Is it really over?
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| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 9:11am |
I am new to this and feel so unconfortable doing this but I need to talk to someone other than my friends. I talk to them and they tell me to do this and do that but it is not the same. I feel as though it is so easy for them to tell me that but they are not the ones who are going through it. Okay - here is my story.
From the beginning - I met this man and we began to talk. He kinda scared me because it seemed to me that he kinda feel to quick. I pushed him away and that was the beginning of our problems. That was 9 years ago. We have been doing this yo-yo thing for some time. Over the years we have become best friends. We would date and get really close and then for some reason he would say "this isn't working for me" and leave. But he would always come back. To make this story a little shorter. Last year, he asked me and my son to move in with him. Against my better judgement, I did. I loved the fact that we were there together talking and building for the future. We got along very well and then on Feb 17, 2004 he said that he was buying a house and that he no longer wanted to be with me. He said that I could move out of the house or stay there with him until he moved. I did not want to uproot my child out of school so late in the game, so I stayed. But it was like we was still together.??? In March, he closed on his house and left. I know that right then, it should have been over for me but it wasn't. I tried to move on. I started going out with a girlfriend and was doing good. He would call and want to go to dinner or something and finally I started again.
We started spending more time together and it really felt good. He gave me a key to his house which made me uncomfortable but I took it anyway. It was not to long after that that he asked for his key back but were we were did not change. I needed to get away cause I was stressed out really bad from work and life at home. I decieded at the last minute to take a trip and he invited himself. We went to Cancun and had a great time just relaxing and having nice converstation. I had surgery on Sept 7 - he was right there. He stayed with me in the hospital and then took care of me at his house for 2 weeks after that. I asked to go home cause I knew that I had to at some time. He would still come by and check on me almost daily. That started to slow down. He is my best friend and I know him like a book just like he knows me like a book. I knew that he had started seeing someone and the way he was treating me - I am guessing that he really likes this person.
I started checking his emails which I know is wrong. But for some reason in my mind, if I knew what was going on I could deal with it better. In a way it helps me deal with it but it hurts like hell. Two Sundays ago, he came by the house to pick up some of his tools. He was here being himself. He wanted to fix things and so forth like always. His phone rang and I knew it was a female from the way he was talking. He started questioning me about what was wrong. He said he knew something wasn't right. Now from 2/17 til now, he has not seen me shed a tear over our situation. But for some reason, the tears just started falling and I could not stop. He came and held me and kissed my tears until I came out and told him that I missed him. I missed us. I missed waking up with him and all of the things that we did together. Right at that moment, I felt like the weakest person around. He said that he knew and understood what I was saying. He said that he was there and he kew exactly how I was feeling. He said that he missed us too but that we could not be together. He had moved on past that point. He said that it would be up to emotions to lead us back together.
I pushed him away and went into the other room. He followed. He was stilling trying to hold me and at the same time, kissing my tears still. All I could think about is God just change his mind. We shared some good memories and then he left. From that point, I have been crying and crying. I can't eat nor sleep. I told him that I really wanted him to be happy. He thanked me for saying that to him but considers me a friend now. How can you draw the line from where we were to just being friends. In my mind, friends don't do the things that we do for each other. I know that I can't deal with seeing him with someone else but I know that it is bound to happen cause we live so close together.
Oh, I just bought me a house in August. He was here putting blinds up, installing the garage door and other things. He has helped me out a lot even though he was trying to move on.
In checking his emails, I have read that how he is really "digging" her and how she is "digging" him. But in the mist of those emails, when he comes here, he stills greets me at the door with a kiss. And when he leaves, he gives me a kiss. Monday he said that I had quite a few pieces of clothing at his house that he wanted to bring to me. He said that in doing what he was doing, he did not need all of my stuff out in the open. He said that he was however going to leave some things over there so that I would have something to change into. My question (in my mind) is why???? If he is dating this person and she is at his house or he at hers, why leave some of my clothing at his house? In this same converation - I asked him if how the "weaning himself" off of me was going. He said not good. I told him that I did not believe him. Deep down, I really wanted that to be true but then I thought about all of the emails that he and his new friend have been sending back and forth and I say he is lying to me.
This morning he sent her an email and said that he could not wait to get home to be with her even if it is only for a minute. I had a couple of tears fall but then they stopped. I read the email and then I closed it and found this site. I keep telling myself that if I knew if it was really over then I could deal with it. I keep telling myself that if he left me and bought a house and now is seeing someone, why can't he just leave me alone?
I am so trying to deal with this but it is so hard. I know that I don't have a choice about moving forward. I am scared that if I say don't call me and so forth, that I am going to loose my bestfriend in the process. My mind is saying move on but my heart won't hear that. I am stuck at home due to medical leave and I can't do hardly anything. It feels as though the walls are crumbling down on me and he is out having a good time. Please help shed some light on my situation. Please give me some insight on how to get through this troubling time in my life.
All I want is to be back with him and get past this. But since I know that is not possible, if I just see him - I am okay. Is that crazy? Do he do the things he do just to keep me hanging on? Do or did he ever love or feel for me the way I felt for him? Will he come back? I know that if it was meant to be then it will be but if it wasn't then it will never be. These are my thoughts. Thank you for listening.
| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 2:03pm |

