Its been 3 weeks and I'm desperate
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-26-2006 - 8:29pm |
Hello all,
I had my heart broken 3 weeks ago today by someone that I dated for almost 2 years and shared everything with. This man was my absolute everything; my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate...He has my virginity, and we spent 2 beautiful years together of almost nothing but happiness. We talked about getting married and having children, starting our own business together...I'd gotten along with his family wonderfully and developed a love for his younger sister.
Out of the blue three weeks ago, he told me that he just "didn't feel the same way for me anymore" and that it is over. You could've knocked me over with a feather. I absolutely didn't see it coming; a few weeks prior we'd been talking about our future, going out on dates, and seeing one another daily. He had been withdrawn for about a week, but I'd figured he'd just been moody.
I feel like my entire world has crashed down. I love this man more than anything in the world, and this by far has been the roughest thing I've ever had to deal with. I've read self-help books, obsessively frequent this board, am in therapy and on antidepressants, and am attempting to live my life the best way that I can, I just feel so, so empty. Any advice on the following subjects would be greatly appreciated...they're things I'm particularly struggling with:
~I absolutely cannot keep myself from obsessing about what he's doing, who he's doing it with, etc. I obsessively check his away messages and cannot keep myself from interrogating mutual friends. It is driving them crazy, but every second I breathe it hurts. We went from being best friends to being absolutely NOTHING, over night. I'm having a lot of difficulty dealing with not knowing where he is (and worse, who he's with) to the point where it is ruling my life. I'm doing all the right things (going to work, reading, trying to distract myself) but every waking moment is filled with wonder. I also obsessess about why he did this, how he can live with himself...I know these thoughts are counterproductive, and that I will probably never ever know. They're taking over my life.
~I have to see him three times a week. We are both seniors in the same college and in the same major, and scheduled 2 of our classes together. So, three times every painful week, I have to breathe the same air as him. It is absolutely unbearable. I force myself to sit in the front of the class, but just knowing he's there gives me panic and anxiety and hurt. I also see him at our bus stop, which is really, really painful. We have no contact. Just pretend like we don't know each other, and it is so, so hard.
~When we were a couple, we set up our roomates (mine and his) and now they're dating. I know it's selfish, but seeing the happy couple together TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY really wears on me. This roomate also happens to be my X's best friend in the entire world, and I now feel extremely uncomfortable around him. I feel like he knows thigns that I don't know and it drives me nuts. I also get SUPER jealous when my roomate goes over to their apartment. I know she sees him, and I can't explain why, but it drives me absolutely nuts and adds insult to injury. How can I get past this?
~It has been three weeks today with no contact (minus 2 setbacks that were necessary to deal with unfinished business). I am devestated and miss him horribly. I'm trying to get myself to move on, but I know I'm still in denial. I pray every night that it'll hit him that he made a mistake and will come crawling back to me. If I hear from our mutual friends that he's upset, I automatically think that he's pining away for me and anticipate him crawling back again. This is not a reality, and I know it, but the reality is too crushing to bear. He's not coming back. But I can't stop hoping. How can I make myself believe this?
~According to our mutual friends, my X is doing just great. He's going out, his grades aren't suffering, he's makig new friends, etc. etc. etc. I know from my self-help books that there's nothing I can do about this, that obsessing about it is self-destructive, and that he's had a major head start on the healing process since he's the one that left me. It's just...the thought of him being happy, getting on with his life, while I'm so completely devestated and in a complete state of depression is unbearable. How can I overcome this?
Thanks to everyone who reads and responds to my post. Any and all inspirational wordes, personal stories, anything will be greatly appreciated. I'm really, really struggling...

Hi lizzy,
First of all, big hugs to you for being brave and posting and putting your heart (and business) out there. After reading your post, I imagine it has to be hard knowing your schedule/people are so intertwined with your ex... I'm not sure how to offer advice on that (the classes together, mutual friends). Don't feel bad about the couple you both set up. It is hard to see that; I am trying to deal with that myself (just seeing couples in general).
I am also about 3 weeks out of my situation and it is tough. But it does sound like you are doing all the right things - therapy, reading, etc. I can sympathize with your feelings... you mentioned that it seems like life is just grand for your ex while you (and I) are left to pick up the pieces, have a million 'why?' questions in our head, and can't stop thinking about it. I think unfortunately the only thing to help us in this situation is time. Try to keep yourself busy (even when you don't feel like moving off the couch). Keep reading/posting on these boards.
I'm not sure if I'm helping at all, but just know there are others out here in this situation... you're not alone! (just background, I found out my guy was cheating on me and then lied to me about it when I confronted him... I had to break it off w/him 3 weeks ago and never even got a goodbye, a sorry, a we see differently, etc.) So I know how you're feeling... I had a decent/strong week last week, and this weekend has been numb, dull and I cried some more.
hang in there girl... !!!
