Is it possible to stay friends after??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Is it possible to stay friends after??
4
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:37pm
I have just been dumped. Hard. I made the fatal mistake of going out with a guy who was one of my closest friends. I don't know how it happened, there was a mutual attraction, and before we knew it, we were a couple. That was a month ago. We've had a very good relationship, I really loved him and still do, and up to last weekend everything was going well between us. There was no real sign of an imminant breakup. The last few day however I did notice that he seemed distant and not so in sync with me. I am a university student in the netherlands, i'm 22 years old and very inexperienced in relationships. I was not on campus this week because of a trip, and all of a sudden last night I get a phone call from my (now ex) boyfriend. He tells me he's been thinking alot, that we're too different and that I quickly got too attached to him while his feelings didn't evolve much. He very bluntly put it to me "it is over between us". I am in shock. I don't know what happened. He's the first guy that I really truely had strong feelings for.
True, i was a bit clingy the last couple of days, and emotionally needy.I have tried phoning him or speaking online, but he is maintains his position and refuses to explain more,and is concerned about how I am taking the news.
But when i spoke to one of our mutual friends today, she tells me that he is in very bad shape, he has told her that he can't sleep because of me, he's always thinking or me, and breaking up was the hardest thing he's ever done.
I don't know what to think everything that has happened. I don't know how we can manage to be friends, and i really want to. I'm afraid that we have wrecked was was once a good friendship. I think I can bear losing him as a boyfriend, after much heartache and time, but I can't imagine him being out of my life for good.
Does anyone have advice on how I should approch the situation when I see him this weekend? Can I do anything to help make the transition from 'couple' to friends' possible?
I am so confused about this, and I suppose that I have to talk to him to know what happened.
Camille
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 4:24pm

i'm so sorry to hear this.....but maybe if you still keep on bugging him about that...he might run away more from you...YOU MIGHT WORSEN THE SITUATION...if you think you didnt do anything bad or can really think whats the reason of his break up....as a friendly advised....give him space cuz he ask for it and just respect his desicion...you know guys they dont like to be chase by us....YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE....ONEDAY....I'M PRETTY SURE ABOUT THIS HE WILL MISS YOU TOO.....JUST LIKE WHAT HAPPEN TO ME AND MY EXBF..at first i always initiate the contact...ofcourse i'm just a human...trust me i got tired of it...i finally stop calling him.....now his the one contacting me and wants to see me..but i refuse cuz i rather not to.

so keep yourself busy...everything will be oky..just cry if you need to...this will help you to ease the pain...GOOD LUCK

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 5:04pm

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

The short answer to your question is YES, it is possible...but not right away. Both of you need time to get over your romantic feelings for each other, and that generally takes a period of no (or minimal) contact. But eventually, you should be able to reconnect as friends. Of course, that assumes that both people want to do so...obviously you can't control what he wants but since you were friends beforehand, I bet you'll be able to be friends again. Just not right NOW.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 5:58pm

I am wondering why you are going to see him this weekend? If you are broken up, you really should have no contact with him until your hurt emotions past or at least decrease to where you can talk to him without saying anything you might regret. 15 years ago I started dating a guy who I was very good friends with and I fell in love with him. He ended up cheating on me after 4 months and it pretty much destroyed not only our relationship but also our friendship. It has taken me this long to tell myself that I can be friends with him if I ever run into him so the moral of my story is to give yourself time away from him until you know for sure you can be just friends without anything deeper. It really takes a lot from both sides to be friends after a break up.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 2:14am
Thank you for your help. I think you are right, I shouldn't rush things, and stop seeing him a while. I have to get over the break up first.
Just to answer a question you had, I am seeing him this weekend because I don't have a choice really. I am doing a pratical placement in a company far from campus, and I didn't see him this week, nor will I see him for the next two weeks. But, the point is, I go back on weekends, and he happens to live in the same block of houses as me. We have the same circle of friends and I think a discussion between us is unavoidable. I will let you know what happened during the weekend
Camille