It's over no matter what

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
It's over no matter what
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Fri, 03-16-2007 - 5:07pm
Okay so you've all heard my story a zillion times.
Well I know it's over and so days I'm okay with it and some days I'm not. It think more if it is b/c I just can't get used to him not being in my life, not that he's not my b/f anymore. He barely acted like a b/f anyhow. I haven't seen him in about 2 1/2-3 wks now but he's called and we've had 5 min conversations here and there. There aren't really conversations but more of stupid stuff he's calling for.
I got out of work early today and he's supposed to be working 3p-11p. As I was sitting at the computer he showed up at the apt to get stuff for the gym. He has stuff at our apt b/c I'm moving back to NY when I get a new job so he's been staying at a friends house.
Anyhow, I try hard not to be mean and snotty b/c it just makes me more miserable but when he was trying to talk to me and be nice I could barely say anything. I was real short and only answered what he asked etc. Now I'm all sad and crying and wish he never showed up. I don't know why I'm crying b/c it's not like I don't know it's over and he's already seeing someone new after 2 1/2 mths (he was seeing her 2 wks after we broke up)
I guess maybe it's b/c I know that if I get this job I've interviewed for, I know that I'll be leaving and I won't see him anymore. That's it and it's final and he could care less. How can you be a part of someones life for 7 yrs and just walk away as if they are just an acquaintance you met sitting at the table next to you at dinner one night.
Maybe it's a guy thing or maybe I'm just stupid, I don't know (probably a little of both). I don't expect to just be over him just like that b/c that's just not how I operate and I have to admit I don't have too many crying breakdown days now. But I do still think about him and wish that he'd just call me and tell me he screwed up and please don't leave and go back to NY. I know it won't happen and it's normal for me to feel this way but how come they never do... let me take that back... they do but not until 1yr or so later when you've moved on. I just want to blink all my sadness away. I see all of these happy couples out there and wonder-- why not me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 6:39pm

Hey Belly, I'm sorry that this is happening to you. 7 years is a long time. I haven't heard your story before but it's no surprise to me that you're so upset, I mean who wouldn't be. I had nervous breakdowns, days I can't stop crying, suicidal thoughts, and all that stuff over guys in the past. Even though some of them were jerks, you can control the deep sadness and sharp pain you feel in your heart. It's exhausting, literally to feel so depressed and angry at the same time. Everyone's methods of getting over a person is different but I find crying and talking to people to be helpful.

You said he's dating someone else only 2 weeks after your break up? Hmmm, that raises some questions for me. What was his reason for breaking up with you? When did he meet this person? After 7 years, you don't get rid of those feelings just like that, so I'm sure part of him still cares for you and always will. But the fact that he's seeing someone so soon tells me he may of been emotionally detached from you in some way before you guys broke up. If he knew this woman while you guys were still together, he might of developed an emotional affair with her and ended things with you because he didn't want to drag you along.

Is this the first time you guys broken up? From my own experience and from relationships I observe from other people and relationship articles/books I've read, when someone breaks up with their partner it's usually because they are not happy in a relationship or don't have a need fulfilled. Most people "fill the need" by finding someone who is able to provide things their current partner doesn't give them. For example, I knew a girl who's boyfriend cheated on him because she wanted to save herself. He went to someone else to "fulfill" his need.

I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for over 2 years but was emotionally detached from him. She would complain that he didn't pay attention to her, that she feel he would choose his friends over her, he didn't listen to what she has to say, especially her problems. Ultimately, she didn't feel she could marry him and spend the rest of her life with him. She befriended a guy and began to have an "emotional affair" with him. They would email each other and talk on the phone. When he confessed he liked her, she compared him to her current boyfriend.

Unfortunately, he possessed better qualities in her opinion than her boyfriend. She broke it off with her boyfriend, and he was devastated and shocked. They never really fought, he thought she was happy with him. I'm friends with him and I explained to him that her emotional needs were not met in their relationship. He had no idea she felt this way and she never told him. He thought their relationship was close to perfect.