I know exactly how you feel!! It's been over a month since my ex broke it off with me. He goes out and has fun every weekend and has a lot of new friends. I am always checking up on him through internet communities and stuff. I usually stay home on the weekend and watch tv, which usually works out just fine. It's when I try to go out that things go downhill. A few weeks ago one of my favorite singers was playing in town, and every song I heard at the bar that night reminded me of him somehow. I tried again Thursday night and he was there and walked right past me without even stopping. I ended up leaving early because I was looking for him the whole time and I'd get so anxious when I didn't know where he was (it was very crowded).
We'd been together for almost a year and the week before breaking up, he was talking about how he was going to pay for my engagement ring. We weren't going to get engaged anytime soon, but probably within the year. His sister is getting married and he told me I'd probably be asked to be a bridesmaid. Then all of a sudden, it was over.
For a while it was okay because I'm not much into the party scene and I don't like to go out drinking very often. That's precisely what he's been doing since we broke up, so I said the hell with him. If he wants to waste his time getting drunk, then he's not someone I want to be with.
He called me one night out of the blue to ask when Grey's Anatomy comes on...I'd seen the show once. We talked for a few minutes and he mentioned that he still had my suitcase that he'd borrowed. When he brought it by, he looked different. He was growing his hair "too see how long he could stand it"... Then last night he called me again. He was drunk after leaving a BBQ cookoff and kept asking how my family reacted to our breakup. He kept calling me "babe" and talked to me as if we were still together almost. He said we should hang out more and said he'd call me later in the week so we could do something. I'm not sure how much of this he'll actually remember though.
My friends all hate him because they say he didn't treat me right, but my family always loved him for the opposite reason. I can't think of anything he did that is so bad, except that he does drink a lot sometimes...but most guys his age in this town do (it's a college town). No matter how much I try to convince myself that he's bad, I can't. I have no one to turn to because I can't explain to my friends that I still love him and it's not getting better. Anytime I mention him, they get aggravated. My sisters are no help because one of them has only been with her husband, and I just have a hard time talking about it to both of them. I always try to paint him as some stupid drunk guy, but mostly to help me see him as bad for me. It's not working.
So now I'm just anxiously waiting to see if he will actually call me this week. I have a test tomorrow and I haven't studied one bit! My mind is just too frazzled. I'm sorry this is such a long response, but it's hard to explain in a Cliff's Notes version.
Hey babe,
It's hard to find the words to say even as I'm trying to think of something that will offer you some comfort. I know that nothing I say will take you out of this pain that you feel now. I can only offer you my companionship and tell you that you're not alone.
I lost the person who was my boyfriend and best friend for the last two years not too long ago too. I still love him and I don't understand why things happened this way but there comes a point where we need to accept that we won't always get to understand everything. It hurts a lot to realise that the person you knew the best in the world has suddenly become the one person you can't reach out to anymore. There are days even now when I have no idea why I'm bothering to wake up and all I feel is this yawning emptiness, when I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me everytime I think about him and how we used to be.
This is one of the hardest things to go through but you will get through this. I might not know you but just reading your post, it's obvious that you haven't given up on yourself and that's a measure of the great strength that you have inside. Whatever happens in the future, whether you do or don't end up back together, I believe you have what it takes to be happy again.
I'm not the best person to give any advice cos honestly, I'm still in a pretty bad state but here's what my friends have been telling me. Give yourself a time to grieve, maybe a couple of months, and after that, leave it behind in your past and move on. The guy you love was the one who was in that wonderful relationship with you and the guy he has become since then, is someone else.
Dear Desperately Wanting,
Wow! A lot has happened to you within a 3 week time span and we need to get a hold of this one, sister, and get you on the road to recovery. It sounds to me that your former Prince Charming was indeed your first love. I don't think that any woman out there would disagree with the fact that trying to get over your first love is without a doubt one of the hardest fastballs life throws at you. Ok, so your guy dishes out some sort of vague reason as to why the two of you need to call it quits and your life got turned upside down. First, bravo! for reading self-help books, reaching out to others in similar situations via the message board and seeking professional help. I trust that your therapist doesn't see any harm in your taking anti-depressants. I am just a little concerned that you are trying too hard too fast. It's been three weeks and it seems like your radically trying to make the pain you are feeling go away....really really fast. It is so hard, I know. Break-ups suck!!!! Especially when you are with someone for a long time and have gotten to know, and for the most part become a part of, his family. But part of the healing process is allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come along with a break-up: confusion, anger, sadness, etc. Ok, having said this, I do applaud you for trying to work through this in a mature fashion rather than going out and rebounding with the first hunk that raises an eyebrow at you. Rock on! Just think about doing it at a slower pace. You don't want to burn out too quickly. Now, to address the subjects you say you are particularly struggling on:
~ Sure, you want to know what the hell he is doing because for the last two years the two of you were practically attached at the hip. What is he doing with all of his newly free time and most importantly who is he spending it with, right? I know, I know...I have been there, girlfriend. As much as it kills you, you have to keep this in mind....he is obviously moving on with his life. A life that right now does not have you in it, so I say give the girls a buzz or maybe connect with some close family members and start living again! Although it seems overwhelming, there are people out there who love and care about you very much and you need to surround yourself with these people now. They will take care of you and try to help keep your mind off of this jerk! Start slow...stop checking his away messages. In fact, try to make it hard to stay connected with his whereabouts....block him from all of your online buddy lists, etc.
