Is it worth it ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Is it worth it ?
3
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 9:06am

I broke up with my boyfriend of 15 months just before Christmas (I'm 24 and he's 28). We have been arguing often in the past few months and I got tired of it. I hesitated a long time before taking this decision as he was waiting for me to make up my mind and I felt horrible about it.

We have been living an hour apart in separate towns, seeing each other a few days a week usually. We have planned to move in together next summer but I felt I wasn't ready and this did have a role in my decision. However, we have seen each other a few times over the holidays. I truly missed him and I was happy to see him. He asked me a couple of times if I would change my decision but I said that I couldn't, things wouldn't get better.

In fact, I always missed him, it was a very hard decision to take. We've discussed what went wrong many times and he says he understands better now how I really felt about stuff and that he still loves me more than anything. He's says he accepts that I'm not ready to move in with him just yet and he also accepts that I get a job where I am currently (bigger town with better job and career oppotunities for me,last summer, I took a job in our hometown and we lived for 4 months together). But aren't relationships supposed to progress, not going back to seeing each other once a week ?

I mean, he's a great guy, loving, funny, affectionnate, loyal. I know that he really loves me, he would never cheat on me or hurt me. He's also my best friend. I guess I got tired of the arguments. I tend to overthink things a lot which sometimes stops me from enjoying the present moment. Instead of just being happy to be with a guy that really loves me, I thought about how his job didn't pay enough and how we couldn't do anything in the long term if he doesn't have savings. Having been in a past relationship where the guy put me in money troubles, I can't help but think about these things.

Should I give it another try by just enjoying the present ? Should I feel happy to have a person that loves me so much instead of being alone and not knowing when I'll meet someone next ? I feel really torn apart, I wish I could make the decision that would be the right one. I feel horrible, he just wrote me another email saying how he loves me and how he would wait for me to get through this. It just makes me cry, I feel like I'm being so cruel and self-centered. I don't know what to do. Any help would be welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:42am
You are not cruel or self centered, the only person who can look after yourself is you. You have to put your wants and needs first above anyone else. Don't take him back from pitty. YOu will only be living an unhappy life, trust e I have been there, living for someone else. If you feel things won't work than you are probably right. If you are like me I get really strong gut feelings, I have learned to trust them, they have never steered me wrong. Please do what's best for you not him. Don't feel guilty for putting yourself and your needs first. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:27pm

Gosh, our situations sound very similar... I'm also 24 and been dating a guy for 15 months (he's 27 though).

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 10:26pm

Thank you both for your responses. I'm actually going to see a therapist tomorrow morning (I can get it quickly and free at college). I've been thinking about it for a long time but I think the fact that I can't seem to sort this all out on my own made me do it.

I have always been a pretty stressed out and anxious person and it often makes me spoil the moment for myself. I know I have to learn to enjoy life a little more without always worrying about what's coming next. We cannot always control everything...

I don't know how long this relationship may last but if I break up a relationship every time I am confronted with doubt or questionning, I'll always be alone because, by nature, I always doubt and question ! At least, I have made my intentions clear. He does not expect me to move in with him next summer and to my surprise he has accepted. Maybe taking it slowly will actually be better for us, I don't know... All I know is that he is still very important to me and I miss him dearly and I know for sure that he feels the same way. We had a few conversations where we talked frankly pretty much for the first time and I told him exactly how I felt and he did the same. That took off a lot of pressure and stress because I expressed all my concerns to him and he now knows everything.

I also have to admit that I have my share of responsibilities. I can be difficult at times and this is something that I also want to work on in counselling. Hopefully I'll be able to sort things out after a while.