Is it a waste of time?!?!?
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Is it a waste of time?!?!?
| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:32pm |
Ok this is a little complicated so let me start from the top. I met this guy last december christmas eve to be exact. He invited me on Christmas day to spend it with him and his family, after spending the earlier part with my family ( he was renting a room in my aunts home). Anyway christmas night he wound up coming back to my place and he stayed for a few days (about 3). After that we started hanging out and getting closer, and on several occassions I expressed to him that I had feelings deeper than that of a friend towards him. For about 2 months he stuck by the fact that he didn't want to rush and wasn't too sure of what he wanted to do, so I backed up and continued to be very close friends, we used to read the bible and didn't have sex because of his convictions. Eventually it was him saying he wanted a relationship and he wants to be with me.....we just intensified our already close friendship and now labeled it a romantic relationship. About 2 months into that he and I were arguing at my aunts home (his home), and she got involved, he got angry and got kicked out of her home and came to stay with me. The entire time to me it felt like our relationship wasn't moving much less growing. Fast Forward to now after many months of fights, and him recieving large amounts of money from various sources( i say that because he could have moved if he wanted to) he is still here. I helped him find a car to purchase and our time together became shorter and shorter. Even before he had his car he was going out about 3 nights a week and staying until early morning hours. ( All of you that think he was cheating I can 100% gaurantee and prove he wasn't), its like he started hanging out much more than ever before, and now that he has his own car its gotten even worse, like where I'm seeing him about 3 hours a day at night. I tried talking to him about it, he gave the let me be me speech (BLA BLA BLA). I maturely said that I dont believe the relationship that he wanted was the one I wanted. Before we got together my aunt and myself made it perfectly clear that I wanted a man not a boyfriend, and he made the decision to be with me. Okay today is Januray 2nd and I havent seen him in a few days. We broke up because every morning hes up and out hanging out and running errands for everyone else. He knows exactly how I feel so its not like we havent communicated effectively, I just think he loves me but he doesnt care how I feel. Also I borrowed money from him and everytime we break up he asks for it back knowing that I wont have it until february, so before he asked me for it at this last break up I reminded him of how he has stayed with me rent free for all the months he had to. Of course he got mad, and said forget about him and keep all the stuff he has in my house. Thats the last time we spoke. He has keys to my place so I'm changing the locks tonight to keep from coming in here while I'm working, but my question is this is the perfect man for me except for the reasons I stated previously. We have EVERYTHING in common laugh at all the same things, I undertand his unique way of thinking and he definitely makes an effort to understand me even if he doesn't always. He said hes just a little scared because before me he only had one serious relationship that lasted 7 months, and she wound up cheating on him. Do you think I should try and work this out if he does, or should I just move on and forget about it? And if you think i should try and work on this how do you suggest I go about this? Oh I forgot up until about a month ago he kept saying we should try and live apart and continue our relationship and I said that its too late to try and go back and do it that way, he was my air, and if he wanted to go then he could go but I'm not going back to start dating him our situtaion is far from ordinary and going back doesnt make sense, and Im not going to do it, so he said he didnt want to lose me and he didnt want to move he wanted both of us to move to a new place together. One alst detail after one of our big fights in October I tried to make up by proposing and he declined, he said it was his job and if I was going to propose then I should not have done it in fron of anyone else ( A friend of mine was present). OK now I'm done please help.

Hi
I think you should move on and forget about this guy.
You had many fights with him and you felt like your relationship wasn't moving nor growing and that is enough for it to be over. If he wanted a serious relationship he would act like it and from what you wrote he is not showing any signs of it. You have helped him more than enough, he needs to stand on his own. He is only using you for help and companionship.
He went about 3 nights a week and stayed until early morning hours and you saw him 3 hours a day at night since he got his car. His actions speak louder than any words ever could. You try and want to solve the problems you have with him, but he just tells you to let him be, this means leave him alone to do whatever he likes. You should do exactly that, b/c he does not deserve you.
You think that the kind of relationship he wants is not the kind you want and you are right b/c you deserve way better than this. He just wants to cruise around and do whatever he feels like. What really stood out from your post for me was this line; “He knows exactly how I feel so it’s not like we haven’t communicated effectively, I just think he loves me but he doesn’t care how I feel.”
A person, who loves you, cares about how you feel, so he does not love you since he does not care about how you feel. He shows you exactly how he feels everyday, when he acts. He knows exactly what he is doing, so do not make excuses for him, but see him for who he really is, a guy who you do not want in your life.
This is not a perfect man for you, because a perfect man for you would care about how you feel, and try not to hurt your feelings. You have things in common with him but the two of you obviously do not want the same thing, a committed relationship. From what you wrote, I do not think he is interested in one.
His excuse about being scared because he got hurt in a previous relationship is a bunch of bs, b/c if he really wanted to be in a real relationship nothing would stop him from trying. Oh, and he would be the one who would be proposing b/c if he loved someone he would manage to gather enough strength to do it, had he really wanted to. If he wanted a real relationship he would make you feel like someone special, and I do not think that you feel special when he does the things he does. I know you care about this guy, but I think you deserve so much more than what he is bringing to the table that it is best to move on. Take care of yourself. This guy is sorry to say, garbage not bf material.
Okay, brutal honesty warning.
"this is the perfect man for me except for the reasons I stated previously."
WRONG!! The "perfect man" for you will have NO "except". Period.
"I just think he loves me but he doesnt care how I feel."
WRONG!! These two can not possibly go together. If he loved you, he'd care how you feel. (you love him and care how he feels)
As for whether or not this is a waste of time, that's up to you. Personally, I think it's a waste of time to date someone who doesn't have the same relationship goal in mind (what's the point then??). I think it's a waste to try to convince someone to be with me, and I have more self respect than to even want a guy who has to be talked into wanting me.