it's consuming my life!
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it's consuming my life!
| Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:21pm |
and im not talking about the "break up" itself... i mean, that is having a huge effect on my life, but the part that is really hurting me right now is CONSTANTLY worrying about what he is doing/who he is with/where he is at... i do my homework in by the computer just to see when he signs on.. who all is on when he is on aol, how long he stays on....
when he doesn't sign on, i have all kinds of things that go through my head (he is out with the "new girl", he is out having fun with his friends, etc). i used to drive by places that he would go frequently to see if he was there (restaurants, shops..) but i haven't done that in a while. on monday, he didn't show up for morning lab (yes, we have classes together.. 3 of them.. it is HELL) and instead of being like a normal ex, or a normal person i had all these thoughts running through my head ("it was halloween last night, im sure he was out partying and got in late", "im sure he drove to see the new girl and was too tired to come this morning" all kinds of scenarios and im sure that all of them were probably so far off from what really happened) HELP... how can i stop this from consuming me the way it is!?!?
i leave my AIM connected 24/7 (but usually just have an away message up) so im sure i look totally pathetic to everyone that has me on their list. its just embarassing the way im acting... i am so ashamed, yet i can't stop myself!
oh, and yesterday "she" signed on and as soon as she did he came back from away... you would think the pain i felt from seeing that would be enough to get me to take them off my list.. to make me stop all this nonsense.. but it didn't. what can i do!?!? help. please
when he doesn't sign on, i have all kinds of things that go through my head (he is out with the "new girl", he is out having fun with his friends, etc). i used to drive by places that he would go frequently to see if he was there (restaurants, shops..) but i haven't done that in a while. on monday, he didn't show up for morning lab (yes, we have classes together.. 3 of them.. it is HELL) and instead of being like a normal ex, or a normal person i had all these thoughts running through my head ("it was halloween last night, im sure he was out partying and got in late", "im sure he drove to see the new girl and was too tired to come this morning" all kinds of scenarios and im sure that all of them were probably so far off from what really happened) HELP... how can i stop this from consuming me the way it is!?!?
i leave my AIM connected 24/7 (but usually just have an away message up) so im sure i look totally pathetic to everyone that has me on their list. its just embarassing the way im acting... i am so ashamed, yet i can't stop myself!
oh, and yesterday "she" signed on and as soon as she did he came back from away... you would think the pain i felt from seeing that would be enough to get me to take them off my list.. to make me stop all this nonsense.. but it didn't. what can i do!?!? help. please

I know how you feel. Up until not too long ago, my life also revolved around my ex. I would try to check up on him all the time...I would read his away messages on AIM just like you do. It wasn't healthy...they would usually say something about how he was with his new girlfriend and I would get so sad, knowing that he was with her at that exact moment. I also knew HER screenname and would check her's too...it just hurt to read.
But I needed to do it. I wasn't ready to let go yet, and I acted like a crazy person for quite awhile :) I would send him numerous emails/texts/IMs, sometimes call him...and he usually just ignored me. Eventually I came to my senses and realized that he's a jerk and treats me like crap...and that he doesn't truly care about me or want me in his life. So I've learned to let go completely. We haven't had contact in awhile...I haven't tried, nor have I had any urges to lately. He sent me an IM a couple of weeks ago (I never responded), but other than that I haven't heard from him.
I decided today that I wasn't going to check his screenname (or that of anyone even remotely associated with him--his friends, his new girlfriend, etc) anymore. It's a terrible habit anyways, isn't it? :b Like you, I'm in college and leave my screenname signed on all day...and checking away messages has become so addicting! Haha :) I don't know why I picked today to stop--maybe because it's Election Day and it seemed like a good day to start...time for a fresh beginning :) I just keep reminding myself that I took my ex off of my buddy list for a reason...and that reading his away messages only hurts. Part of me liked knowing what he was up to--it was comforting in a way, although it sucked knowing that he was with her. But I've realized that it's better for me not to know. He isn't a part of my life anymore...he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be, and I have to accept that and move on.
He had control over me while we were dating...and for a long time after. But I've finally started to take control of my life and I don't want him to consume it any longer. I'm really going to discipline myself and not have ANY type of contact with him...even indirect (like checking his away messages). No matter how small it may seem, even something that simple isn't healthy for me.
I'd suggest that if you can't make yourself stop checking when your ex is online/reading his away messages, etc, that you either stop going online for awhile--or make a new screenname and block his name so you won't be able to see/check it, even if you want to. I'm sorry you have 3 classes with him :( That sucks...but be strong--don't talk to him anymore, and try not to think of/worry about him as much. I know it's easier said than done, believe me...but just try to concentrate on yourself, school, and friends. Keep busy and stay away from him (I know you can't help it in class)...good luck! I know you will make it :)
"Sometimes we dont see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way."
"In life, you can't get caught up in wishing for something that wont happen. You just gotta move onto the next best thing."