It's over...Now what?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
It's over...Now what?????
11
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 1:31pm
My three year engagement came to an end on August 23, 2004. My ex had began seeing someone else and I found him at her house....the first three weeks we talked every day. We were talking about working things out and then he decided he needed some space. So we didn't talk for a few days, then he emails me yesterday (my birthday) and informs me that he thinks we should "go our seperate ways" and that "too much has happened" and that this way I "don't have to wait for him". I'm so confused and mad. When I asked him what had happened in two days for him to suddenly decide what it is that he wants his only answer is "I don't know". He was going to come here yesterday because there were some things that I had wanted to tell him. He asked me to email them to him instead. So I did...I told him exactly what I had planned on telling him. That I thought if he and I were both willing to work on the relationship that I honestly thought we would be able to work things out. And that I wanted to be able to trust him again. He tells me that this other girl had nothing to do with his decision. That he hasn't spoken to her since Monday (09/13). I would just like to know what he based his decision on. Did he just decide to take the "easy" way out? This way he doesn't have to deal with working on the relationship??? How is it that they can just go on and act like life is fine? I haven't slept through the night since this happened. I hardly have an appetite. My mother forces me to eat. The hardest part is that he lived here with me and my parents (he doesn't have much of a home life). And everytime I walk into our bedroom I feel like I can't breathe. I can't stand the fact that he's not lying right there beside me at night. I feel actual PHYSICAL pain at night. I don't know what to do. Do I say anything? By the way, he never responded to my emails. But I know that he read them and didn't delete them...I checked his email....Do I just accept this and hope to God that he wakes up one day and realzes what he threw away??? HELP!!!!!!!!!!

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anonymous user
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 6:20pm
Now what? Well.....lots of pain, hurt, and healing. I'm very glad you have your mom with you to help look out for you right now. Sometimes the pain can be so bad that taking care of ourselves is a very low priority. I'm very confused about your guy....and I know you're off-the wall confused. He doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. Maybe he'll figure it out. Only YOU can decide what you are willing to do. Are you willing to wait around in the corner til he figures it out....however long that takes? Are you willing to stay in limbo, and stay in pain, for however long that takes?

Reading his e-mail is a big no-no. Not only for the obvious reason ( not legal), but because it's gonna cause YOU pain. I read my ex's e-mail for 2 months while he was away in New Zealand (he broke up with me when he came back). He didn't know I read it, and still doesn't, but I told him to change his passwords. And he did. and as much I want to know who is e-mailing him, and if he's met someone, it's better that I don't. Get your guy to change his password. It's the best thing for YOU. And right now, it doesn't sound like this guy has treated you well at all......he cheated, didn't he? He won't give you straight answers about anything from the sounds of it. I know it's hard....3 year engagement.....long time.

Anyway to change your bedroom to another room? Get a new bed, redecorate? Basically kinda change everything so that it doesn't remind you of him? I physically NEED to move out of my apartment, and will be able to in a couple of months....that's gonna be a great healing event in my life. Too many memories in this ol' apartment for me to handle.

Maybe one day he'll "wake up". It's up to you to decide what to do in the meantime. You can hold on, and probably be miserable, or you can allow the healing process to begin and allow yourself to grieve. Allowing yourself to move on doesn't mean that one day you can't be with him....it just means that right now, when everything he is saying/doing says that he doesn't want to be with you, you can live for yourself, and try to get your own life on the go.

I'm sending lots of virtual hugs to you. Let you mom feed you, it's really important right now. I know how much you hurt. It's gonna take lots of time and there'll be lots of ups and downs, but you'll make it.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:36am
I don't think that he knows what he wants either. I went out with a friend last night (dinner and a movie). I had fun. But, as soon as I walked through the front door it was like "HELLO REALITY". Reality being that he's not here. And I want to know where he was last night and who he was with. I want to know if he's thinking about me. If he misses me. I told him, last Monday, that I had no problem with giving him space for him to figure out what he wants. BUT, that I would not wait on him if he was using "needing space" as a ploy to see if the "grass is greener on the other side", so to speak. Kinda like "well, I'll tell her that I need space and I'll just wait and see if things work out with the other girl...and if not, then I'll go back to Shannon (me)." Does that make sense? I didn't give him an ultimatum. I just told him, truthfully, what I would and would not tolerate. Was that wrong?

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anonymous user
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:55am
Good for you to stand up for yourself. HOnestly...I think he's put you on the back burner, just in case he doesn't find what he is looking for out there. Take the first step...cut the strings, let him go. Move on. Become a better person. And if he comes back, you'll be in a different place. Maybe you'll start over with him, but maybe you be at a point in your life where you don't want him anymore. Life is full of so many "maybes".....just go with what you know right now....and that you're not with him, he's treating you very badly, and you deserve better. I know it's scary. But you'll get through it. Right now I have to go and play with my ferret cause he feels neglected....it's agreat thing to have a pet around....most of the time!!

