Its been a long time coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Its been a long time coming
4
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 9:12pm

I have been married for 25 years. From the beginning my husband has always said to me 'why cant you do this' or 'why cant you be more like that'. He would always act as if he were still single, do what he wanted, when he wanted, whether it upset me or not. You see my father had a drinking problem. He would hit my mother. So when my husband would get drunk, I didnt like it at all, yet he would still do so quite frequently. That was the start of it. Then when other issues began to arise that he thought I might not like, he would just lie about it.

On the other hand, I was always interrogated if I ever went anywhere without him. It was such an ordeal that usually I never bothered. I always thought I was the one with the problem because he told me I was.

We had two children, which Im sure in retrospect he never wanted, he never has time for our daughter and blames her, and me of course, for the distance between them. I essentially raised them with little more than financial input from him.

Years went by and things were always rocky, but the kids were young so I persevered. About 15 years ago he left me with our two small children. We were separated for a year. Life was so tough. My friends deserted me, my parents couldnt deal with the stress. I asked him to come back and he did. A month later I found a sordid letter from his lover, whom I had no idea until then that he had left me for. When I showed it to him he smiled as he read it. I should have left there and then but I didnt. I wanted to talk it through with him but he refused. He told me to get over it, stop bringing it up and similar phrases. So I retreated into myself.

As the years continued I became more isolated, with him offering little comfort and no understanding. I mean why would he, since he believed I was the one with the problem. Never listening or even trying to understand. And I do mean NEVER. By this stage he was a compulsive liar, which didnt help with regaining trust. He would not discuss anything with me and was only happy as long as things went his way. We tried counselling with no effect. I decided to leave. He became obsessive compulsive, watching my every move, checking my phone calls, making himself physically sick, being nasty and guilting me. I caved in and stayed.

We continued, my trying to keep the peace, him doing as he wanted. Me saying less and less as time went by. A couple of years back we went to counselling again at my request. Well the situation plummeted from there. He changed even more to not giving a damn what I thought or felt. Though on the upside he also didnt give a damn what I did either, which did give me some freedom at last. Still I had to watch what I said, rather than upset him. The kids were older, they could see that it was him with the problem not me. I knew that ultimately I had to get out but, I needed to gather my strength and wait for the right time.

More years of the same went by, the lies, the criticism, the manipulation, the selfishness, the belittlement. He wouldnt talk to me unless it was about him, he wouldnt listen to anything I said, and thats not including the anger if I said the wrong thing or low and behold ever question him. The holding grudges for days, bitching to the kids about me behind my back. Disregarding me like I was by no means worth the effort. He never took responsibility for his actions and was always blaming me for everything. Living his own life with no regard for me.

Now my kids are adults, I dont have to stay. The right time came and I took it. Last week, I made a comment about him pretending to be busy just as I got home, which he often did and we all joked about, we all knew it except him obviously, but he got nasty and that was enough for me. He never liked being caught out, and would become quite nasty, so usually I didnt say anything but this time I did.

So now I am leaving. There is too much pain and hurt for me to ever change my mind. Then on top of that he tells me the reason he doesnt want to end our relationship has to do with money. Well thats more than enough. And yet....

After all I have been through, why do I feel the need to justify my actions????????

Perhaps because I have no physical scars and havent been through the devastation others have suffered, I feel people may think what I have gone through is insignificant. And then there are his subtle ways of being hurtful, instead of just yelling at me or hitting me, that make it hard to describe how hurtful he can be. But you see I have done all I can, I truly tried to make things work between us. I just cant take anymore of this, I have to get out.

I cannot leave here until mid November, when everything is settled and the people move out of the house I am moving into. It is going to be difficult financially but I feel I have no choice. I worst thing is whether I can survive staying here until then. At times I just want to break down in tears, sometimes I do, but I need to stay strong. So I do my best to keep in control. I knew this wouldnt be easy, but I never knew it would be this hard. The hardest thing is having no friends to support me. That is my fault for isolating myself but its times like this, I could sure use a friend.

Donna




Edited 9/18/2005 9:17 pm ET ET by sasifrazed
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 10:52pm

Donna,
I think you're a very brave woman. It takes a lot to leave something you've always known even if that something is bad, it's familiar and predictable. I know it's got to be terrifying starting a new life. November feels far away I'm sure, but it will get here and when it does, you will have the chance to begin your life on your terms and that will be a beautiful thing after all that you've endured. I wish you the best of luck! You deserve to be happy. The best is yet to come!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:39am

Donna,
You are an inspiration to all women....you really should be proud of yourself....I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, and how it feels to leave someone you've been with for 25years even if it was an unhealthy relationship....25 years of getting used to something/someone even if it is toxic....i'm sure is still extremely difficult.

I do know how it feels to have no friends to support you or just listen to you in difficult/painful times...I too have no friends, and am going through a difficult time myself right now, and it is difficult enough even when you do have friends and family to support you, so for people like us who has no friends for support through our tough times it's even more difficult....that's when these boards can really be helpful.

Best of Luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 11:49am

Donna,

Hi and hugs to you. I just read your message and immediatly felt I had to write you. I am in a simular situation as you are. Married a very long time,too long actually.Stayed with the hopes he would change his ways but one that can not see a problem can't change the problem! In his eyes I am the problem. His drinking,rude remarks,verbal abuse,cheating are to be forgiven because they are the past and I should trust he will not cheat again because his word is as good as gold to him-crap to me! Like you financially he is great, give the little wife money and she will be quiet till next payday. That is how he thinks.
My children well they are not gone yet but are not so dependent on me so I can very well move on and plan too but boy is it easier said than done. I have a big issue that I gave my all never cheated, my choice as an adult. I don't drink, played mom & dad, nurse, to our kids while he was out drinking and now in the end I still lose to the bottle and it is no big deal to him? What is wrong with this picture? I'm sorry that you or any one has to deal with this in life it is tough. Take care okay. If you would like to write let me know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:52pm

Thank you for your replies. Ive never have considered myself very strong in all this, It surprises me to hear it. But I have to say your words of support do help me even though you dont know me well. It feels good not to be so alone.

Its going to get more difficult as the next few weeks go by. You see he is on a trip at present and doesnt return until towards the end of this month. I am dreading it.

If any of you would like to write to me, it would be nice. Perhaps we can help and support each other and get to know each other better. You should be able to email me via my profile.

Donna