It's over no matter what
Find a Conversation
It's over no matter what
| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 5:07pm |
Okay so you've all heard my story a zillion times.
Well I know it's over and so days I'm okay with it and some days I'm not. It think more if it is b/c I just can't get used to him not being in my life, not that he's not my b/f anymore. He barely acted like a b/f anyhow. I haven't seen him in about 2 1/2-3 wks now but he's called and we've had 5 min conversations here and there. There aren't really conversations but more of stupid stuff he's calling for.
I got out of work early today and he's supposed to be working 3p-11p. As I was sitting at the computer he showed up at the apt to get stuff for the gym. He has stuff at our apt b/c I'm moving back to NY when I get a new job so he's been staying at a friends house.
Anyhow, I try hard not to be mean and snotty b/c it just makes me more miserable but when he was trying to talk to me and be nice I could barely say anything. I was real short and only answered what he asked etc. Now I'm all sad and crying and wish he never showed up. I don't know why I'm crying b/c it's not like I don't know it's over and he's already seeing someone new after 2 1/2 mths (he was seeing her 2 wks after we broke up)
I guess maybe it's b/c I know that if I get this job I've interviewed for, I know that I'll be leaving and I won't see him anymore. That's it and it's final and he could care less. How can you be a part of someones life for 7 yrs and just walk away as if they are just an acquaintance you met sitting at the table next to you at dinner one night.
Maybe it's a guy thing or maybe I'm just stupid, I don't know (probably a little of both). I don't expect to just be over him just like that b/c that's just not how I operate and I have to admit I don't have too many crying breakdown days now. But I do still think about him and wish that he'd just call me and tell me he screwed up and please don't leave and go back to NY. I know it won't happen and it's normal for me to feel this way but how come they never do... let me take that back... they do but not until 1yr or so later when you've moved on. I just want to blink all my sadness away. I see all of these happy couples out there and wonder-- why not me?
Well I know it's over and so days I'm okay with it and some days I'm not. It think more if it is b/c I just can't get used to him not being in my life, not that he's not my b/f anymore. He barely acted like a b/f anyhow. I haven't seen him in about 2 1/2-3 wks now but he's called and we've had 5 min conversations here and there. There aren't really conversations but more of stupid stuff he's calling for.
I got out of work early today and he's supposed to be working 3p-11p. As I was sitting at the computer he showed up at the apt to get stuff for the gym. He has stuff at our apt b/c I'm moving back to NY when I get a new job so he's been staying at a friends house.
Anyhow, I try hard not to be mean and snotty b/c it just makes me more miserable but when he was trying to talk to me and be nice I could barely say anything. I was real short and only answered what he asked etc. Now I'm all sad and crying and wish he never showed up. I don't know why I'm crying b/c it's not like I don't know it's over and he's already seeing someone new after 2 1/2 mths (he was seeing her 2 wks after we broke up)
I guess maybe it's b/c I know that if I get this job I've interviewed for, I know that I'll be leaving and I won't see him anymore. That's it and it's final and he could care less. How can you be a part of someones life for 7 yrs and just walk away as if they are just an acquaintance you met sitting at the table next to you at dinner one night.
Maybe it's a guy thing or maybe I'm just stupid, I don't know (probably a little of both). I don't expect to just be over him just like that b/c that's just not how I operate and I have to admit I don't have too many crying breakdown days now. But I do still think about him and wish that he'd just call me and tell me he screwed up and please don't leave and go back to NY. I know it won't happen and it's normal for me to feel this way but how come they never do... let me take that back... they do but not until 1yr or so later when you've moved on. I just want to blink all my sadness away. I see all of these happy couples out there and wonder-- why not me?

Pages
Reality is setting in now and it is really horrible.
Like I said, I'm just waiting for the go ahead from this lady in NY to offer me a job and I'm going to give my 2 wk notice and move back to NY. I am horrifically sad about the situation b/c I guess deep down I wanted him to stop me from going. I knew he wouldn't but I was hoping. Well my cell phone was broken for about a week and I just got it fixed Tues, so he hadn't been able to call me (although he did stop over Fri and Sat and see his brother and I was here, even if it was only for a few minutes) Tues he called me before he went to work that night and I didn't answer. I figured he just wanted to make sure my phone worked and do that same 'ol checking as he always does (are you okay, how's the dog stuff) Wed he calls me 2x, the first time I didn't answer but I did the 2nd. Tues night I had actually packed some of my stuff up and put it in bins and they're stacked in the bedroom. well he stopped over when I was at work Wed and saw that had been done. So that was what he was calling me for Wed. He thought that I was just leaving w/o saying goodbye and he said he'd like to be here to help me and say good bye to the dog b/c he'll probably never see her again. I said nope you're probably right.
I was devastated b/c he's worried about not seeing the dog...what about me? He just spent 7 yrs of his life talking to me a zillion times a day and lived with me for 4 and he could care less about me. I was hoping that by seeing my stuff that it'd be a slap in the face and maybe a little wake up call but it wasn't.
He didn't call me before he went into work Wed night but he called his brother b/c I heard them talking about what they're gonna do when the lease is up in Sept etc. Man just can't wait until I'm out huh.
I called my friend Gabrielle and she talked to me until midnight. I hope this gets easier when I move. I'm afraid that I'll be the one who always thinks that he was the one and he just let me walk away and that's it.
belly, hang in there! i know every day is hard, believe me. i totally destroyed my no contact policy and today is my day to start over.
there is someone out there for you who has the qualities that you are looking for.
every time i think of the ex i think to myself "he is NOT allowed. he ended the relationship, for whatever reason, so he is not allowed. he is not allowed to mess with my emotions, he is not allowed to be my friend. he is not allowed to have me when it is convienient for him. stay strong. i deserve better." i do this every time i want to pick up that phone and dial or email or something.
i'm going to make a lil business card that i can carry around with me, so in case i run into at work i can think it or at least look at it, so i don't do something to set me back.
i know exactly how you feel. after 5 yrs the same thing pretty much happened to me, only he keeps saying he's not ready to commit and wants to be single and alone. i spent most of the night calling girlfriends too.
email me if you need someone.
Pages