Is it worth it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Is it worth it
2
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 9:30am

Bf of 8 months and I broke up 5 days ago because we were stasis...not moving forward to the next level...and not at a level he felt we should have been at. It was difficult because he works a lot and I only saw him twice a week...so I was guarded a bit because I didn't see him enough to let him in completely. However, I feel like we both kind of gave up..that we had our first relationship frustration discussion and instead of working on it...he threw in the towel...and I let him.

I want to work on it. I want him in my life. I feel like we have something worth saving...i know i know...natural to feel at the end of a relationship...it just seems like if we both made an effort to let each other in more, things would be different.

I spent the weekend with friends and kept myself distracted as much as possible so that I wouldn't call/email/text him. And somehow, I survived.

This morning, I arrived into work to find an email from him sent at 6:45am. A "Hi, How are you? I miss you...." concise email.

It's hard. I don't even know how to respond...if I should respond...I think I've cried more than I have in my life these past 5 days, still can't eat, still can't sleep....I know life will go on but it's hard to see past him because i know there is something still there.

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question to all the ivillagers is, is there ever any point in emailing/texting/calling post-breakup? Does it ever work out for the better? If not, then how do you adjust to him not being in your life...how do you keep yourself distracted...how do you adjust to the idea that for whatever reason, things just didn't work out...even when it seems like he didn't even try?

Is this making any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
In reply to: nygal2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 11:57am

Hi there, this makes perfect sense to me because I am going through the exact same thing, I'm sorry your going through this because I truly know how much it sucks. My ex broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago and we have not spoken since. Like in your case I felt there was much to save in terms of the relationship but he decided it was best for him to give up and throw in the towel. I have been a mess since it happened, and all i have wanted is some sort of communication from him and I have received nothing at all. This has only been able to lead me to one conclusion, it's over and that's the way he wants it. Not being in contact has been hard but for me it is necessary to move on, not there yet but working on it.
I'm not sure what the right answer for you is on whether or not you should respond to him, that's a tough one because you don't know why he is emailing, does he want to get back together? has he decided he now wants to work on things?
These are things I would NEED to know before I decided to email my ex back (if he ever decided to email/contact me!!!) and for me a one-liner email wouldn't be enough. Also, take some time to think about what you want and what you need for the relationship if you both decide to work on things, this obviously should not be a one way street, there would have to be lots of discussions about what went wrong and why and how are you both going to change in order for these things not to happen again. My advice to you is to figure out what your want first and then decide to email him back and it doesn't matter how long that takes you, if he truly wants you back or wants work on things he will be patient and may (should) try contacting a few more times, then you will know he is sincere and really wants to try, if that's what you decide you also want. I would also suggest no contact with him while you are deciding what you want.
I'm sorry I don't have a story with a happy ending like you may be searching for but there are those stories out there, I cling to that hope sometimes myself but in reality I know that it doesn't matter and each situation is different.
Unfortunately the only way to adjust to not having someone in your life anymore is time and getting used to doing things on your own or with friends and family, it's not comforting but it's the truth.

Good luck to you whatever you decide to do, maybe you will be one of the good news stories :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: nygal2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:47pm

I don't know if i will end up with a happy ending story either but I'll throw in my situation in the hopes it helps.

I broke things off with my b/f about 6 months ago after i found out he had a one night stand. We never stopped communicating- he wouldn't let go, he wanted to work things out (much like you do) and we had been together for 2.5 years. Although I no longer wanted to be his g/f, I was torn on being there as a friend because we were both struggling so much with this situation- him for hurting me and me for dealing with it.

I know everyone suggests NC and it might have been best for me also, but he never stopped trying to make things right. I was not always nice- beleive me. But he still called, visited (we are in college- LDR) and told me he would not give up. And he didn't, finally after 6 months I am forgiving more each day and giving him the chance to earn my trust back. We have a ways to go but in all honesty, if he had not persisted as he did with me, I can tell you I would've walked away from Day One and never looked back.

I think everyone's situation is different and much depends on the relationship you had. I think NC is probably the best advice in the majority of situations. In my situation, as much as there were many days I did not want to talk to my ex, let alone see him- something never allowed me to tell him to go away. I could be mean and bitchy, but i never said don't visit, don't call.... Many might have thought I was stringing him along, but I wasn't. I just didn't know what I wanted to do and soemthign didn't let me cut the cord.

His persistence is the reason we are working on things today.

I agree with nygal, figure out what YOU want first. If he truly wants you back he will contact you and he will be willing to wait. good luck to you!