It's my birthday and no call

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
It's my birthday and no call
10
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:59pm
This is my first time posting here. The man I was seeing for 8 mos. broke up with me almost two weeks ago. We started dating right after I ended a five-year-long relationship, so I tried to take it slow, but he told me he loved me after five months of dating long-distance, seeing each other every couple of weeks. I didn't say it back, at first. Then, we had an emotional experience and we ended up confessing that we would like to have children together someday. I told him I loved him. That was in May. In June after one night in which I had a dramatic run-in with my ex, he started to think things weren't really over with my ex, (not true) and after that his 'feelings changed.' He started to 'open himself up' to other women, meaning flirting. Being the super-honest guy that he is, he felt that was cheating. Broke up with me on July 18th. I was devastated; just days before we were talking about my moving to his city so we could be together. I have never felt so heartbroken. Today is my 32nd birthday, and he hasn't called. While in my rational mind I know that this guy who broke up with me is not the guy I thought he was (because the guy I thought he was would still be here, loving me, and working through our problems!), I am having trouble reconciling this. It feels like salt in the wound. For someone who cares so much about being decent, it just feels mean. I have pored over the boards and know that under no circumstance should I contact him, but DAMN. I really want to now. I don't even care about getting back together with him because this alone shows me that he is NOT THE GUY FOR ME. The guy for me would put aside his fear and issues long enough to wish me well on my day. Now I just want to TEACH him something. Is that acceptable? Or should I still just be sad in silence?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:09pm

I'm sure it doesn't feel good to not hear from him, but look at the flip side--what if he did call and you got your hopes up because of it? I know if I had broken up with someone recently I wouldn't call them on their birthday for that reason.

And always take the high road as far as revenge goes (I'm assuming that's what you mean by "teach him something". It can be therapeutic to fantasize about but I wouldn't take any action.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:33pm
thanks. You are right about the revenge part. I don't want revenge. I would just want him to understand that I wouldn't have thought this was him wanting to get back to me, it just would have been a decent gesture. You know, things may not have worked out but I care about you and happy birthday? Maybe I'm too nice, but that's what I would've done. But maybe you are right...I say it wouldn't have gotten my hopes up but maybe it would have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:15pm

I know this may not be much comfort, but he knows its your birthday and is certainly thinking of you. After all, do you ever forget your ex's bdays even if you have broken up with them? Of course not! Yes, it hurts that he is not calling and wishing you a happy day, but dont let him know that! Let him think you are having a fabulous time out with your family, friends or new people - if anything will teach him a lesson, its that, meaning not giving him the satisfaction, not getting in touch.

PS My bday is around the corner and I know my ex wont call me and I know its gonna hurt like hell, but Im not giving him the satisfaction of knowing Im thinking of him on my day.

Happy Birthday, by the way! I hope this year is a great one for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:27pm

I have 2 little stories for your consideration.

My current ex will be having a bday next weekend (I'd been planning a surprise party which of course had to be canceled once we broke up, but thats another story). I've been debating if I should acknowledge it and if so a call, send a card, a quick email? It's barely been 3 wks, so I'll still be short of my minimum 30 day NC.

My previous ex texted me on my bday 2 yr ago, and I HATED it. It had been a month since we'd broken up (and moved out, we'd lived together for a yr). I was moving on, I was out with friends and this one text brought everything back. It drudged up old memories and hurts and things I really didn't want to think about. I hated him more for it because a part of me also thought the pain I suddenly felt was his intention, that he WANTED to be sure he was on my mind. But even if it wasn't malicious, the end result was me being in pain.

My current ex is a wonderful wonderful guy that it didn't work out with. I would never want to cause him to feel the way I did a few yrs ago. Maybe I'd send him a card and he'd think it was sweet and be happy I thought of him. Or maybe it would bring to mind all the suffering and pain he went through, remind him of "what could have been" but won't be (or maybe just remind him of me and all the mistakes I made and how mad he was-yikes!) It's HIS day, why would I risk that?

