Its over . . . .
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Its over . . . .
| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 5:13pm |
Well, after four years my fiance dropped "the bomb" on me (yesterday) He wants out of our relationship: saying that we are just room-mates. I told him that wasn't an option for me, he can't breakup with me and still expect me to live with him like nothing happened!
Four years down the drain (well, four years as of August 7th, anyway). . . all of our plans, the wedding, the baby . . everything. I have cried so much today that I feel like I'm going to die! He won't even speak to me and explain why he is doing this!
I'm so upset, I don't know what to do.

Welcome to the board nefertari279,
Have you asked him to consider counseling?
Would you be able to pull yourself out of the black hole you're in long enough to work on things with him?
“Would you be able to pull yourself out of the black hole you're in long enough to work on things with him? I'm guessing you both allowed the relationship to stagnate. Really big mistake (and so sadly common) for most everyone, because long-term relationships don't hold themselves up over time, they ***must*** be nurtured. Is that what happened?”
We talked . . . or argued about this last night. I told him that I was more than willing to accept responsibilty for my part in this and I want to work things out.
"You say "it's not an option" to break up but if it's not, then what is? What do you propose to do about this? Typically, when people do this, it's because they've lost interest. That usually doesn't happen on it's own, it usually happens because no one was paying the right attention to the relationship. If you think he might be receptive to new ideas, what can you do to generate NEW interest with him?"
I told him that “living just as room-mates” wasn’t an option for me, either we need to mutually work through this or we need to move on. I think the gist of the issue is that we are both allowing “outside stuff” affect our relationship. He is dealing with his son, who is a meth addict. To make a long story short, I understand how painful this is for Steven as a parent, but he can’t force his son to change, only Josh can do that. Steven has become so destressed because of this that he is pushing me complexly away. I am trying to be compassionate during this time but I’m begining to resent Steven’s behavior toward me. I’ve mentioned counseling but he refuses to even meet me half way. On top of that my parents have all but cut me out of their lives, they have never actually gotten to know Steven but they can’t stand him.
I’ve shed enough tears over this . . . .
"We talked . . . or argued about this last night. I told him that I was more than willing to accept responsibilty for my part in this and I want to work things out."
So after all the talking, the question is DOES he sound as if he's willing to put in the effort to repair this relationship? The hardest thing is to accept that if you aren't BOTH in it 110%, your relationship can't be fixed?
From personal experience, I took took responsibility and promised to make the changes I said I would. And I DID do that. But although I convinced him to agree to give it another try, he a. didn't take responsibility for his half our our problems b. made no effort to fix it. I came off feeling worse than if I'd just accepted that it was over when he broke it off. And on top of that I resented him afterward because I was the only one keeping this relationship together. And it wasn't worth it.
So take a good hard look at whether or not he's SINCERELY willing to do his part instead of trying to salvage. Four years is a long long long time...but imagine having to keep it together by yourself for the next 4 years without any support from him. Are you ready to sit in front of the television every night and cry from frustration and rejection? Because I couldn't take it for mroe than a week.
Good luck.
Carrie- I think you are a very inspiring person with a lot of great advice. I am going through a very tough break up right now and while I would like to say those things and not want to call, it is really not that black and white.
Hi lanis2007,
Thanks for your kind words.... no it's never black and white.