Its long - but there's a postive message

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Its long - but there's a postive message
1
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:17am

Really long . . .

My bf of 8 yrs and I broke up last summer. A lot went down. I felt we'd become comfortable after buying a house. We didn't do anything and all we did was talk about house stuff. So I tried talking to him about what we should try doing to get that "spark" back. He didn't want to hear it or he was afraid to hear it - I'm not sure. So eventually I broke up with him hoping that it would show him that I was serious about both of us changing.

I feel like I never got to be an individual. I had been a couple with him since I was 19 and everyone knew us that way. I didn't have seperate friends or any real interests of my own. I wanted to work on us and myself at the same time except eventually I realized I needed to start with just me.

I spent last summer in a fog - confused because I thought I couldn't make it on my own or live w/out him. He promised to read up on depression and try to understand what I was going through but he never did. We both sorta spent the summer drinking and partying - I guess that's the easy way to ease the pain. I ended up hooking up, I look back and know I did it to feel liked and wanted. My insecurities were beyond crazy. My ex found out about the hook up and cut me off. We weren't together so it wasn't cheating but I do understand that it's still a horrible feeling. He moved in with his friends parents and I stayed alone at the house.

It was the best thing for me . . . I learned so much about myself. I found my own friends since his stayed on his side and basically cut me off. I tried new things and I learned to look at negative situations more positively.

I did still let him control some of my actions though. I did hope/want to work things out with him because through all of that I feel like I learned how to have a great relationship and I wanted to start over. He made me believe that if I truly loved him that I wouldn't date or start anything new. . . so I didn't.

Fast forward to two months ago . . . after all of that - he finally told me he wanted to try. But right when that happened I found out about all the hooking up he had been doing and it hurt - alot because he had been lying to me for soooo long. I spent the next month crying and angry. We went to therapy but I used it as a resource to discuss the hooking up. Then one day - I decided - the past didn't matter because we were here now with an opportunity not everyone gets - a chance to start fresh. The chance I had been hoping for. Only as I realized this . . . he realized that he can't get over what I've done and that he sees a life with me full of resentment and anger.

So here I am . . . back to the same feelings I had 8 months ago. I know most people on here believe you should do the 30 day detox but we live in the same house right now. He's a wall showing no emotion or care and I'm a wreck. I can't sleep, I can't eat. He's mean and negative and I have these breakdowns. I find myself checking the phone bill to see when he's on the phone. . . but then yesterday . . . as we sat outside the house and he said how he didn't love me enough to try . . . I thought . . .

why am I going to sit here and let him do this to me. I deserve better then this. I've worked really hard to become a different person and find out who I am. Instead of thinking I'm not good enough for him . . . what does he offer me? I gave him the chance to get to know me again and he didn't take it so that's his loss.

So I guess that's the lesson I wanted to share - I find that I along w/most of my friends will make any excuse we can for a guy and why he acts certain ways - because we love someone will let them treat us poorly hoping it will get better - we put them up on these pedistools - we worry about them finding someone wonderful; someone we see as better then ourselves.

And that's the thing - we are all beautiful and unique and there is someone out there that will see it all. Someone that won't have to make a pro/con list (yes he did that) because your cons are quirky things he actually loves.

Maybe I'm annoyingly positive this morning, or I'm just having one of those strong moments, but genuinely I know it's not working out for a reason and instead of being scared of my life without him I guess it's kinda nice that it will have more surprises!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:20pm

Hi cathsgsr,


Keep up the positive outlook, very inspiring!