Take care Shannon,

hugs,

karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 1:43pm
I hate "maybe". Makes me want to scream. I'm going out again this evening. It helps to take my mind off of what is going on...even if it is only for a little while. I was sitting in my room and I wanted to call him so bad so I just jumped on here. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's hard. I'm planning on redecorating the bedroom we shared. I'm hoping that changing the way it looks may help some. I have some of his mail here. He still hasn't done a change of address. I'm thinking of just mailing them to him then going to the post office and stopping anymore mail from coming here.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 4:14pm
I hate "maybe" too. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he'll change his mind, maybe someday. When I hear "maybe" now I mentally translate it to "never" right away. It's the only for me. Glad to hear you're redecorating your room. It'll help. It'll keep you busy, and it will help to reclaim the space as yours. Good that you're going out. Keeping busy is good for your soul right now. Take care,

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:49pm
Oh sweetie--I can so relate to what you're going through! When my engagement ended it felt like I was the walking dead--couldn't eat, couldn't sleep--just numb at best and aching inside at worst. Like you, I was hoping my ex would come to his senses. I recently read this article on www.marsvenus.com comparing what we go through during a breakup to the 5 stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance). It made me realize that by holding on to hope with my ex--and not getting angry with him--I was delaying my healing process. Maybe he will get a grip and realize what a huge mistake he has made. But you need to work through your grief, heal and become whole again. Whatever happens, I wish you the very best outcome for you. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:19pm
Welcome to the board!! I know this break-up is tough on you...especially the way the relationship ended....but you have to find a way to get past this. I know it hurts now....but you *Will* be ok and you *Will* get through this and we're here to help. It doesn't matter why he made the decision he did....(although I can't help but feel it has something to do with someone else)....but this was his descion and there is nothing you can do to change it. I do find that it was very insensitive for him to e-mail you that on your b-day....he could have waited at least until the next day. First of all......I know how tempting it is to read your ex's e-mail but you really need to try to force yourself to stop....it's only going to torture you more...especially if he starts e-mailing with new people. I highly suggest having no contact with him and give yourself some time to heal. Try and stay as busy as you can....talk with family and friends....go do stuff with them, do housework, exercise, take up a new hobby....anything that keeps you busy so you have less time to dwell on the situation. You can post on here as often as you like and we'll try our best to help. (((Hugs))) Good luck and keep us posted!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 5:08pm
I'm not sure why he made the decision either....he says that he doesn't even know. I talked to him yesterday (very briefly). I took him his mail (it still comes here) and told him that I'm going to post office and putting a stop on his mail so it stops coming here. I asked why he made the choice he had, and he said "I don't know". He had previously told me that there was no one else involved in this decision. That he hasn't talked to her in a week. It's just to say hard...tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since I found out and he left. I can't belive it's been that long...I guess 4 weeks isn't a long time, but it just feels like it's been an eternity...........

I'm trying to stay busy. I have physical therapy 3 times a week, and I have been going out and trying to have some fun. Been spending a lot of time with my family. They have been so wonderful. Amazingly, no one has bad mouthed him...which I really appreciate cause I just know that I would jump in and defend him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:00pm
I'm experiencing a similar problem. My bf of 2 1/2 yrs. 5month engagement decided that he needs time and space. We have tried working things out for the past three weeks but just a few hours ago he said he needed to be alone. He can't explain why - he just feels that he needs to do what he REALLY wants and not have to give any explanations. The break up was so sad. He asked me to stay just a few more hours but I couldn't keep torturing myself.

It's so incredibly painful. Like you, I hope that we meet again. I hope that he'll pick up his phone and dial my number and say that he's sorry and wants to try just one more time.

I opened up to him completely. I told him exactly how I felt about him, how much I thought we still had a chace to save our relationship - I mentioned how I'm willing to understand what he's asking for and see the positive side of being independent but those things didn't change his mind. I'm hoping that in a few weeks of being alone he'll realize how important our relationship is/was and much love I had to offer him. But again, these are just fantasies that make the healing process difficult.

I want to stop crying - I want to stop missing him - I feel so stuck. = _ \

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:46pm
Hi Girls,

First of all, I am so so sorry about both of your broken engagements. Remember that this is the worst time and that it WILL GET BETTER. I am sitting here right now in the middle of a HUGE fight w/ my live in boyfriend. He told me yesterday in the middle of a huge argument that he is no longer in love with me. I feel like my insides were torn out. I don't know if it was said in anger (I said some terrible things as well), but I do know that it is unforgivable. I told him to leave, to find someplace else to live.

I have been crying for 2 days, but today I went out and just thought about the situation. I know that one day he will be so sorry about this, and I won't even care anymore. Remember that women are inherintly stronger than men and that this too shall pass.

Sending out lots of hugs,

Luna

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