it's been a year but... please help!
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| Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:46am |
Hi,
I am new to this board and I need help... My ex and I broke up about a year ago. We were together for 5 years but he wouldn't give me any promise about the future (he wasn't sure if I was the one). I finally got fed up and wanted to leave him. Then some guy pursued me and I fell for it, not realizing that it was just an illusion (I think I would've fell for any guy at that time... just looking for a way out). My ex then realized how much he loved me and that I was the one he wanted to be with (he claimed that it wasn't because he was losing me). He wanted me to reconsider so the break-up dragged on for 3 or 4 months. It was a difficult time for all three of us. I was swaying between the two of them, back and forth, changing my mind on the daily basis. I knew that I still loved my ex, and it hurt me more than anything to see him so sad. But I had feelings for the other guy already and couldn't decide. He eventually gave up and moved on; at about the same time I realized my mistake and that I wanted to be with him still, but it was too late. I wasn't with the other guy either, for other reasons, but it was a mistake to begin with anyway.
After the break-up, I was trying to get over him but had very hard time. I was crying almost everyday, thinking about all the details of the past 5 years. I tried to get back together with him, but he said he is not sure about us anymore, especially with the distance (we're now living 400 miles from each other). I think he is afraid to get hurt again, but also he enjoys his new life now. I know I deserve all the heartache and pain; I am getting punished for what I have done. But I so much want the pain to go away! So as a result, I started dating, hoping that I'll find a new guy that will help me get over him. In 6 months, I was with 3 guys, none lasted more than 2 months. I've come to realize that no matter whom I was with, I eventually fell back to wanting to be with my ex still. With this new guy (the 3rd one) I am dating now, I thought that it'd be different. Before deciding to be with him, I thought about my life in the past 6 months and was thinking, what a mess! So I decided to have a brand new start. This guy is sweet and great, but I've had difficult time opening up to him. It felt like there is always something between us, but I didn't know what. And then came this past Sunday. It was my ex's birthday. I called him, and did what I hadn't done in a long time - spent the rest of the day crying and mourning about the past. I talked to a mutual friend of ours, and he told me that I obviously am not in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now because I am not over my ex yet. He suggests that I should take some time off, be alone, and think about what I really want. He thinks that my ex still has feelings for me, but my behaviors make him not able to trust me again. He said that having a hard time letting go does not necessarily equate to wanting to get back together with him, and this is exactly what was happening a year ago when I was torn between the two men, and that he's not surprised that my ex doesn't want to relive that nightmare again and take the risk of me possibly changing my mind again. So this is one of the things that he urged me to think about, and before all my internal conflicts and issues with the ex are resolved, I shouldn't be with anyone right now.
Well, I have to say that I agree with what my friend said, but the thought of having to break up with my current b/f (of 2 months) makes me hesitate. I need help... Do you guys think that I should take his advice, or just bite the bullet and try to move on with my new relationship? Is there any point to even try to get back together with him? I know I've made a terrible mistake(s)... what hurt him more was probably not that I was lured by the other man (he forgave me on that already, because he knew that he had taken me for granted all these years, plus I didn't go with the other guy until AFTER we broke up - I didn't lie to him) but the fact that I was undecisive and unable to choose him. And if I should think things over, how do I know when I am ready to move on? Someone told me that the feelings I have for my ex will always be there. If that's the case, isn't it silly to give up something promising to try and rid something that's unriddable? Please help me. Thanks!
J.
Edited 4/19/2006 5:16 pm ET by jjjj2004

Hmmm...first off, I don't agree that your feelings for your ex will always be there. That hasn't been my experience. I mean, I still care very much about my ex from my last LTR (we were together for 4 years) but it's been more than 8 years since our breakup and I no longer have any *romantic* feelings for him and haven't for a long time (we are friends now, although it took about 4 years after we broke up for that to happen).
Anyway...what I personally would do in your situation is get into counseling to try to sort things out. I don't know if that's something you've done or are open to...but I have found that when I am at difficult times in my life, having a trained professional to help me sort things out has been extremely helpful. Try counseling for a month or so...and hold off on any decisions or actions until then.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Thanks for your advice. Geez, I am really "all over the place" (in my friend's words), aren't I? Literally! LOL. It seems that every week I have a new problem, either I am too into the guy, or not into the guy enough... LOL. It sure is confusing. But I think I've located the source of all my problems (the ex issue and the need to just grab someone to fall in love with). But there are also some personal issues that were probably there long ago before the breakup - my neediness, insecurity, wanting attention all the time, low self-esteem, etc. I don't really know why I have confidence problem... and many people who just met me wouldn't believe it: I just got my Ph.D, have a great job (that allows me to be on iV at 11 am in the morning ;), was told that I am attractive... but I just keep thinking that I am not good enough for the one I want to be with. My friend was really helpful pinpoint these deeper issues to me and how they wrecked my relationship. He thinks that the number-one thing to do now is to work on myself first (after our 5-hour conversation, I thanked him for making me realize just how messed-up I really am...). How, I don't know yet. I haven't really thought about counseling, but will look into that. I was hoping that there might be easier ways. But these problems don't seem like something I can resolve without professional help. On another note, isn't it a bit unfair to keep all this from my current b/f, though?
Anyway, thanks for following my posts. I really appreciate your help!
J.
Just a couple thoughts...
Change is never "easy"...and "easier ways" don't work, IMO.
I guess I'd assumed that your current bf was aware of the situation with the ex, etc. Hmmm...unless you're actually seeing your ex, I'm not sure it's appropriate/necessary to tell him anything. I think you need to resolve your doubts on your own...what good is it going to do to involve him? What exactly would you tell him?
Sheri
Well, I was thinking about telling him my true feelings, and that perhaps I need some time alone to sort things out myself. No, I am not currently seeing my ex. Actually, the thought of taking some time off came before I discovered my hung-up for the ex. Before that, I just thought that perhaps I entered the new relationship with the wrong reasons (e.g. not wanting to be alone, wanting to be with him just because he's interested in me, not being able to say no because I was afraid that I'd lose his interest, etc). I mean, I like this guy, but I do feel a bit pressured into exclusivity. Then, after my ex's birthday the sadness was so overwhelming, I realized that I haven't really got over him yet. So maybe it's all of the above that's preventing me from opening up to my new guy, but I surely need to do something about it. He noticed it too, that I am holding back for some reason, but we assumed that it was just due to shyness.
The thought of breaking things off with him make me both relieved and hesitant. I think I do need to work on myself, but I also worry that I'd be making a big mistake. On the other hand, after the "self-discovery", I might eventually figure out that I do still want to be with my ex, but I think in order to truly realize that, I have to be alone with a clear mind. And if the conclusion is that I am just moping for nostalgic reasons, then at least by that time I'll be ok with myself being single and be in the right mindset to start new relationships. Does this make sense...? Or am I just looking for excuses to end the relationship (or to stay in the relationship if I am hesitant)?
J.