It is so difficult to pack....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
It is so difficult to pack....
6
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:55am
Hi

I am trying to avoid packing so I decided to write a short post...

I´m feeling so low right now.

My fiance and I have just broken our 14-year long relationship, of which we lived together for more than 4 years and were engaged for 2 years 8 months. We made the decision together and still keep in touch. We care a lot of each other but we had so many problems (in communication mainly) that we saw no future together..

He moved out three weeks ago, I helped him to move. And I am moving this weekend. I really should be packing right now but I just can´t do it.. I have started but it feels so difficult and slow.. I was there to help him pack, I wish he was here to help me. It feels so awful to pack our home and break our memories.. He is going to help me move, that makes moving a lot easier for me.

Well, I guess I have to go now and try to pack a little again. I have half a bottle of red wine, maybe that will help me.

Take care everybody.

Katriella




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 1:29pm
I'm so sorry Katriella... I know how you feel. I am moving out in a month and I tried to start packing last Sunday. That was no doubt my worst day since we ended it.

I'm excited to be going to stay with my family for awhile, but it is so hard, especially to come across little things he gave me, etc.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Hang in there... we'll both be happy again someday, I know we will.

Hugs,

Kim

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:05pm
Hi Kim

Thank you for your post. I didn´t know this would be this difficult. I have been packing but I feel miserable and hopeless and it feels like it´s going to take an eternity to pack all the things. I feel so powerless. I don´t want to pack and yet I know I have to. I want to move away from here, away from the memories we shared (he doesn´t understand why I don´t want to stay here- he would have wanted but he moved out first because he gor an apartment first). I spent all last week painting my new apartment. It was a lot of work (I have never painted before) but it was what I needed, I didn´t have the time to think about anything and I was SO tired in the evenings that I fell asleep quite easily. The last couple of days after I finished painting have been hard. Especially today. I thought this (packing) would be easier. I even had to call him an hour and a half ago. We haven´t talked in about a week. I have sent him a couple of messages but he hasn´t replied since Monday. Now when I called, he sent me an sms at the same time. What a co-incidence- and not even the first one. It happened before. Telepathy? I cried SO much while we talked, I couldn´t help it. He cried, too. He feels so bad, too. But he also said that the first two weeks were the worst for him and now he has slowly started to begin a new life. I am selfish but I feel miserable thinking that it is so much easier for him already. I wish he felt as bad as I do. Aren´t I terrible? We talked about it (I feel I can say anything to him) and he said that it was terrible, terrible for him in the beginning. Probably the reality hasn´t hit me yet since I spent a week with my parents and then I have been painting. I have been busy. But now I have more time to think.. He said that next week will probably be the worst for me. I´m so scared... I won´t even have an internet connection until September (I do have it until Saturday this week)... I guess I will just have to cry a lot and then try to think of something to do. Movies perhaps?

It was so comforting to see that I am not alone. Thank you, Kim.

Katriella

ps. Does listening to the radio make you feel worse? I made the mistake to open the radio today and it makes me feel extra bad...






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 4:53pm
Hi Katriella,

I can really understand how you're feeling... it's such a hard thing to go through. Though, I think if we remained where we were, it would be much harder. I'm sure it will really hit my ex when all of my stuff is out of the apartment. He is staying there until the lease is up at the end of October.

You're not being selfish at all. My ex says this is just as hard on him, though I'm not sure, as he was the one who ended it. This is the first time I've been the one who's been "left" so to speak, and while it's no fun to be the one to decide to end the relationship, this is much, much worse. I have thought, I hope he really feels bad after I'm gone and regrets this later. I felt guilty for thinking that though...

What happened with between you two? We've been together for 3 1/2 years (nothing compared to your situation!) but I really thought he'd be with me forever. He had brought up marriage and starting a family several times. He now says he won't be ready for that for a few more years and he knows I want those things now, which I do, but not with just anyone... I wanted those things with him. Now he says he "needs to be alone" to figure things out and to figure out what will make him happy. I know he's not happy with his money situation and a few other things going on in his life, as well. He wants me to stay in the area while he works through this, but I've decided that I must move away from here. It's too painful to stay, and I refuse to sit around and wait for him to decide. I would rather be alone than not know what's going to happen. I don't know if he still thinks he can work it out or not.

Tomorrow is his birthday, so I'm a bit sad. I don't see him much, which I guess is good. We work fairly different hours, and I haven't talked to him since briefly on Tuesday. I know this is hard for him too, he does feel bad, crying, etc.

Oh wow- I'm sorry about all this rambling. When you do have your internet access back, please post and let me know how you're doing. I'll be thinking of you. : )

I know what you mean about music- it's so hard to hear anything- that was one thing that drew us together- our love for the same music.

Take care Katriella... you'll make it through this.

Kim

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:27pm
Katriella and Kim... neither of you should feel bad or guilty for your feelings... I'm specifically referring to hoping that your ex is hurting too and that it's awful for him... anger is a normal stage of the grieving process... it's OK to feel mad. I have felt the same way for so many reasons...

Katriella... 14 yrs is a long time. I gotta tell you, you're nicer than I am! When my husband walked out for the second time in 9 yrs, I DID NOT help him pack... no way I was going to help him walk out on me. And this was more or less an amicable split. But I was there as he packed up every item he was taking and with every item that went into boxes another little piece of me was shredded. Everyone says to look at this like a new beginning... have you heard that one too? UGH! I didn't want a new beginning... I wanted my marriage. Unfortunately it takes two people that are BOTH dedicated to a relationship for it to work.

I feel for you... it's gonna hurt... but it slowly gets better if you allow it to. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. You just need to figure out what you can do for you that makes you happy. You can't look to someone else to provide it for you... and this goes for me too!

I bought a diamond ring that I'd wanted forever and rescued a second dog to keep my guy company (the ex took the other 2 pets leaving my Pug alone...) These are some little, reasonable things that have brought me some joy.

You'll be in my thoughts... take care OK? I hope the new apt brings some peace... it is tough to stay where all the memories are so it sounds like you've already made a good, pro-active decision... Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:33pm
Advice: Be glad you get to pack your own stuff!

When I got kicked out by my ex, I had only been out of surgery for 5 days. I couldn't lift anything over 5 Lbs, and it hurt to stand for more that 5 minutes. My mom, dad, and ex moved all my stuff out of the house. I didn't have the chance to move my own stuff out, and I even had to go back a few times to get more stuff because I couldn't help pack the first time. Every time I had to go back, it was like moving out all over again.

Be greatful for what you have!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 11:56am
Oh sweetie...I know what you're going through has to be tough...but it seems you both are being good sports and you know what's best for you in the long run. It will be a big adjustment but you'll make it through....and maybe when it's all said and done...you will have a great friend in him. We're here to help if you need us. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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