I knew a guy who was dating my friend for about 2 years about broke up with her. Right after they broke up, he was seeing someone else. Turns out he started to get detached from my friend while she was away from school and ended up having feeling for his current girlfriend.

I'm not sure what made you guys break up but the fact that he got a girlfriend so soon, does stir up some questions. The fact that you still see him and talk to each other on the phone means you guys must of ended on good terms. I see you obviously still want him back. First ask yourself, why you guys broke up in the first place. Then ask yourself do you think the relationship will work if by chance you guys end up back together? Are you willing to put yourself through the pain you're going through now again in the future if it doesn't work out? If you truly believe that you guys can work things out in the relationship, and willing to take the risk of getting hurt all over again if it doesn't, then I would try. But if you know that the same problems will arise in your relationship with him and not much you can do about it, I would say let it go. Why would you set yourself up to get hurt again?

It seems like he has moved on, since he's already seeing someone else. Perhaps the job in New York is a sign. Perhaps the one you are meant to be with is in NY. It's got to be hard for you knowing he's with someone else. I can't tell you to fight or move on because I'm not sure of your situation. It seems best for you to move on seeing that he seemed to have moved on. I think the more you have contact with him the harder it is to get over him. I read that when you're in love, you release endorphins, a chemical that makes you feel happy. Certain food makes you release this chemical too. It's like drug, you would want more of it when you have gotten so much of it for such a long period. When you miss that person, it's like going into "withdrawl". We're like drug addicts when we're in love, as disturbing as that sounds.

We love the feeling of being in love, and it hurts when that is taken away and you just want it back, you miss it, you long for it. Only time can ease some of the pain. I believe when you finally realize it's in fact over and accept that, you can begin to really grieve and later heal. You're still in the stage where you feel there is hope, you're hanging onto a thread that you know can break any second. I know that feeling, I'm familiar with that feeling. That irrational, desperate feeling. You fantasize that he'll run back into your apartment on his knees, crying, telling you how much he missed he, how much he still loves you, and saying he's sorry he hurt you and begging you to take him back. But the rational part of you know in reality that's not going to happen, it's just comforting to know that there is hope even though it's 0.00001%. You're hoping for some kind of miracle to help you, divine intervention.

I personally would figure out CAN the relationship be worked out?, and do I WANT to be in this relationship? and finally is it worth the risk of getting hurt again if it doesn't? If I feel things can be worked out in the relationship, I would tell him how I feel and see if he's willing to give it another try. I'll let him know exactly WHY I would want to give another try and explain to him how we can work through the problems. If he has heard what I have to say, and decide he doesn't want to give our relationship another go, then I'll respect his decision and wish him the best. Then I would know for sure, that it is in fact over and I have nothing holding me back. I tried and have no regrets. I can start to grieve and get over it so I can open my heart so someone else when it's healed.

If you know the problems in the relationship can't be worked out. Then you have to take action to let yourself know that it's really over. Don't give yourself hope because it will just disappoint you and set you back in the grieving process. Perhaps it's best not to contact him because it will only make you miss him and think about him more. I know it's harder said than done but try because you know how much it hurts after seeing or talking to him again. You'll want more and you'll be subconsciously waiting for more.

Allow yourself to think about him, to cry, to come to terms of your relationship and focus on your life at the present. Your career, your family and friends. Do what you have to get over this hump. Watch some comedy, or go clubbing or shopping, whatever your routine is to heal a broken heart. The process is slow and painful but it will get better little by little. Take it one day at a time. Some days you'll feel like you're regressing but it will get better.

I started a diary to write down my feelings, it helps. I cursed the guy out in my diary and then write how much I wanted to be with him, then I'll cursed him out later again. LOL I'll focus on things that'll improve my life. Like exercising, focusing on my job, building better relationships with my friends, etc. I guess since one part of my life is messed up and I can't fix it now, I should focus on the things I can improve.

