Its over The kids called the shots

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
Its over The kids called the shots
1
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:55pm
After 14 years and four kids, I left a very toxic marriage. It took 4 more years to find my solemate, the love of my life. We have been together 3 years. Never a fight, I love you every day, planning to be together for the rest of our life...then... POOF. Done in two days. I am totaly devistated, having old feelings when I left my first husband of emptiness. I can't stop crying, I can't believe it.
Our children have had on going issues about getting along. Best friends one minute, escalating fights the next. His son is a VERY immature 15yo that demands alot of his fathers time, spoiled, erruptive, demanding etc. My boys can not stand him and his antics of teasing, swearing, know it all, personality. Always has to one-up them. My youngest son got to the breaking point and made a heated comment that he wasn't part of our family. This sent his son into a crying fit, and he demanded his mother to come get him and he moved out to be with her. My SO instantly became depressed, and refused to see that there was a bigger picture to this situation. He took the side that his son was wronged by my son and told me he cannot turn his back on his emotional son and needs to leave to be with him. He loves me to death, but his son doesn't want to come back into the house, so he needs to find other arrangements. My children are happy that his son is gone, he teased my 9yo often to the point of tears.
This BTW, is his 4th time this kid moved out when he gets "unhappy". The child needs counceling. My kids refuse to go to learn how to get along as does his son, so.... WHAT HAPPENED HERE??? Lack of disipline from the boys parents and no backbone to stand up to him resulted in a good relationship broken-up and my children again left once again (Their father chooses to not be part of their lives) I'm trying to tell myself that in the long run, it is best for my kids, but I can't help but feeling we have a child here with too much power.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:37pm

Hi mdwz. Bless your heart for all you've gone thru with this. I can't agree with you more, that what destroyed your marriage was the dysfuntional r'ship your dh has with his son. I'm coming to the realization that if a man has children, whether grown or young, I need to know the r'ships he has with them are relatively healthy, before I can consider getting to know him at all. Otherwise, if those r'ships aren't mostly healthy, it's a sure sign it will greatly interfere & eventually destroy any romantic r'ship that might develop between the father & me.

That is my new theory on this subject that was never an issue for me until the last 3 yrs, after having a serious r'ship with a man who's 30 yr old dd still lives at home, just the 2 of them, & who he sometimes treats more like his wife than his dd & vice versa. And like your SO, my xbf could not say no to his dd!!! Same thing with young children, if the kids have too much control, the parent's new r'ship will pay the price, eventually, in one way or another, if not many ways, if the problem isn't corrected. The thing is, it's sooooooo much easier said than done to correct the problem, becoz OMG, my bf did NOT want anything to do with having to admit to the issue. I tried for almost 3 yrs to believe him when he said he was sorry & that he'd try to be more mindful about it in the future, but have only been hurt with it time after time after time. Enough was enough & I walked away last fri nite, the Epiphany, since hah, I'd say that's what I had too, an epiphany.

So, Mdwz, from where I'm sitting, it sounds to me like you & your children been living in an unhealthy situation for 3 long yrs. If your SO was able to love you ~enough~, your r'ship would & should come FIRST, hands down, always, but like my r'ship too, it did not.

Have you felt any moments of the relief yet?? Let those thoughts wash over you. I bought 3 books the other nite, 2 about breaking up. One thing I've read is it's important to
*remember the BAD*, dont delude yourself about how perfect he was, remember that he put his spoiled son's wishes & needs before YOURS, & that YOUR children's needs get shuffled to the back burner. Don't you believe you deserve better becoz you GIVE better?? I sure do about myself. I gave & deserved much better than I got. I'm still hurting & going thru a million emotions, but I'll get thru it, & you will too. Right??? OR would you reunite with him IF things were to remain the same as they've been about his son?

Anyway, hugs to you. I know it's so hard to break up. I still love my bf, very much, but really feel he's not good for me, & therefore for my dd either. Do you feel that way too? I think you have more mixed feelings about that than me. But wouldn't you become resentful after more yrs & yrs worth of feeling like anyone else's needs are paramont in the eyes of your SO, than the needs of your r'ship with him? I believe that if both partners can't put the r'ship first, whenever there is an option, that the r'ship is doomed. Take care, I hope you feel better soon, & that you'll let us know how you're doing.