It's Over, BUT He stalks
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| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 5:19pm |
I left my guy in January 2005. I was never right, not quite good enough, hadn't done nearly enough for him, but I had my fill of him.
A few weeks later he started calling my cell using "Restricted", *67, but it would come up on my detailed billing as his number every time.
I called him on it and asked him to stop. I even tried to be nice and made chit-chat without letting him know too much.
He continued calling for the rest of 2005, it let up some in 2006.
He has a business that is connected to a radio station in town so he is at every event, concerts, etc.
My favorite band is playing this weekend near my home. I would love to go, but he will very likely be there since he knows I like them. My sister has seen him at several events already since we broke up. She won't talk to him, she hates him for what he did to me.
I don't know how to handle how I feel. I feel trapped at home so I don't run into him. My biggest problem is that I think he will start calling, driving by, etc. all over again.
Any suggestions??

Since you broke up with him, he might feel rejected, hurt, and angry. If you feel he is in fact stalking you for revenge or for whatever reason, I would suggest you take some precaution. I'm not sure what kind of person is he, or if he is dangerous but it's best to play things safe in these types of situation. I wouldn't try to provoke him. If he gets in contact with you remain calm, don't let him know he intimidates you. Be polite and say hi but hint to him discreetly that what he's doing make you uncomfortable and makes the break up hard to cope with. Perhaps you can suggest it is nice to maintain a friendship after a break up but but its a bit awkward seeing each other. Tell him YOU would feel a bit uncomfortable seeing him, especially with another girl because part of you will always care for him but you guys are just not right for each other. You're not going to change who you are and you don't expect him to change either. If you guys stay together you're just going to make each other unhappy and that's selfish and irrational. There is someone out there better suited for the both of you and you guys aren't meant to be together. Perhaps that'll make him feel better and he would leave you alone.
I'm not sure what approach you used to break it off with him, but it's obvious he's not over it. From your comments, seems like he doesn't respect you and puts you down. It's a hard blow for him that YOU were the one who broke it off with him. It must of hurt his pride alot and he must resent you for that. Especially when other people know about it. You have to use psychology to solve this. He seems like an unstable person. Was he physically abusive towards you?
I would tell all your family and friends about this, so they are aware of the situation. I would go to the police station and ask for advice, since they deal with these types of things all the time. If things get out of hand, like if he gives you death threats I would suggest getting a restraining order. Be careful around him, but don't let him intimidate you, show him you're not scared and you're over him but be polite. It makes him feel big that he knows you're scared and that gives him power. Don't give him that.
It's a good sign that he stopped driving by and calling. It might mean he's over the whole thing or beginning to. Who knows, maybe he's seeing someone else. If you really want to go see your band, you can take a some people with you, like your sister and friends. Or have someone pick you up after the show. I doubt he'll do anything especially with a big crowd of people. I wish you the best. Take care.
Hi pinkfreesia and welcome to the board.
I need some clarification...he let up some in 2006.
Hi!
This is a very distressing situation and extremely unpleasant.
You have several options---don't go but then you're cutting yourself off. Go with a good friend or guy friend and explain the situation. Go with a friend and make plans to leave if you feel uncomfortable and explain to your friend the situation. Hopefully you can find someone who's understanding and willing to accompany you.
Also, should you see him walk right past him. He doesn't exist for you, it's over, he's a face in the crowd. Ignore him. You owe him nothing. If it gets more serious call the police and begin documenting this so you can get a restraining order. Best of luck. Let us know what happens.
People who met him from my circle described him as controlling, but careful to put on a good face around the right people.
He seems a lot like my ex-husband to my sister. Insecure, very afraid I would walk away from him, just like his ex-wife did.
It was odd, he had a thing about sex, it was for "married people", we are both in our mid 30's have been divorced since 1995, each of us respectively, so when he said that, I immediately thought it was strange.
Then he started telling me I was just like his ex. We were out one night and he was yelling at me on his cell phone about traffic he was stuck in. I tried to reassure him, relax you'll get here. He told me if I couldn't help him, I should just forget it. He showed up at my house later and insisted we hurry up and go out. He yelled at me all the way to the club, yelled at the bartender/waitress, then bought me a rose and made like nothing happened. We were starting to have fun when a Ho walked in and started flirting with him, loudly across the bar with me sitting there. I said nothing...then we got home and he told me I ruined the whole night by letting the Ho win. WHAT?!
I talked to him last in June 2005. He hinted he wanted to see me and I didn't take the bait. He continued to call and hang up. I kept my phone records and have a DVD of him being on my parking lot at work. I do NOT play around with dangerous men.
The last time he called was last summer. He works 1 block north of my office and his house is about 1 mile south, so the odds of seeing him are high as it is.
My sister hates him deeply, my friends dislike him too and I believe someone would smack him. not me.
He wanted me to quit my job, have 10 kids, help run his small business, AND, get this: I was not to wear makeup, could not cut my hair, stop wearing deodorant, grow armpit hair, not wear any support bra, underwire, etc.
He told me all I wanted to do was fight with him, he said if we went out, i would wait until we got home to, "SMart off to him"...what is this??????
I have dated many more successful men, handsome men, who treated me beautifully. I see many of them without any issue. They do not stalk. I may get an email or casually bump into one. I have received many post-relationship proposals of marriage from these men. Many who have said they made a huge error in letting me go. very sweet.
WHy is this one guy so off-kilter? His only marriage lasted 18 months, they dated for a year and he said it seemed like she was jealous of her sister getting married and then insisted they get married too. it didn't last. yet, he still talks to her, they have reunited several times in the last decade or so. She moved on and married, had children, etc. He hasn't. I don't see how he could based on how he was with me.
he would withhold affection if I did the slightest thing to offend him. We never spent the night together away from home. I can count on one hand the number of times he stayed overnight at my house.
I never met his family, friends, etc. He says I was exactly what he was attracted to. Perfect, then it was, change this, change that, you have to do this to be with me.
I never went to his house...I had to entertain him at my house all the time. Not cheap to do either.
It's bizarre...how did I get here?
I'm seeing someone now and I'm so happy with him. He knows about this clown and he doesn't trust him. The relationship is different, he can't wait to be with me. He is affectionate, loving. So different.
I went to counseling for about 6 months after I left the last guy. I was hurt. It was the first time in 4 years I considered marriage and children again. It was like a dream was possible, but taken away.
Hi pinkfreesia,
I wish there were cut and dry answers as to why someone can get so off-kilter.
I just found your old post...oh my
Having a Hard Time a Year Later
Check your email.