I wish you the best and hope you recover soon. I recommend surrounding yourself with people who are supportive, who can listen, and can make you laugh. It's not a bad idea to be by yourself either. You can start a class in yoga, or open up a gym membership or do volunteer work. *kiss* and *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:04pm

Belly_2004

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I know your story because i think we came to the board at the same time. It has been 21/2 months since my break up. I just feel bad for you because you see him, he still comes over, and he is with someone new....so there was no clean break for you. You are reminded daily that he is with someone else...and again..how could he be with someone else so quickly after the 7 years??? I know how hard it is..some days you feel you are over him, some you feel like it was the day it happened.

For your situation, I think you need to get out of there as soon as possible....you need to do this because he really doesnt have the right to know anything about you anymore...just as he is your drug..you are his..even though you guys are not together anymore..he happens to pop by...belly_2004...just think if YOU completely left..to ny..gave him no contact info..did not return his calls...he will be the one wondering where you are? who you are with what u r doing do you miss him...the list goes on...let him...he so easily left you and is with someone new...you need to have a life where u r not reminded of him daily..and he has no right to know what u r up to or how u r doing...........you are not going to feel better until u have absolutely no contact with him...you need to heal and start a life for yourself...trust me...once you dissappear...that means absonlutely nc...he will wonder if he made the right choice...the new girl wont look that great anymore..cause he does not have you pining away for him anymore...if he wants you he would find a way to be with you...but he is reminded of you everyday..how can he miss you? You are so right when you say they always come back..like a year later..but its tooo late..by that point we are moved on......

Maybe this is easy for me to say..because i had a longdistance relationship..and i my ex has not contacted me once...so it has helped in the healing..but i still fantasize he will call telling me he made a mistake..he wants me to move up to be with him...but then i make myself look at reality...even if he does call in the future...I dont want to be with someone who could leave me that easily...because they felt pressure..or whatever excuse they give....cause when is the next time they "just cant do this anymore" you dont need that either.....goodluck
Bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 9:19am

I agree with both of you. I am just waiting to hear if this company is going to offer me a position. I know I need to get out b/c you're right, everything here is a reminder and it really sucks.

When it comes to his new girl-- I definitely believe that he was emotionally detached already and that he has met her before he broke up with me. Maybe he wasn't dating her but that doesn't matter to me. I guess I just wish I saw that coming.
More that that though, it just makes me feel like what he had, the time we spent together was meaningless b/c he was able to move on so quickly.

Okay, no more sobbing from me, I'm going to have a good day today and no tears.
Yesterday was a little rough but today will be better.

Thanks for your words of wisdom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:44am

So does he not stop over yesterday evening. When he left Friday he said that he may stop over. Usually he'd do this mid morning before he goes to the gym etc so I made sure that I was out running errands until like 3pm. Sure enough does he not show up here around 5:00. My heart just stopped and I couldn't breath. I was just wishing he wouldnn't come in. I really don't know why I care b/c this break up is almost 2 1/2 months old and I know what a jerk he was to me, I know he's seeing someone new etc and I'm facing the reality that it's over.

I just can't stand to see him waltz in here so happy when he has to be able to read it all over my face and hear it in my voice that I'm not. He was obviously getting ready to go out for St Patricks day and asked if I was going out. I said no. I've just grown out of the whole going out getting drunk etc thing... I feel like I've grown up and my friends are not doing it either (besides that fact that their all married and some have kids). But then I feel like such a loser b/c he's going out and I'm sitting at home and he knows it. I went to dinner Fri night with a g/f and he knew it an asked how it was. I told him good (what am i supposed to say)I know he's just trying to make small talk but I'm not good at it anymore, I can't think of anything nice to say so I just give short answers. He asked about the jobs that I had applied for (b/c he must be real excited that I'm moving out of state). Again, I told him that I'm waiting to hear.
Now my cell phone isnn't working right now and he's all concerned b/c I should have a phone. I told him not to worry about it, it was my phone and me w/o it not him. I don't now why he cares. His response: Just b/c we're not together doesnt mean that I don't worry about you. UGH--now why did he have to go and say that?
When he was leaving he was hugging and kissing the dog and said goodbye to me and his brother (his brother lives here too) and me. I didn't say anything and he so he said it again. I said, bye. He then tells me that he'll stop over tomorrow to check on me. I of course tell him he doesn't need to. He continues with, well it's my place too. Yeah but you don't need to check on me. I'm fine w/o you!! See I can't even be nice, no wonder he doesn't want to be with me.

