It's odd...but I do miss him

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
It's odd...but I do miss him
3
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:23am
Hi everyone,

I haven't been back on ivillage for a while. I was here earlier this year, and since I burned everything from my past relationship, it was just too hard to come back and write about my feelings again. Well just to update, my ex bf had broken our almost 5 years relationship off last December. It has been 10 months since we broke up, and 8 months since I last talked/saw him. I have done a good job of putting my life, which was a complete mess, back together. Soon after the breakup, I became depressed and anorexic. I wouldn't eat, and I was terribly sick for a while.

Since then, I leased out my apartment, moved home, and my family helped me build a new life. Now I'm making more money than I ever have been, doing everything that I have ever wanted to do, the red glow on my face has returned, and my friends had said to me that they have never seen me happier.

However, for the past month, I have been missing him. I can't seem to get him off my mind. I've dated around, but I just can't seem to get over it and move on. The men who I've dated understand how much he had hurt me. They took the relationship slow, but I just couldn't handle. It kept going through my head that I don't think that I can ever kiss anyone else, or hold anyone else's hands, or give myself to anyone else but him. These men are so kind, all we have done is talk. At the end of the night, I hesistate to even give them a hug.

It's been 10 months. Why can't I move on? I just don't understand. I made a list of the pros and cons of our relationship. It seems like I was very unhappy being in a relationship with him. He was detering me from finishing school, getting a job, he was spending all of my money, he controlled who I became friends with. So knowing that I would have been unhappy anyways if our relationship worked out, I should be happy that we're over. But why am I not? WHy do I find myself angry that he dumped me (with the lame excuse of "It's not you, it's me"? Why do I find myself shutting out good men because I can't seem to get over him?

Gosh, I just want so baddly to move on. I thought having a new man in my life would make me forget about him. No, it did just the opposite.

Thnks for the advice everyone!

Nina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:25am
Hi Nina,

I'm in a similar boat as you...my ex nd I were togethr for a year, and we broke up Nov 2003 (with the, "I just don't feel the same way anymore" line). That was the last time I saw him and the last time I talked to him was 8 months ago...However, I still find myself thinking about him often.

I also relapsed to anorexia/bulimia (I had been previously since I was 17, and I'm now 23) and was very depressed. I think you and I have both replaced our pain from the relationship with an easting disorder to distract us. I know thats what it did for me at least.

And I too have been doing a good job as far as putting my life back together: travelling to Europe, getting a promotion, moving into a new apartment, etc. Think of all you have done and accomplished since the break-up. I know I try to do that, and while it does help, it still bothers me that if I'm as great and everyone else seems to think I am, why doesn't he? I try really hard to not let that question repeatedly ask itself. Why let someone who didn;t think you were worth it determine your own happiness? He was probably unhappy with himself, and wanted to bring you down with him. Don't let him, as hard as it is.

You have taken a big step by dating people. I have not even tried to do that yet. I am scared to death. I've gone out with my friends, and gotten drunk at bars and wound up making out with some random guy who wants my number, and so I foolishly give it to them...then they call me (!! who woulda though??) and I don't ansewr. I know exactly how you feel. I can't get over him. I can't. I've tried, and I think you and are very strong for holding onto the NC rule as long as we have. Do you now how hard that is for some people? That we're not putting ourselves in the position to be yo-yoed around by our exes?

Don't get me wrong...I MISS him. SO much. But, like you, I have made a list of what he has done to hurt me while we were together, how he didn't make me his priority, how he would insult me (jokingly, he would say), use me as his doormat, and make me feel like it didn't really matter if I was or wasn't in his life. So, why do we miss guys who treat us like dirt?

The only thing I can come up with is that there were the good times. The moments that made your stomach jump and heart flutter. The words that would be spoken sweetly and the arms that were loving. Even if these moments were far and few...they existed. And we want them back. We want them to be like that 24/7. Unfortunatley, it doens't work like that. I've accepted that I won't call him, e-mail him, see him, because I KNOW how he really is. As soon as I pick up that phone to call him, he'll be all nice and happily surprised to hear from me. As soon as we hang up, I know he'll call his friends and brag about how I still love him and want him back, and look how pathetic Shannon is.

I won't give him that. Neither should you.

So, Nina, missing him is understandable, so understandable. But I think it should be left at that. If he missed you as much as you him, he would come back. I don't have the answer of how to move on. I just try to live my life, and I find I am really proud of myself when I go the whole morning w/o thinking of him. These are little steps, but important ones. I still don't feel closure (what else do I need to feel it, I have no clue...), but I'm trying.

I'm sorry I don;t have alot of answers, I wish I did. I can just empathize and relate. It's good to know that even after all this time, I'm not weird for taking this long to get over someone I shouldn't have loved to begin with. Take care.

Shannon

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:43am
Nina,

I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. It seems to me that when your ex said, "It's not you, it's me" that might actually have been the truth because he sounds like a real loser. And I think you're better off without him and it seems you know that.

Having said that, you were involved with this man for nearly five years. That's a long time and I don't know how old you are but it might also be a good chuck of your life ... the pain doesn't end just because we want it to. It ends of its own accord. And the path to healing isn't always straightforward. Sometimes it's a zig zag of ups and downs. I think it's normal to feel some residual pain and missing him.

In 2002 I was involved with someone who hurt me really badly. It took me over a year to get over him. Even though the whole relationship was less than a year, it still took me MORE than the length of time we were together to get over him. I'm not saying that to alarm you. Don't go thinking that it will take you five years to get over him, but it may take longer than ten months. That's normal. Reaching out to others and talking about it helps.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

Hang in there. This is difficult for everyone. What you're experiencing is normal. Don't be hard on yourself.

You might want to take a look at this book:

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

It has always helped me with loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 11:10pm
I don't understand why I miss my xb so much either...he gave me the excuse of " you deserve so much better." I know that he's right...but I miss him so much.

We weren't together for very long, but what I felt for him was so strong.

For the pass week I've been really depressed. I've moved on in my career and should be happy for my accomplishments, but I feel like I wish I could share my life with him.

We broke up 2 1/2 months ago. I dealt with the pain for about two weeks...and then I just started acting like an idiot. I was going out drinking 3 times a week, and made out with practically every guy I met. I even had a one night stand with a guy from Scottland---I felt kind of dirty bc/ I'm not that girl. I just wanted to feel wanted.

And so now all of it is hitting me really hard. I went shopping today...and I came across a CD that we used to always listen to and I had to hold back the tears.

I can't stop thinking about him...I don't want to feel this way anymore. Why can't I just move on from this...I am really scared bc/ I feel like I can't controll any of my feelings anymore or try to drink them away.

I'm still in love with him despite his lies and intentions to cheat on me. I guess it's bc/ he was my first love---I had put all of my guards down, and everything came crashing down on me. I sometimes feel so suffocated by all of it---and feel like I'll never be able to get over him.