It's over and I wish he'd reconsider

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
It's over and I wish he'd reconsider
3
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 9:39am

Last night my bf of 2 1/2 months said we should end things. He said lately he has been feeling like he has to force himself to be my boyfriend, that it just isn't feeling natural anymore. He has gone through a lot lately, a death in the family, problems at work. He hasn't even been hanging out much with his guy friends. And he didi have a past relationship that continues to make him scared to death of being in a serious relationship - he had just said he really wanted to try and now he can't.

I know it has only been 2 1/2 months, but here's the deal. I have never felt a stronger connection with anyone. Our first date lasted 3 days of just talking and laughing. Sort of an instant relationship. His friends and family all said we were going to get married, and I could even feel that sort of connection. It was early, but I could see that it was very possible. He was very communicative early on about feeling the same thing. Even last night he said he is kicking himself because I am his perfect girl. Not only everything on paper he is looking for, but also with the emotional connection, he just can't give himself that way right now. He wants to still be friends and if it develops into more, great, but I just don't know if I can do that. I love his friends and family, they are so much fun to hang out with, but I don't know if it will just hurt too much to try to do. Last night the connection was still very much alive. We actually had the best conversation over dinner in a long time. It felt so easy and nice to talk to him, even the way things were happening.

A great connection like this doesn't come along very often. How can I deal? Can I really expect to find that sort of connection with someone so easily and quickly again? Should I try to maintain a friendship with him knowing it could become something more? my best friend is out of town and I don't really know too many other people here, so I am lost as to how I am going to get through this weekend :-(

-S

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:00pm

I know how frustrating and sad it is to have to say goodbye to someone you feel that connection with, because it IS rare. That's what kept me in my most recent relationship for so long, even though I recognized that the connection wasn't enough.

I don't think I'd hang out with him as friends (it would be too painful, IMO). I would let him know that if and when he wants to try again, and perhaps take things more slowly, then he should call you but in the meantime, you need to move on.

I don't know the answer to whether you'll find another connection like that again, but I personally have to believe that I will, or I might as well pack it in right now, ya know?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 9:34am

I'm miserable. I woke up crying this morning. I am having the hardest time believing and understanding that I met a man that has every single quality I am looking for, has even more great qualities I didn't even realize I was looking for and yet still had that deep emotional connection with. He emailed yesterday saying he understands that it is a bad situation, but he can't keep being uncaring and rude to me and that is the only way he can act right now as my boyfriend. That he doesn't have the capacity to have a relationship right now.

I just can't believe I lost him, my perfect guy, my best friend. It is like he isn't going to give what we have a chance because right NOW it is hard. I really think he is depressed because he doesn't look forward to seeing his friends or anything, has been having a hard time at work and of course is still mourning the death in his family.

How can I accept this, when I still feel everything deep inside? Nothing changed or went wrong as far as I am concerned. He said it was nothing I did, it was just like a switch in his head went off.

I miss him so much already, and I just don't understand. It still keeps coming into my head that he said he wants us to be friends, and if it develops into more, great. How can I turn everything off in my head to be his friend again? I really want to because it is so easy for us to be together,and his friends are really special to me, too. But how can I turn it off yet knowing that it could still happen between us, and wanting that so badly!?

It was a rough night. At least I slept last night unlike the night before, but I just can't deal. No one is here for me right now. I really am truly alone and lost something very special and important to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 9:52am

hey.. i just wanted to let you know that i know how youre feeling. i dont know if you read my earlier post, but my bf and i started dating several months back, but were only physically together for 2 of them or so. then i had to move away for a few months and so we decided to call things quits, and didnt talk for a month. eventually he called me and we got involved again.. long distance. things were great but they obviously got more serious, as they have to do when you make a committment to someone you never see. well, we work on the same base and i will be returning there next week (yep- we broke up a week before we would finally be together)... but the other night he ended things saying that he just cant get that serious with me.... hes had exs in the past that have him hesitatnt to be serious, as well as the facct in 8 months hes being sent to another base for training, and then he (most likely) is going to be deployed and he just cant see getting so involved emotionally with me, knowing what his future has in store and its just easier to end things now because in his words, "it will hurt less now than it will once weve been involved for 8 months"... i told him i didnt care and now hes taking 2 weeks to "think" about what he wants. i know the final choice will be to end it- which really makes sense logically looking at the future, but the thing is.. i dont care. he is the best connection ive had with anyone, we just click in every way possible and are great together- the only problem is timing.

but then i look back on all my other relationships.. most of them ended because of bad timing ( i think thats common theme in your 20's). and i remember thinking with each one "hes the best ive had so far, i just wish the timing was right- i dont know if i will find that again".... but i did, and it was stronger each time- because i think each time you break up wiht someone, you go through that "me" period and you realize what went wrong with the last one, and add that to the list of things to look out for with the next guy... and it takes time, but eventually you find someone who meets the standards on this list you have that just keep getting tougher and tougher. and i know thats hard to see when youre sad (trust me.. i still think about this recent guy 'geez, i know i wont find that again') but then i say to myself "do you believe in your heart that you will eventually get married?" and of course i do... then i ask myself "do you really think that the connection you had with this guy for the last few months will be stronger than the connection will be with the man you actually MARRY?" and of course my answer is no- and that really puts it all into perspective for me- you may not find it for a while, and may date some real duds before you find him.. but yes, i really do think you will find taht again.. and probably even stronger.

as for being friends with him, i think thats a bad idea. first off.. the only times an ex has ever come back into my life was when i cut him out of mine- so if you are thinking that you want to be friends with him to try to stay in his life (hoping he will change his mind)- it will probably not work. that just puts you at risk of being in a compromising situatino where he has control and because you will do whatever he wants to stay in his life. it also doesnt let you get over him. cutting him out of your is the ONLY WAY TO MOVE ON.. especially withthe way you are feeling- you cant be just friends with him and you know it. if you cut him out of your life, you can move on with it... and then if he does pop back in down the road, you can make a more objective decision whther you REALLY want it or not.

i just read your last post as i am writing this (i am up early right now for the same reason you are)- and i KNOW how you feel- mine had to go to something on base that as he said "was a switch that realized his life was going in a different direction, nothing changed in the relationship, i did nothing wrong, he was still absolutely crazy about me, but he just didnt see how it could work right now"..... so i hope if i didnt make you feel better at all with anything ive said, atleast you know that our situations are SO similar and you are not the only one going through this- and no matter what turns out you (and i) will both be OK.

favorite saying of mine that helps me get through rough times "everything will be ok in the end, if it isnt ok, then it isnt the end".. its kinda corny.. but keep that in the back of your mind when you start feeling really low- cause its true. i hope you start feeling better and try to stay positive.