It's almost a week...
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| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:50pm |
Happy New Year...
The clock struck midnight, and he leaned over to kiss me. It wasn't real. Our kisses had always been passionate. Even the small ones. I should have known.
Merry Christmas...
I finally got the camera of my dreams! Something that I would use to document the rest of our lives together. Only I didn't realize that the rest of our lives was one week.
New Years Day...
He took me to my favorite place for breakfast. Then we went to a bookstore for some coffee and to browse a bit before I needed to leave to get my kids from their dad's. We walked into the bookstore and got coffee... sat down and my heart started racing. It never does that. I should have known.
He was intent on my eyes... never looking away as he carefully explained that he's been thinking about us and that although he's probably making a mistake all of his decisions lead to hurting me, and our lives are going in different directions and no there isn't someone else and wham. I dropped my coffee and burned my legs.
I couldn't react, Heck I couldn't even BREATHE... literally.
Then he looked at me and said... I do have one question for you though."
I looked at him and said... WHAT? The answer is probably not a surprise... "Will you still be my friend?"
Dumb me... said Yes.
Here I sit one week from that day almost.
I've cried. I still haven't eaten more than a few sips of broth. I can't sleep. But you know what, that pit in my stomach... it is going away.
He completed me. He was that one extra part that everyone is missing. I have will, determination, strength and independence. I was married to a drug addict for 5 years... I've been a single mom for 7. I didn't NEED him. I wanted him. He truly was my best friend and now I have to cut him out of my life... wham... just like that.
I only cried today for a few minutes. And it was over something stupid. I wasn't thinking about him... I know that's why I was over sensitive... but I didn't cry in pain this time.
The pain is there. But... I will find a way through it. A way that lies only within me.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. I actually believed that things were going very well between us. I thought he was going to ask me to marry him.
I really honestly don't know what happened. I think we could have worked it out, but he wouldn't open up to me because he just did not want to... or he couldn't.
But... then there's the other side. He wasn't ever really involved with my kids after 3+ years. He hated my family and disliked my friends. He wanted me to be perfect. He wanted everything to be perfect. "We can't get married until we can have THE house." We can't have kids until we have $XX in the bank and the house is paid off." We couldn't go to places that he considered substandard... because it really was all about appearances. I couldn't be with him and not wear a belt or it would make him nuts! And... he HATES stripes.
Well ladies... I LIKE stripes. I like my hair short. I LOVE MY KIDS and my crazy family and friends. I don't CARE about having the perfect house, although I do want something with a unique touch of class. If I want to go to walmart in my sweats on a sunday... then I WILL. If I want to wear a hoodie over my business suit... I WILL. He wanted more than he will probably ever have all in one as he did with me, because I was willing to concede.
But I wanted to get married, live together and work hard to get what WE wanted. I want more kids, I have a great sense of humor and I would give my own skin if it would help someone else... anyone. I'm not a martyr... but I would do anything to save someone from pain.
I am feeling better by compiling a list of what I want... should I ever be so blessed to find someone else. I know it's too soon to start dating now... but I want to use this as a way to learn about me. Anyone else want to share their list with me?

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Never accomodate a relationship and let a man define who you are. He wanted the perfect wife and you tried to become "it". At the end he was never satisfied and you became tired of not being you.
You'll find someone who will love you for who you are AND your children, family and friends.
justme2007....it is scary how similar you and i sound when we are hurting...the man that i was sure i would marry has broken my heart...2 weeks ago he was showing me photos of rings that the jeweler had sent, booked 2 weeks to cancun, and for the 10 months that we have been together, has never treated me with anything but love and kindness...one week ago he came home from work and just announced that things have changed and he does not want to be in a relationship anymore...the really bad part is that he is still in the house...leaving this am,... we work together in the same work place without a real possibility of being able to change that...i have not been able to eat, cry all the time, and have anxiety attacks that are killing me...he was always wonderfully kind to me, my kids, my family and friends...his family loved me and are as hurt by this as i am...
the real kicker is that i KNEW he had done this same thing to every woman he has ever been with....i would not go out with him because of it...i told him i did not want the same thing to happen to me,,,he was very convincing, to say the least...35 years old and has never been able to sustain a relationship for more than a year...he is also saying now that the reason is because he really wants children and i can not have more due to cancer...when we got together, he was very clear that he did not want children , that that was a big part of why he was married to his 2nd wife for only 3 months...she wanted kids and he did not..
ok...enough of whining...i am proud that you are doing better...keep up the strong work,
i hope to be doing better soon...
Celebrate the end of a relationship with someone who didn't want you to be you.
And don't be friends with him.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit