Is it Time to Finally Let Go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Is it Time to Finally Let Go?
7
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 5:52pm

Hi, I've been with my fiance for almost a year and a half, the relationship has had its ups and down, but we've been engaged since October of last year and we've changed our wedding dates at least 4 times total, 2 times due to conflicts in our schedules (we're both in the military) and a couple of times due to us wanting to be sure. Anyways, we have a date in July and I've made it very public to my family so that they can start making arrangements on their end. My fiance picked the place and I've been doing the leg work since, pricing, budgeting our money for this event, etc.... I even bought the dress and paid for my parents airline tickets, a total of 1300.00. Last night I spoke with him and asked for his share which is very affordable for us, under 3000.00 total to secure the place and pay for everything that goes along. He complained about him having ulcers and not feeling well and didn't really want to discuss anything. I asked if his parents were going to come or not (they live in another state and I have to include that as an expense) and he said he didn't know. I've been hearing that for over a week already. Well we got off the phone and I just couldn't sleep last night, worrying about everything. This morning I called him and really just 'let go', explaining to him that I don't understand his stance now, when he's always said he loved me, i'm the one, anytime and anyplace we could do this (get married). He simply told me that he doesn't know about anything now! That the thought of being married is weighing on him and the whole 'cold feet' thing.

This is my dilemma. I do believe that poeple go thru that before a wedding, however, I have put my time, effort, money in this and all of my family think that everything is honky dorey. IT IS NOT. I also believe that when a man is ready to commit, that that's it! He just knows that 'she' is the one. Apparantly I'm not the one for him. I feel betrayed, hurt, stupid, etc....... He did not say he didn't want to get married, however I cannot continue to be with a man whom I've dedicated all of my time and effort with, who isn't sure. Do you agree? Am I being too harsh? I'm very hell bent on next month being the date, we've both prolonged our wedding date enough times and people are going to start asking questions and most of all, I'm ready to become a married woman. But I'm also a very strong, independent woman who can move on and count this as a loss. Please tell me what you think?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:00pm
It sounds like he's just getting a bit nervous. Sometimes wedding preparations really stress people out. There's an ivillage board for people planning weddings this year. I suggest you post your message on their to get a sense from those ladies about how common your situation is. One thing that makes me pause is how ready you seem to walk away from this. I realize that that's probably partly due to feeling hurt that he doesn't sound more enthuasiastic, but could you be having doubts as well? I'll bet that's also pretty common right before the big day. It's a big decision, and you need to be 100% sure that it's the right one. Is it July next month that you're getting married? Or July 2007?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:04pm

I think you need to postphone the wedding day. I just recently had the same treatment with my boyfriend (will soon by my ex) but we were not ready for a wedding yet but he gave the lines of "I Love You", "You are the only for me", "I hope our relationship last", blah, blah, you know all the stuff a guys tells you that you assume you will have a life together. I have heard these lines for 8 months. Well, for the last month, I have felt very much alone in my relationship with him and I have called him for the last time before I went to bed last night. If the dude doesn't call me back, we are done and I am not going to have his laziness and disrespect rule my life and I advice you do the same. I have been married before and it barely lasted 5 years because we both got into something without loving each other like we were supposed to. Just make sure he has the same feeling for you and commuicate that with him. He has to have the same goals as you do in your relationship or your wedding will be a waste of time and money. It is hard as hell to let someone go that you love, believe me I am feeling the pain right now and I know each day will get better but make sure whatever you decide that you have a good support system of family and friends (not your boyfriend)

Good luck and I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 8:12pm

I thought about your post and re-read it and I've changed opinion and tack.


It's tough, and sometimes the added uncertainties of a military marriage are a bit overwhelming, especially in the world we live in today.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:41pm
Thank you for your insight, the date was actually July 06 (this year). You know what??? After speaking with my father about all of this, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps both of us are afraid of marriage (to each other, I mean). We've had our ups and downs, equally. I think I deserve more and am willing to wait for the right one to come, no matter how long it may take, because settling only hurts both parties. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:49pm

Thank you for sharing your grief as well! You're right, communication is key in any relationship and I've recently noticed (even though it's been going on since day 1 of our relationship) that his communication skills are lacking. My desires are to express myself freely and have someone respect and reciprocate that. In the past, my ex's always loved that about me, that I spoke my mind, but was always willing to admit my wrongs. This guy is so 'into' being hush hush and 'pretending' that everything is fine, that I'm actually glad to move on. I mean one time we won over 1000.00 at a casino and he did not appreciate that I almost gasped! I mean, cmon that's ME.

I hope that after last night, you get what you need from your relationship, whether it be him willing to change for the sake of both of your relationship, OR simply closure. Good Luck and more importantly God Bless!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:59pm

Thank you Sandra for your reply. I'm going to start with, Yes, I'm a bit abrasive at times and need to work on that, however that was one of the things that he's always liked the most about me. Maybe not the abrasiveness part so much, but the fact that I speak my mind, that I'm not willing to sit like a 'duck' and let things just take their course (although I am aware that that is sometimes key in a relationship).

We are both military and for the military to recognize US as a military, married couple----marriage is key. We've lived in the same city for about 10 months and then he got stationed to the east coast. We've been doing the long distance thing for almost 7 months now! It's very hard, as you may know or imagine. I have children, whom he has had a great relationship with, but in order for us to be a family, marriage is key. We've both agreed on this and I know that this, because he told me verbatim.

Like I said before, thank you, and I do sincerely apppreciate your reply and comment. Hopefully we can both move on and wish the best for each other, because I simply want to be with someone who wishes to be with me as much as I want to be with them. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:11am

I hear you.

Myspace Codes