~ Seeing him is the worst. My ex and I work in the same office. I know this all too well. It's hard but you need to work on that Oscar, girl, and put on your very best act when you have to see him in class. Ok, so he is not man enough to acknowledge you. I too wondered how my ex could do the same thing when we ran into each other but then I realized "Oh yeah, he must feel like an ass for what he did to me". So it's most likely that he doesn't know what to say to you now and believe it or not, he is probably a little afraid of how you would react. The thought of knowing that this chump is scared of you should put a smile on your face. They act so tough, but they know when they make a mess and have to walk with their tails between their legs. Personally, I think maybe you should do something nice for yourself: a new haircut, some new makeup, maybe even a new outfit. Then walk into class, concentrate on your studies and show him that he may have broken your heart temporarily) but he has not broken you! You have the breathe the same air as him? Please! He is lucky that he gets to breathe the same air as you, Foxy Lady!
~Ok, so when you two were together you played matchmakers. That was really thoughtful of you both! It's nice that your respective friends are now in love. Remember that they had nothing to do with your breakup and if you think about it, they are probably just as uncomfortable. Even though you are all friends, you have to understand that your friend's boyfriend is in fact your ex's pal and hopefully this guy will respect your feelings enough to give you some space and not bring up your ex everytime you are in the room. Realize that he probably does know things that are going on in your ex's life and if he is a good friend, he will keep those things to himself. I would stick to maybe just hanging out with your girlfriend one-on-one for now or even better, reconnect with your single friends. Try to not put yourself in a situation where you are likely to hear about your ex until you are strong enough to accept him as a fond memory. It's ok to think about yourself...in fact, you should be a little selfish right now and tell whoever makes you feel uncomfortable to take a hike!
~ No contact is better if you ask me. I say this from experience. I'll elaborate. When my ex first broke up with me I wanted to call him the next day. I am so glad I didn't. Right now you are in too vulnerable a state and if you talked to him you would not be able to start the healing process. You would live in this disillusioned world where you will convince yourself that this is just temporary, that he is just going through some awkward phase and that he will come crawling back. Honey, you are exceptional, but you are not an exception. These days less and less of that is happening. I hope to God (for your sake and mine) that I am wrong, but if this guy doesn't get it together, you are just going to be left all alone while he shacks up with Nikki, the blonde bimbo with double D's. You are just too important a person to waste your time waiting around and wondering if he is going to call. You will also find that with distance comes great clarity. I wouldn't be surprised that if 3 months from now you are thinking "yeah, maybe he was a loser". If he really, really wanted to talk to you, he would. He broke up with you, that was his choice. Now you have one to make....accept this breakup with dignity and grace or become an obsessive, psycho ex-girlfriend (please go with the first option!!!)?
~ This last issue is an easy one.....GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! He is, right? I know it seems difficult right now, but you will be just fine. You are an intelligent, fun-loving babe! I do want to address one thing...becareful who you talk to. I would consider finding one or two close friends that you can trust and who you know will be willing to listen to you 24/7 when you need to vent about this jerk. By talking to a lot of people you risk total confusion because you will be getting so many different points of view. Plus you don't want what you say about him to get back to him. You want him to think that you are NOT obsessing over him. Keep your lips sealed until you are only in the company of your most closest confidants. Try not to talk to anyone that knows the both of you well either. You need to separate yourself from him right now and just concentrate on yourself. Get yourself a journal...your best friends may very well be a pen and paper.
You will overcome this, doll. You are strong and you will start feeling better in no time. I hope that things work out for you. I know your story all too well and it would be a shame for you to miss out on something great out there because you are spending time worrying about this putz. Your relationship may be over but this is just the beginning for you! Go out there and enjoy life!!!!
~ Free Spirited Diva ~
PS. If this guy does come to his senses and realizes he threw away the best thing that ever happened to him and you start to consider possibly taking him back, just remember.....it will have to be on YOUR terms!
Edited 3/10/2006 11:22 am ET by freespiriteddiva
Edited 3/10/2006 11:38 am ET by freespiriteddiva
Freespiriteddiva,
I can't thank you enough for your post...I found it really helpful and will pring it out as a reminder for whenever I need it. That's what I love about this board - coming here to find people in a similar situation, who have lots of experience and advice to give. Thanks to everyone who replied to my message...It's now been a little over a month, and still, every day is a struggle. Every breath I take, it hurts. I just miss him so so much. It does help to come here though, and be in a pseudo-atmosphere where everyone is so caring and supportive.
THANK YOU Again!!!!
Lizzygirl