It's got nasty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
It's got nasty
6
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:36pm

well,dp and i broke up beginning of january and he moved out 5 weeks ago. wont discuss anything with me-contact with kids,maintance-nothing. blames his depression and just told me he cant talk to anyone.

after 5 weeks of not knowing whetehr im coming or going,and our eldest asking if her dad IS coming home I decided to text him.firstly he isnt spending alot of time with the girls-a couple of hours at weekend whcih just isnt enough quality time. so i texted him.just saying we need to discuss proper arrnagements.i got the usual'its hard for meto make time for everyone' blah blah.I said that i couldnt understand why it was has been so easy to walk away from a 6 yr relationship, hardly see the kids and not react to anything.ok,we've had problems for 6 months but i still loved him and wanted to make it work.i admitted i miss him. he retorted by saying why am i upset? its been on the cards-u know it- and i found this really cold.he went on to text that it takes 2 to break up a relationship but i reminded him of why we have broken up-his sneaky debts-,no money,not talking to me,snapping at the girls etc.he then said im always acting the victim and then went on to say i dont care about my children,that my hamsters take priority(i breed them)i know this isnt true but isnt this the worse thing someone can say to you if you are a mum?

i told him i hope he gets himself sorted out(hes having counselling) and then he sent me a final text saying-here the number for Victim Support-give them a ring.

I never thought we would break up and didnt think he wouldnt talk to me and then say he cant afford to pay me maintenance. ive had to increase my hours at work to maker ends meet and my child care costs have risen.he's still got the keys to MY house and tries to let himself in when he comes round to get the kids-so either i will change locks or get keys back. also he is just assuming he can use MY car as and when he wants-i dont mind him having it when he has the kids to take them out but im going to have to put down some rules.like give me back my keys,i dont want you in my house until we can be amicable.and if i let you have the car put petrol in it!

I know it might sound petty-i dont want to be texting but he wont discuss anything with me and it cant go on.its not fair on my girls.

im hurting so much-not really now that we have split,but more the nastiness with it.also going to have to contact the CSA if he keeps refusing to give me money that will only goes towards some of the child care.

really need some love and hugs right now xxx

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:57pm

I'm sorry for what you're going through...that has got to be tough.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is get yourself to a lawyer ASAP and have a temporary separation agreement/parenting plan/child support order put in place at least for the time being.

And definitely change the locks! Don't even give him the change to play games with you about the keys. If he's trying to use your car (the nerve!) and he has a key, then get one of those club devices and put it on the steering wheel.

Sheri

Avatar for lisa19722001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 6:03pm

First of if the kids are his, he will HAVE to pay child support. SECONDLY, you can take him to court for divorce and force him to pay his bills. IT sounds like he has made up his mind. I think legal action is something that needs to come next. It doesnt sound like he wants to work anything out and is making up excuses. Send him a sopena (<--sp?). I am sure he will have alot to say then.

~L

Avatar for lisa19722001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 6:05pm

Sheri,

I completely agree! SHe needs to take control now. Make everything extremely difficult for him. Lawyer up and tell him she means business. I know it hurts but her and her kids come FIRST!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 8:29am

if i get a lawyer wont it make things worse? i want it to be amicable for the girls sake. but then saying that,eating dinner last night and my ex just walks in after letting himself in! ' i brought some black ink for the printer' so he sits down and fiddles with that then goes on computer,talks to kids and plays with them. Im like totally off my food and not happy at all.but dont want to say anything because the girls are so happy,especially as daddy says-im taking you to cinema on sunday.

we talked about money-he agreed to pay on the 1st of each month-i said if he misses a payment i will take it further.

we were never married-thank goodness(but i wanted to) otherwise it would be more messy

thanks guys

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:40pm

That's really not clear, logical thinking. It will be MUCH better for the girls to have a set schedule for visitation (routine is important for kids), and for you not to be stressed about him just showing up or whether he's going to pay his CS. If you go to court you can probably set it up so that it comes out of his paycheck every month and gets automatically deposited...much less stress for everyone.

And I don't agree that it's necessarily less messy because you weren't married...I did a pro bono case last year where the parents weren't married, but you still have to deal with the parenting/visitation and CS issues if you have kids.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 7:21am

well, you are right about visitation-thats why i texted him in the first place to set up some kind of rountine but it ended up in that nasty row(page 1) I just cannot discuss anything with him-he wont talk to me at all.he is livivng back with his mum and has a daughter from his first marriage(who i am step-mum to and always will be) so his mother has made it clear she doesnt wnat a house full of 2 screaming kids and an active toddler.

Now i feel shes being unreasonable but then its not her fault her son has 2 failed l/t relationships with kids so he just says he will take the kids out for the day-BUT hey-its my car!!! So lets discuss properley-no can do. I dont mind him having car for trip with kids,but if i need it then he will have to go without.

First thing i need to do-get my keys back
secondly-he has the girls at weekend but on alternate days-last weekend he had them sat,this weekend it will be sunday. If i want to go out at weekend he has kids all over weekend.i dont want him coming round after work whilst he is so angry and nasty.

Once he has had some more counselling and things are more rational I will try again to talk to himabout the rountine.the money side-as long as he makes the payment each month i wont CSA him.He is paying the right amount for his wages.

thats the best i can do right now.I cried alot last night in front of my 9 year old and thats not good.just want whats best for my girls-even though ex said i dont care about them much