I haven't made up my mind for sure yet, but I'm leaning towards NC and letting him have his day all to himself. I'm hoping for some type of friendship eventually, MUCH further down the road because this person holds a very special place in my heart. Once all this smoke clears, THEN I can reach out and let him know I was thinking of him, I might even get him one of those stupid "Happy BELATED Bday" cards=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:33pm
This is my first post but I am in the same situation. I have been confused, emotional and upset for the last month.
I was in a LDR for over a year, I was the one that decided not to move, but continue LD.
He had to relocate back home (NY) and moved with out giving me his new #. His father finally gave me his cell#. I called him to tell him how I felt and I was ready to move.
He told me he couldn't love "anybody" right now because he was focused on getting his life back together. I was devastated and cried horribly. He realized how much he had hurt my feelings and called everyday for a week, multiple times to say he didn't mean any of what he said, he does love me, thinks of me but thinks it is going to hurt him too much to see me again.
The last thing that he said to me was, I know you have a birthday coming soon, I will be in touch. That was 3 weeks ago.
My answer to you is (without sounding crazy). You need to do whatever makes you feel better in the end. If you call and tell him he hurt your feelings for not calling on your b-day, or you think in the end suffering in silence will make you feel better, that is what you need to do.
I have friends that say call or dont call, there is not a right answer.
Make yourself feel better so you can move on and find Happiness!
Happy Birthday!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:44pm
Happy Brithday! I am so glad I read this message. My boyfriend of a year and a half just broke up with me on June 4. We had an amazing relationship and I am still so much in love with him. He just graduated from West Point and is going to be serving in the Army, moving all over the country and eventually being deployed to Iraq. The reason he gave me for the break up was because "we are at the point when we basically have to either get married or break up and neither of us are ready for marriage" Then it ended just like that. I have had a tough time letting go and have still been speaking with him somewhat on a weekly basis because he lives 4 blocks away from my beach house right now. My birthday is this Friday and I am petrified thinking about what is going to happen. Is he going to be a coward and text message me instead of calling? Is he going to call me at all? He has been acting distant since we broke up and hasn't always answered my calls or called me back but we have seen each other in person twice and we hung out the whole time. We met up about 3 weeks ago to talk and ended up hanging out for 5 hours. I gave him a letter I wrote him and he started tearing up so I know I still mean something to him. I am just so miserable and hate this more than anything. He was my first love and this could definitely ruin my birthday so I completely know how you are feeling...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:57pm
Thanks to all for responding to my post, and for the birthday wishes. It was tough. He never called, and it was so hard because all my friends went to great lengths to make sure I had a happy birthday, but there was still the black cloud hanging over it. I mean, let's face it, any birthday that happens after you've been recently broken up with is going to be difficult. I'm just trying to find my way, and be authentic. I have read all the advice of no contact for 30 days (which incidentally varies...some say 60, some say two weeks...) and I have thought that the best way for me, but after yesterday, and last night, I went home and wrote him a letter. "It's my birthday," I started. "How are you?" The gist is that it was my birthday, and there were all these great things about it--I told him all the love I'd received from friends, family. But also that I had hoped to share some small piece of it with him, however brief. I have always held him in such high regard (perhaps pushing the pedestal??) and his ignoring me just brought him down to the level of a guy that I don't know. I wrote because I don't want this downgraded version of him. He is better than that, despite everything. While he seems to have turned off his love like a spigot, I think love doesn't really go away. It just evolves. At least, that is how it is for me. That is why I would never do what he did. I would call, because I would want to wish someone well,and would trust that they could understand that in its simplicity. Even though he didn't call, by writing him this letter I felt I was able to be my authentic self, address his cowardice with real words and feelings (without calling him a coward!) because I am not afraid. I am not playing a game here, these are my feelings. I told him what would have happened if he had called: I would have thanked him, I would have asked him how the bar went, (he broke up w/ me while he was studying for it) and I would have seen it as a decent gesture. The end. It comforted me to finally say something to him, without anger, just matter-of-fact me. It felt like something I needed. I mailed it off today, and no regrets!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 5:28pm

Well, you have valid reasons for doing what you did. I hope you feel the same way a week or a month from now. I've never had good luck with the aftermath of sending stuff like that but hopefully you'll have a different experience.

As for NC--the amount of time it takes to get over someone is going to vary greatly, so I strongly disagree with any set time period (it's the one thing I vigorously disagree with in the Greg Behrendt breakup book, because there's NO WAY 60 days is going to be enough if your relationship lasted longer than a few months.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 6:47pm
I hope I feel better about it in a month, too. So far, so good. It's been liberating for me to take control of my feelings. I feel like I needed to do that to take care of myself, too. I agree with you re: the time period. I think that can apply to any set of rigid edicts--they are guidelines, but every relationship, just like every person, is different. But, likewise it's been great to come here and share w/ people who are going through the same thing. We will survive!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:29pm
Can totally relate. Ended a two week breaking up process up the night before...hanging up literally an hour before my birthday. no call, sent nothing. Worse, I get a card--three days late-- saying how much I meant to him even though he couldn't say more because of "where we are at in our relatinship." SO hurtful because the week before when we were already in problem/breakingup mode, I put it all on hold so I could do EVERYTHING to make his birthday a special and fun day and put aside where we are at. Obviously, he is too selfish and immature to do the same for me...and it sucks and hurts. I have also debated whether to mention to him (he is already asking for a redo of the breakup) how much that hurt but I think pointign out his selfishness will ony make him defensive. Sorry it had to happen to you too!