I don't know, I'm real sad today and can't wait for it to be over. I don't have any plans so that just makes it worse. I'm going to just watch the shows I've got recorded on the tv and maybe read my book and cuddle with the dog. I've said a zillion prayers that he not stop over today b/c I might have a breakdown in front of him and I don't want to do that. All of you, please says prayers too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:53am

Belly_2004 you can do it. I know it hurts so much, I'm going through a confusing breakup as well. Stay strong. I'm on my first day of NC and I am going to keep busy and watch lots of movies and do the laundry, etc.

You can do it! One day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:17am

I guess it just stinks b/c he's happy and moving on and I'm just not.
I'm trying to and yeah I have mostly good days but then even on those days I'm checking my phone to see if he's called (even though I'm probably not going to answer it)
I just wish he had sat down with me with he started feeling this way and talked to me to see if it was anything that we could fix or not. I invested my entire self in him and he just walked away w/o barely saying goodbye.

If this job calls and offers me this position, I'll be moving 7 hr back to NY and willnever see him again. He doesn't really seem to care. It's so hard b/c I would not have given up if he hadn't left... I would have tried and tried and tried. I know i'm taling in circles b/c sometimes I'm saying what a jerk he was and others I'm saying that I'd stay. He wasn't always a jerk and we did have good times and that's hard to forget. I don't want him making anyone else happy when he didn't even try to make me happy.

I don't know, maybe it just wasn't meant to be and God sent me here to learn a lesson. Maybe that special someone is in NY waiting for me. I'm 34 yrs old and am not a bar fly anymore (even though I'm single), most of my friends are married so are not going to be going out with me. I'm just not sure where I'll find that special someone. I'm afraid I'll be alone forever and know I deserve more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 5:04pm

Belly_2004...

It must be so hard seeing him all the time..especially you living with his brother!! What a constant reminder...I posted to you a few days ago..you dont know how he is going to react when you leave..him having you there..he pops in whenever he wants to..he really has not let go of you yet...if you move and cut off all contact..he will really feel what it feels like with you out of his life..right now you are still available to him..he does not have to miss you!! You see what kind of person he is anyway..so it does not matter how he feels when you are gone!! Just wait... he has his new girl..yet he can have his fix of seeing you whenever he wants!! when u leave, and have zero contact, only then will he truly see how his life is without you...

I know how you feel about going out to the bars..i dont go out anymore..i dont have that urge..so its hard..i would rather stay home and watch movies...and i feel sometimes like...am i going to be alone forever? I am 31..i dont feel like going out all night and being hungover the next day..yet on the same hand..i sit at home during the weekend and feel like i will never meet anyone not going out....i hate it..i have a few good friends in the city ilive in...but most of my friends live like 2 hours away in another city..those are the single ones...i dont have the energy to drive up there constantly just to go out!!! to much energy...so i know how you feel....trust me....

I guess just one day at a time..and realize that you will meet someone who is right for you..because if he was right for you.."the one" he would not have left you......you will find someone who does not want to let you go...hang in there and try to have a great Sunday!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 5:50pm
thanks Bella, it's nite to know someone is in my boat too.
I agree with everything you're saying.
We'll see and I'll keep you all posted on what happens. I tend to be here a lot
venting and just writing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:01am

So I'm sitting here reading this thread and I'm honestly surprised (shocked, more like it) that the only place being talked about meeting people is in a bar. Rarely does one meet a great and terrific mate in a bar. There *are* great and terrific people that go to bars (I'm one of them), however, they're typically not there looking for their next great relationship ;)

Ok, since everyone seems to be in a rut about where to meet people, I will share where I've gone to meet people :)

1. Concerts. I love music, especially live music, and I would love it if whomever becomes a special someone to me would also enjoy live music, so where better to find someone like that than at, you guessed it, a live music venue.

2. Museums. Art is important to me. Looking at it, making it, learning from it, enjoying it. I like art, and I'd really enjoy it if my next great partner would also enjoy it, so chances are, he may be wandering around a museum looking at a great Warhol print :) The main museum here has a mixer night once a month where they serve drinks, h'ors d'oeuvres and exhibit local artists. Not for everyone, but then again, the one *for me* might enjoy it, and maybe he's there :)

3. Festivals. Music, art, craft, whatever. You name it, I like it. I would personally love it if my next terrific date would enjoy being oudoors, surrounded by people having a relaxed good time. Easier to find one like that who is *already* there.

4. Wine tastings. More intimate than bars, less crowded and noisy, but the idea is the same: have a drink and enjoy conversation and a good time with someone. Plus, the folks who go to wine tastings typically aren't going to be the type to get publicly drunk or otherwise inebriated or out of control. The guy who is looking to get fall-down drunk with his buddies or rope random strangers in a crowd isn't typically going to be in the same place as the guy looking to stock his wine cellar with a nice Shiraz.

5. Seminars. Typically, guys who have some kind of control over their lives, who have got it somewhat together, are going to hang out in seminars, getting the lowdown on how to improve or further improve their lives or careers. Aimless guys who haven't got a clue and are on cruise control through life aren't going to hang out with Tony Robbins or at some other enrichment or professional seminars.

6. Bookstores. You know, I'm pretty well-educated. I like to open my mind to new ideas and find that a lot of great information comes to me from books. I love to be able to discuss and banter back and forth about ideas with a special guy, and wouldn't it be great to be able to discuss what we each thought of the last books we each read, and shared that with each other?

7. Sports events. I love live baseball. I love football live or on TV. I don't like basketball so much, but I do enjoy it live. Instead of sittng home watchin football on the tube, I'll go to a small neighborhood place that I feel comfortable in and enjoy the game and sometimes some good-natured rivalry or comraderie with the folks there. Some of them are guys (shocking) Or, I'll go to a game with some friends. Or, sometimes, I even go by myself. Why? Because I love a great hot dog and a cold beer, that's why. Either way, it's all a good time because I'm doing something I already enjoy.

8. Drum circles. Ok, I know this one isn't for everyone, but what I'm getting at here is that there are unique things about each of us that make us different from each other, and one thing I like to do is be around other open-minded and laid-back people. It's easier to find them where they already are.

Is the pattern starting to emerge? I hope so. What I'm getting at is THINK about the person you want to have in your life, what kind of qualities, values, interests *might* he or she possess? Write them out, similar to what I've done here and then go *find them where they are* Ths doesn't "jerk-proof" your dating candidates, but it does up the chances of running into a more compatible person somewhat. You're probably not going to find a great guy at the spa, unless you want him to do your hair ;) you're not going to find him in a knitting circle, or a women's support group, you're not going to find her (or maybe you will) at the shooting range or the batting cages. You're going to find that great person where he or she already IS. Align yourself with your wants, needs, and desires, and then act on them.

Best of luck, I hope this gave everyone some ideas on where and how to start looking for their own Mr. or Ms. Right.

~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do




Edited 3/19/2007 2:13 am ET by cl-i_b_sandradee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 8:00am

Great suggestions --

My ex and I always went to live concerts together -- jam bands & blues mainly. The trouble is, we live in a small enough area that we will run into each other at those events. I wouldn't want to go alone and none of my girlfriends are into that kind of music -- last thing I want to do is go alone and run into Him with a new squeeze . . .

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