It still really hurts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
It still really hurts...
2
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 8:46pm

I posted about this last week, it's been one week since the last time he and i communicated. I'm finding it so hard not to call and scream on his answering macine every night.... or send mean e-mails. I am so angry at him for using me and my life just as a "fantasy" to get out of his real world. I want to know he feels pain, but i highly doubt it.

I sent the other girlfriend in london, a package last week with a healing book and the whole true story of what our relationship was... as i know he lies like crazy.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. I just wanted to get the truth out there.

How can you get over things like this... it's driving me nuts...

synopsis: I was in a long relationship with, whom I thought was the love of my life. He showered me with gifts, trips, spentime with my family , and friends, and worst of all kept convincing me to trust in is true love for me. He lives internationally, but we kept our relationship strong talking several times a day, hundreds of photos sent back and forth and then always the upcoming trips to be with each other. It was such an idyllic realtionship, we laughed together all the time, loved each other like it was a dream, dancing on the clouds.. I was involved with his whole family, as well.. looking forward to my upcoming travels to the UK. A few days before christmas, I recieved a call on my answering macine, that he has had another girlfriend in london, and just had to break things off with me. that same morning, he sent e-cards, love notes.. etc.. I was on my way to work when I got the message, it seemed like a sick joke. I finally got him on the phone and he said it was the truth. He was just here in my home only 2 weeks prior.. I still can't believe someone could be so cruel. I left work early to find that I had recieved a letter from this woman ( he apparently has lived with off and on for 17 years. She had intercepted one of my christmas cards. This woman is apparently ill, and my ex wanted to console her when he arrived back in London. He has said he stays with her for guilt reasons. I was just his fantasy life, come true. I am so angry, and hurt, and still in shock that this man had the capability to be so heartless. The last I heard from him was new years eve, a drunk call when it hit midnight in London, "This isn't the way things are suppossed to be... but this is our circumstance forever" He said he still loves me and always will.. I don't believe that scociopaths can feel. They only feel the happiness they want when need it and then toss the victim aside. He did admit that he was planning on continuing this as far as he could. Planning more trips and adventures. What made his lies so believable, again, was that he sent 300 pictures of his home, himself in his home, countless calls from his friends and family, calling me his girlfriend. How do these people exist? It has been so hard everyday to realize the man I loved was a complete fake. There is nothing that can take this deep pain away. I tried leaving nasty messages, e-mails... but know that it's only going to hurt me in the end. Letting go of someone you loved so much, that you never really knew is so incredibly painful. I've lost trust in love, I hope one day I can get it back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 10:47pm
I'm so sorry to hear your story. You have every right to be angry. But, you are right, calling & leaving nasty messages or sending nasty emails will not help. Instead of being angry about how he deceived and hurt you maybe someday you will learn to be happy for all of the wonderful times that you shared. It sounds like you got to live life more fully than most of us ever get a chance to. Each relationship is a learning experience. Don't let this one turn you bitter and untrusting of any new relationship. Take your time and heal. Learn to appreciate yourself and what you have in your life (without him). Think of how much better off you are without such a deceitful partner. When you are ready, focus on what you want in a relationship, not what you don't want. We tend to attract into our lives whatever we are most focused on. If you are most focused on not wanting a deceitful lover, you will attract them one after the other. Focus on wanting a loving, caring, honest relationship and eventually that is what you will attract. Just think, this guy thought of you as his 'fantasy girl'. You must be pretty special. Just remember that as you go into your new life without him. You are very special and deserving of a wonderful man in your life. Know that in your heart and it will happen for you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 1:28am

Oh, it must still hurt like hell!! And unfortunately it probably will for a while. But you *will* get through it eventually...I'm finally starting to feel a little better 8 weeks after my ex just stopped talking to me after 1.5 years. But a few weeks ago I thought I'd feel like that forever (even though I knew logically that I wouldn't).

I would highly recommend that you read a book called "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward. Hopefully it will help you feel better...I know it helped me deal with a lying ex--not this guy, a prior relationship--if only because it made me realize I'm far from the first smart woman who's fallen for a liar's lies.

It also has a good chapter at the end about regaining trust in *yourself*.

Sheri