Its getting harder to breathe....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Its getting harder to breathe....
2
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 11:25pm

So me and my ex fiancee broke up a few months ago because we had issues to work out. When we were together, I became super jealous over everything. I became extremely insecure. I demanded his passwords for everything. His myspace, emails, voicemail etc. I demanded to check his phone to see if he was hiding anything. But my ex fiancee was so kind and in love with me, he never proved me right. I never found anything. He just showed his love more and more. But it was never enough in my eyes. I was living in a world where I would see a pretty girl on t.v and get heated and jealous, we would go to a restaurant, and i would frantically look around to check the place for pretty faces that he might find attractive. I started to hate his hometown because thats where all of his ex-girlfriends are from, and refused to go there in case I would meet one of them. I criticized him all the time. I was depressed. Nothing was happy to me anymore, but he still put up with it. I would make rude comments in public to him about pretty girls when Id see someone more attractive than I am. But he started to fight back, and he turned into a very unhappy person. He started being cold, and rude. He had enough of my crap. He broke up with me saying that we had our own issues to work out.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 2:15am

Hey, my heart's going out to you because it's pretty apparent that even though you're a beautiful girl, you really don't like yourself very much. I'm the resident buttkicker, so be forewarned ;-) I can't understand that, why would you dislike yourself so much, that you assume someone will not want you the way you are? And so you go on these hunts, hunting down anyone and anything that might be any kind of competition for attention, for attraction, for regard.

You think you're shooting them down with your remarks when really, you're only accomplishing pointing out the obvious difference in their attitude v. yours which isn't your best feature at that moment. The reality is that men's eyes zero in on attractive features loooong before women ever notice them, and so trying to deflect and distract is really a waste of time, they've already seen, catalogued, and forgotten by the time you even notice. Not to mention, whenever a pretty (or not so pretty) girl makes an ugly comment about someone else, she shows herself to be not all that attractive on the inside.

Ok, so that's the mechanics behind it all, now what to do about it? Instead of being jealous, you admit when someone is pretty, smart, charming, etc. and you SAY SO. Out loud. For the world (and you) to hear. Believe it or not, you'll feel better about them, about yourself (most importantly) and you'll appear even more attractive and confident to those around you.

As far as your ex-fiance, if you don't cut this out and get to work on your issues with this ASAP, you're going to lose him forever. That and the snooping, the demands, the fighting, the insecurity. Get this in your mind: There's no reason he's obligated to spend the rest of his life tending to your ego. None at all whatsoever, so get yourself straight. This is your responsibility, regardless of who is in your life.

The thing is, that if you keep this behavior up, you WILL bring that which you fear the most, losing his affection, shutting him out so much he may look elsewhere, into your own world. That is exactly how that works.

Girl, I don't mean to be the voice of gloom and doom, but you're hurting yourself, and you really need to take care of this so that you can have the semblance of a happy relationship in the future. It's so discouraging to see someone hurt themselves in this way. I'm thinking you don't like your own company very well, otherwise you wouldn't be quite so jealous. Jealous girls that are as pretty as you are, well, they don't attract much compassion, you know? Get the inside straight. I sincerely doubt he'll want to get back together while you haven't worked most of this out in yourself.

You said you realize you need to do something about this and that is a great thing to admit to yourself. I HIGHLY recommend two, no, three books and an online tool to you in this exact order:

1. Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Damn Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself by Marie Forleo (silly title, AMAZING book)
2. Relationship Rescue by Philip C. McGraw (if anyone needed a dose of that medicine, you do)
3. The Four Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz (if you have an inclination to after the first two)
4. Have the Relationship You Want by Rori Raye (online)

Good luck, and seriously, welcome to the board. I know you're going to find some awesome support here. Definitely.

Hugs.

Myspace CodesMyspace Text Generator, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace, Myspace CodesMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace Graphics

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 1:56pm

Welcome to the board brunette_bmbshl,


I love that song 'it's getting harder and harder to breathe' - sorry :0)


Relationship Grieving Process