Is it possible...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Is it possible...
4
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:12pm
For people to truly change?

I am pretty undecided...

I believe that people are born with a certain personality and that it develops along with your external influences (family, peers, etc). I believe that your surroundings and environment help determine who you become, but that every person is made up of a core foundation.

For instance...CHEATERS--do they ever really change?

My ex-boyfriend has admittedly cheated on every single girl he's ever dated in his past. He now says that he would never cheat on his new girlfriend (although he told me the exact same thing while we were dating)...I am wondering if this is true or not. I know that sometimes it's just a matter of maturing/growing up...that people need time to develop, etc. But I kinda believe that cheating is a part of his personality that will never change...that it's just a part of who he is, his nature. Or am I being naive? Maybe he just had to meet the right person...

I understand that sh*t happens and that people make mistakes. But if a person has always been a cheater, will they ever stop? I think the fact that my ex has had a pattern of this type of behavior says a lot...I think it's somewhat different than someone who has just cheated one time in their life and admits it was a mistake, etc (not trying to say that cheating is acceptable). After we broke up, my ex told me all about how he had cheated on me. He also brought up an ex-girlfriend and bragged about how he had cheated on her all the time too. I asked, "Didn't you feel guilty at all for doing that?" and he said "Honestly, I think she knew." I think he really believed that it was ok because his ex-girlfriend supposedly knew about his cheating habits and put up with it. Maybe their relationship was different...maybe it was more "open." But I still don't think that gave him an excuse to do what he did.

I guess I'm just curious as to what others think. Do you guys believe that people can change? Maybe the new girl my ex is dating really is "the one" and maybe she'll change him for the better...or maybe he'll just end up doing what he's done to all the other girls in his life.

Do you think that a person can stop cheating when they find the right person, or is it just a part of their personality that will never change? I was bitter for a long time about my ex...but I've slowly moved on, and I can honestly say that I hope he ends up happy someday, despite all the pain and hurt he's caused me. I want him to find the right girl for him (I know it isn't me) and I hope that he changes for the better. I just don't know if it's possible...what do YOU think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:23pm
Well, I don't think it's a matter of finding the "right person." But if alcoholics can stop drinking, and addicts can stop using, then, yes, I think properly motivated people can realize how much any destructive behavior hurts themselves and their loved ones and change (usually with professional help, though). Who cares why he cheats, though? He'll never stop until he's ashamed and disgusted with himself for betraying the trust his partner places in him, until he is just as shocked and sickened by infidelity as you are, and he seeks out help to make the necessary changes in himself. If he sees it as routine and harmless, no new person is going to change that outlook. It's a matter of change from within himself, not meeting someone new.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:22am
Thanks for your input milton.

You always give such insightful answers :)

I had never thought of it as having to be a change within himself...I always looked at it from another perspective--him meeting the right person and changing for HER. But I can see your point...he has to want to change for himself.

Then again...maybe his girlfriend now CAN make him want to change...not only for himself, but for her as well. Who knows. I guess I was just curious as to whether others thought it was even possible for a person to change at all. I realize that addicts CAN change their ways/habits, but I also think cheating is a somewhat different situation. So although you helped me look at it in a different way, I am still undecided.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:53pm
Just be very careful and look for the early warning signs.. I think once a cheater, always a cheater !

-c
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:08pm
I think that is *possible* for people to change but they really have to *want* to and they really have to work hard at it. From what I've seen.....people with patterns, like your ex has, rarely change permanetly....they may change for a month or so but eventually go back to being the way they were.....I think to some people....cheating is a high....an addiction if you will.....they love the feeling of knowing they can get caught at any time....like an adreniline rush or something. And yes I know that some people have made such changes but they are few and far between.









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