Is it really over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Is it really over?
5
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 2:46am
My (ex?) boyfriend and I have been together for over five years. He is 29 and I am 27. First long term (more than 6 month) relationship for him, second for me. Our relationship was great. During our relationship, he suffered an injury and basically was offered but then could not accept his dream job. I have also had a hard time with my health and losing a loved one during this time. Work has been especially demanding of me for the past year or so. But we always supported each other. A year ago, he went on antidepressants. Since then, his libidio has dropped a lot and he has problems maintaining relations, but it has been happening about once a month. He is still incredibly caring, we hold hands, snuggle, call each other pet names, always say we love each other...basically we are just extremly affectionate. A week before my birthday, he must have problems in the bedroom because he is not attracted to me. There was a period a few months ago where we agreed he could try to be romantic with another woman to see how he felt. He ended up kissing another woman and said he felt nothing. While he was saying this, he also said that he loved me very much and that we were best friends. He has talked to me since, called me on my birthday and still says he loves me. But I found out that he went on a date with another girl a day after he told me all of this. Does he really want it to be over? I love this man with all my heart and do not want things to be over. I am very happy being with him, even if it is just sitting at home watching TV. He said he would go to counseling with me. I am just really confused. Is this relationship over or should I still have hope? It really makes me worry because I so enjoy spending time with him, his support, and just having him in my life. Hopefully, all of that made sense! Thanks in advance for listening!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: gatank
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 8:04am

Hi gatank,

There were all kinds of things going on in your relationship working against it, threatening it. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's doomsday for you, but you're really close. It's going to take pretty much a radical shift in thinking and in actions in order to change tracks. The good news is that your problems are pretty typical of long-term relationships so you're almost like a textbook case.

A few things:
1. Lowered health. On both your parts, neither one of you is "firing on all cylinders." Of course that will affect your general outlook and activity level. I suggest you get with your doctor to help figure out a plan to get you active and healthy again. This will increase your metabolism and exercise has the added benefit of making you feel good both physically and mentally.

2. Outside stressors. Increased workload, dreams not realized, stress brought home from work. all of these are romance killers. Leave the job at work and make a concerted effort to not bring any of the problems or stresses from it home. I personally pretty much refuse to talk about my work away from work unless it's a positive event. As far as your bf not realizing his dream, broken dreams only hurt when we hold onto the broken parts. It's actually easy enough to let go of them and create a new dream. It's ALL about what you focus on, or what you help him focus on.

3. Depression and related medication. Huge romance killers. Everything just has a generally bleak outlook and nothing seems to go right, be enough, fix anything, it's supreme disillusionment. Medication to even that out has sexual side effects, lowers or even kills libido. Again, get with the doctor regarding adjusting the dosage, but do not adjust without medical supervision. Medicine does not fix things on it's own. A healthy lifestyle, reprogramming of thought processes to focus on positive expectations, and even some counseling should all be part of the plan to get better. If it's not, that's not a complete attempt to improve the situation, in my opinion.

4. Allowing another person to fill roles that should be reserved for the relationship partners. This is sometimes done emotionally, but also physically and results in affairs of both types. I understand some folks roll this way, to have open relationships and that's just great as long as both parties are fully in agreement on that, but it seems you were just doing that as a last-ditch effort to get him interested in you again, and also that you don't fully agree with this lifestyle choice. Now it's backfiring on you. Always and without exception remain true to your real feelings and values.

5. Allowing the benefits of a relationship without any of the work or responsibility involved. Massive attraction killer. Why on earth should anyone need to maintain a relationship if they get the benefits of one without having to do anything for it? No reason at all. The best and easiest way to kill a man's attraction for a woman and his desire for a relationship with her is to be too available and offer him the benefits of a relationship without even being in one. You may *think* you have a relationship because you spent the last five years in one, but if I'm gong to be honest, men generally don't see things that way. They aren't about the cumulative effects and events of the relationship, they are about what's going on now, and what's going on now with you is he can call and say lovely things and you'll sleep with him about once a month if 'm understanding your post correctly, and that you won't move on so he can keep you as back-burner girl probably indefinitely this way.

6. Allowing the energy level to drop too low in the relationship. ....."I am very happy being with him, even if it is just sitting at home watching TV."..... Never let those words escape your mouth or your fingers again. Apparently, he's happy going on dates and can find plenty of energy enough to actually ask someone out and take her somewhere, proving the concept that if a man really wants something, nothing will stop him from finding a way. Why wasn't that you? If he can go on dates with other women, there is NO reason why you should have been expecting any less when you were together. Do not be the comfort zone, do not be the back-burner blockbuster night girl. Do not be happy getting his crumbs when other women are getting the whole shebang. YOU should have been the one he's going on dates with, not them. Remember to always keep dating. My parents have been married over 40 years and they still have a weekly date. Probably one of the best reasons why they're still married.

I'm not sure if this is still salvageable, I'm unclear as to how far into the dating he's gotten. But YOU can change your actions and your attitude and quit with the sitting at home pining for him while he's romancing other women. Working on all of these items I've mentioned, starting with readjusting your attitude towards yourself and what you should be not only expecting from your relationship but also what you are putting into it, should go a really long way towards your attraction factor, whether it's with your ex or someone possibly better suited to you.

Best of luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
In reply to: gatank
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 4:15pm
Today he says he wants to date this other girl that he met and not be anything but friends with me. It hurts really bad. To be together for so long and then move on in a day. It stings a little more that he did this right before my birthday because I have to face getting older and being alone on the same day! I mean I know he has issues and that is why he is on the antidepressants, but I never thought he could be so cold hearted to me and turn all loving emotion off like that. His mother called me crying, saying that he was making such a big mistake, and that she still wanted to make sure I had a good birthday. It is so hard! What can one do to make the time pass easier? I have had break ups before, but this is hitting me really, really hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
In reply to: gatank
Sun, 03-02-2008 - 10:09pm
Oh, and it has been a week since everything happened. From what I hear from a mutual friend though, there is a possibility that this girl is young (maybe senior in high school?). That makes it even more confusing! Any advice on what to do if that is the case?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
In reply to: gatank
Mon, 03-03-2008 - 11:58am

Wow, gatank--I know the feeling. My breakup came after five years also, and while I've had breakups before, none of them have been after a relationship of that duration that I was *sure* was going to work out. It's been four weeks since my own breakup, and to pass the time, I've tried my best to get involved in new things. I was lucky to be taking a new job at the same time that the breakup happened, which definitely helped me to keep my mind off things. However, I also starting taking a dance class, something that I've wanted to do for a long time, and just never got up and actually did it. Sometimes it makes me miss him more, because he would have been happy for me that I finally did it, but at the same time, it gives me something to work on and learn, which keeps my mind off things far more than sitting at home in front of the television with a container of Ben & Jerry's.

I wish you the best in dealing with this difficult situation and hope you are able to find some things to help you pass the time more quickly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
In reply to: gatank
Mon, 03-03-2008 - 9:03pm

I would suggest detaching right now.

Soliel