Is it time to break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Is it time to break up?
4
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 6:17pm

So I have posted on here a couple of times in the past about my relatinship and the problems we have been having. A quick summary for everyone....I am 29, he is 32. I have a son (from a previous relationship), that is 7. We all live together. We have been together for almost 2 years. We have had issues since the beginning but b/c i loved him, I thought that we could make it and work thru them. For example, I am very affectionate, he is not at all. I am positive and a "go getter", he is kind of lazy and negative. I am going to school and working full time to better our future, he works a job he hates but won't even attempt to get a new one. Don't get me wrong, he has his positive traits and I love him very much. Also, my son adores him and loves him as well (his father is not in the picture). However, things just aren't working. A couple of weeks ago we decided that we will give it until our lease is up (at the end of this month) and then decide what to do. We had another huge fight a couple of days later and now he has been really trying to change and be better. However, I am still just not feeling it.  I love him and want to be with him, so why am I not happy? I feel like everything he does annoys me. His attitude, outlook on life and especially his huge problem of fear of change. I am also afraid that if we resign our lease and agree to work on it, that his "changing" will only last a couple of weeks and then things will go back to how they were. 

So I guess my question is this. How do I now it is time to break it off? Are we just going thru a rough patch? I am SO afraid of breaking it off then realizing that I made a mistake. How do you know?!?!?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 6:57pm

Yes, it is time to break up.

Your intuition has been trying to tell you for weeks that this relationship has run its course, that's why you're "not feeling it". Of course he's trying to be better, he's realized that his gravy train is about to stop. If you renew the lease with him you can be pretty sure that things will return to how they were 6 weeks ago. Exit now while you can. If he miraculously reinvents himself into someone compatible with you and a good father figure for your son, then he can come find you and you can decide then if you want to try it again with him.

Go back and read your previous posts and the replies, as many times as necessary, until you can accept that its time to move on for yourself and your son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 7:05pm

Thank you for the response. I know what I need to do, just looking for that final push. You know? Something telling me that it is the right thing to do.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 10:40am

The best way to choose a lifetime partner is to pick someone who you don't want to change. It takes time to know who a person really is. I'm sure he was on his best behavior when you two first met. People make mistakes, which is okay as long as you learn from them. Since you have a son, and even if you didn't, in a future relationship, don't move in with a man until you've known him at least two years. That way, you know him well enough to make that major decision. Don't introduce your child to a man until 4 to 6 months after dating, when you're confident the relationship has long term ability. Make a must have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it. If a man lacks must haves or possesses dealbreakers, break it off immediately. You've learned that you need someone affectionate and someone with a high work ethic. Put those on your list.

When a woman's done, she's done. Even if he changes, it's probably too late. He may even end up feeling animosity towards you for having put in so much effort to change his ways. He'll probably never feel good enough. Chalk it up to being incompatible. He has a right to be who he is without someone wanting to change him and you have to right to say the relationship is not right for you and walk away. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 1:30pm

time to break up and time to put this whole situation to rest.

the sooner the healthier the better