It's been almost a year....
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| Sat, 04-09-2005 - 11:36am |
On April 29, it will be a year since you left me sitting in my car sobbing uncontrollably. How I survived those first few days which turned into months is beyond me. When the gut wrenching pain finally subsided and you stopped dominating my every waking thought, a numbness settled in. I have not felt a thing since than. Your legacy to me is not one of the freedom you spoke of, it is one devoid of all feelings. I am unable to feel anything for a member of the opposite sex at all and if I do, it is utter and complete disgust. I loved you more that you deserved. I loved you more than any one on this planet deserved to be loved. I gave you everything that I had and am left with nothing. I know you have moved on. I know you do not even think of me and that I am just a small chapter in your life. You made that clear when we saw each other after 7 months of absolutely no contact and you chose to act like you didn't even know me. In a strange way, I consider that a blessing because I would never have been able to contduct a converation with you. I don't think I love you in that intense way anymore. I think I am more in love with the idealized version of you. Time has the tendancy to make one forget all the bad things in a relationship. I just want to be free, to be able to feel again. I have decided that until that happens, I am putting dating on hold. It's not fair to me or to anyone else since I am unable to feel anything. Only after I have exorcised your ghost will I be able to move on and be ready for something meaningful. And yes, I am in therapy and yes, I am dealing with this.
Thank you for listening to me. I just needed to vent and get my feelings out before they overwhelmed me. There is just so much going on in my life and I am hanging on by a thread these days.
