It still stings a bit
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 05-23-2006 - 7:04pm |
Each day, it gets a tiny, tiny, tiny bit better.
I'm still going through all the emotions. I still think back to what he would be doing now, expecting him to call, like he did every night I wasn't at his place, tonight being my last night at home, because I'd be at his place for the weekend, starting tomorrow.
It's been a week. I think I'm going through the "angry" stage right now. I'm angry he faked the last 5 months, when I felt more loved than ever before. Maybe he was trying so hard to make it work, to make himself believe that he loved me, but he just couldn't find the passion, like he said to me.
It's all coming down to this, and I know it - It wasn't meant to be. That's it. It wasn't in the cards, books, stars, clouds, whatever. It just wasn't meant to be between two people. We gave it a shot. I'm sure we both figured it would work out forever. It's hard to think it won't now. We were supposed to be perfect for eachother, but that isn't the case, that's just the way it was meant to be.
I'm starting to think back, well was it this or that or the other thing? Was it the physical intimacy, was it something else, what was it? Case in point, and I know I HAVE to believe this sooner or later, if it was meant to be, it would have been. There wouldn't have been the "what if's" or "why not's". It just would have happened.
I believe in things happening for a reason. They just do. If they happen, and they are meant to be, then it is wonderful. If however, for some reason, they happen, and don't work out, well there's probably a million reasons why. Not to mention the fact that every dark cloud has a silver lining.
The thing I find most odd is how my father knew. He KNEW he wasn't the one for me. It's wierd how my dad knows me so well, and he said he just had this feeling way back when that this wasn't the one for me. Isn't that wierd? As much as I HATE to admit it, I had the exact same feeling......the exact same one. I just need to believe that feeling. I know it's there, but I've managed to push it really far back in the bottom of my feet.

I'm glad to see you making some progress. The first week is the hardest. The second one is a bit easier. It sounds like you haven't had any contact at all with him, is that right? I'm in a bit of a limbo period myself, and I really hate that.
It sounds like you have begun to understand that it wasn't you, that there was nothing you could have done or said that would have changed the situation. I see your progress as a positive sign. It makes me believe that it's possible for myself. Thanks! And continue feeling better, but don't be surprised when the strong sadness overwhelms you at times, as it's bound to do.
Hi there, thanks so much for your encouraging words. I know we can help eachother get through this.
I have had no contact with him since, well I guess the day we broke up. It was a cold rainy morning, and as we were leaving to go to our vehicles, he said he'd call me later on, but never did. I didn't want him to. I think he said that more out of habit than anything. I did talk with him briefly over the computer a day later, and it was just like opening up new wounds again. I could tell he was hurting, and so was I. Our conversation was struggling to be as normal as possible. It was wierd, and it hurt. I cannot talk to him for awhile. I just can't. The last one I broke up with, I could, no problem, because I was so wanting to get out of that relationship for the last three months, and I was so happy to get rid of him, it was no problem being friendly with him(we worked together too). He gave me solid reasons why he didn't want to be with me, things I had zero control over. I understood his way of life, he understood mine, it was nothing we both wanted to intermingle with, life goes on. He ended up apologizing endlessly about three weeks later, and wanted me back more than anything, but I said no way. But that's what makes this one so much harder, there was no define reason, no right or wrong, just unhappiness. I guess you never really know the feeling unless you are there yourself, right?
I do get really sad at points still. But before, my entire day was filled with it. Now, it's just at times I feel the tears welling up. More or less when I think of what will not be there anymore, and what was before. But I cannot stop my life to mope about that. Things just aren't meant to be. I can take comfort knowing that this didn't drag out any longer, or we didn't get married and then have to face this, either being married or with three kids. I guess if it wasn't right for the last six months, it wasn't going to be right when we first started going out, and it wasn't going to be right six years down the road. Eventually, it would have came to an end. I guess that's the nucleus of "It Wasn't Meant To Be".
Yes it's still hard to realize. Yes it still hurts. I don't know if I'm being selfish or witchy with a *b*, but I really have no desire to contact him, in fact, I really don't want to be in contact with him for a very long time. It's much too raw. It's like the wound under the band-aid. You think it's healed, so you peel it back a bit, to see that it's still there. But while you took a peek, the band-aid lost some of it's grip, so every now and then, it comes off, exposing that wound a little more. Eventually that wound heals, but it will take a heck of a lot longer, and it might leave a scar behind because it never got the chance to properly heal.