he really liked me enough to give me that power.

It took these 2 weeks that we have been apart for me to realize why he broke up with me. I haven't had many serious relationships (I'm only 20), and I was just not prepared to date a guy who wanted to have his way 50% of the time. I realize now that when one person gets their way all the time, that is not a relationship!

I called him up last night, and went to his house to tell him how sorry I am and how I realize now how badly I messed up. I was just used to him always doing what I wanted, and when the "honeymoon phase" of the first few months ended, I began to worry that he didn't like me as much anymore. I told him all of this, and appoligized profusely. He told me that he forgives me, but that he does not want to get back together. He said that he believes we are just not compatible (although we had an incredible, practically fight-free relationship for 5 months), and that my overly-emotional reactions to small things scared him and that he was not prepared to deal with that kind of drama. Also, during the fight in which he dumped me, I told him I loved him. He told me, last night, that he uses the word sparingly and cares greatly for me, but cannot say that he loves me. I tried to explain to him that I care greatly for him and only said I love you because I was scared and emotional (that's the truth).

Although for the first 5 months we had an incredible relationship, in which we both "gave and took", I think he believes that if we continue to date, I will continue to start these petty fights with him if I do not get my way. It took him breaking up with me for me to realize just how badly I was acting and how poorly I was treating him, and I'd give anything to go back in time and act like the normal, rational human being that I know I am.

He ended our talk by saying that he still wants to be friends We go to the same college and live in the same town so we are bound to run into each other regardless. I know there is no way now that I can "talk" him into getting back together, but do you think it would be a good idea to be his friend in the hope that he somehow realizes how great we were together and how we should give it another chance? Or would cutting off all contact make him miss me and want to try again? Or should I let him see me out with other guys at bars/parties in the hope of making him jealous? Or should I just give up - have I really, just by starting fights for 2 weeks, acted so badly that I deserve to not be given another chance?

I'm really sorry if this is a really long post. I just can't stop thinking about him and how much I miss him. I don't know if we could be together "forever" (I'm only 20), but we worked soooo well together and I know that he both care about each other so much, still. To anyone who can advise me, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I really appreciate it!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2002
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 7:31pm

I would only be friends with him, if being friends with him is something you want. I would not be friends with him in the hopes of getting back together...but if he is a good person whom you enjoy spending time with, and you would like to be able to keep that part of him in your life without any romantic involvement, then friends is something you may be able to ease into at some point. But for right now, it's best to get some time away from him so you can start to heal.


Honestly, I think it sounds like he's thought this over and believes in his decision to not be with you. And I don't mean that in a harsh way, but I don't think there's a chance you'll get back together...if you were to become friends again, and you weren't as emotional, I suspect he would chalk that up to the fact that you're friends and not dating. Not necessarily that you're a changed person.


But the good news is that it sounds like you really learned a lot about yourself and about relationships from all of this. And don't underestimate how important that is. I am sure you will meet someone else in time whom you care about, and the first guy out may not hold a candle to your ex, but hang in there, eventually someone will rock your world again and next time you will be the better for it because you've learned more about what goes into a successful relationship.


So I would plan to move on from the ex as far as romance goes, take some time and decide if you truly want to be friends with him down the road, and look towards the future when you can put your recent life lessons to use.


Hang in there


Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:21pm
I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up...I know it's really tough.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 2:11am

hm.. im trying to heal from a break up after 2 and a half years and hell it hurts alot.. like i wanted to marry this girl..

anyways all guys are different and we do not think the same.. 6 months, is quite long, but think how bad it would if you were engaged or you were married?
i mean there are other people out there with more worse sitations than ours..

but lets focus on this situation
no relationship is ever "perfect"
you were probably like my ex, always get what she wants and is spoiled..
honestly it was not good.. and when i stopped spoiling her and being sweet, she complained see.. but the reason why i stopped is because she never fully appreciated the things i would do for her, and god knows what i did..

right now, ask your self "what can u do?" sorry, but u can't do sh!t right now..
i know it's gay, but it's the truth
i want to get back with my ex soooo damn bad.. to make it worse, she dumped me and went out right a guy right away.. it's hard knowing that your love is with another person right now..
i honestly don't know what to tell you how to get him back because i dont know him..
but stay strong.. heal first.. and show him what he's missing out on..