Its really over

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Its really over
37
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:41pm

Hi Everyone,

Well, we finally did what I had been contemplating for months. My boyfriend and I broke-up. It was a good break-up (if there can ever be such a thing) We talked for hours and honestly talked about our relationship. We ended in good terms which I am glad about, but it does not make it any easier. I really loved this man, but we wanted different things out of life. We had been together for 4 years and I was more than ready for a commitment. He could not give that to me, and was unsure he could give it to anyone. His priority was not our relationship, but working and maintaining a certain lifestyle as well as his independence and freedom. So, I know in my heart that this was the right thing to do. I harbor no illusions of reconciliation ( we already had broken-up once before) because there is just no remedy to this unless one of us changes and I don't think neither he nor I should give-up what we want out of life or who we are. I am at peace with my decision, but I am still overwhelmed with sadness. I miss him very much, his presence, the routine of being part of a couple. Its been difficult adjusting. I am also feeling very lovelorn- you know, the all too common feeling that I will never meet somebody, that I will never love anyone again, etc. I know it is normal to feel these things and I am letting myself feel them because I know there is no way to get to the other side but to push through the pain. Still, its hard. I run the gamut of emotions- sadness, anger, etc. Lately, I have been feeling angry, a real hatred for the part of him that makes him a commitmentphobe scared of intimacy, opening up, and love. I guess its because this is the part of him that makes our relationship impossible. I understand it and I am letting myself feel it for now, but I won't let it make me bitter. And there is pain in the realization that he will date other people and have other girlfriends, most likely before me. It really hurts that he will look at someone else the way he used to look at me, that I no longer have claim to his attentions. Its futile to think about it because nothing can be done. Even if I knew the exact moment he was going to be with someone else, what could I do? I need to accept that fact of life. Its a hard pill to swallow.

My life since we broke-up (about 3 weeks ago) has been going okay. I continue to go to work and just live my life. I have been seeing my friends and family (who I love for being so supportive!) and spending time with myself (which I have always loved) doing the things I enjoy. I don't feel lonely, though sometimes I do feel alone in my pain (though I know I am not) I still take care of myself by continuing to go to the gym (I have more time to do it now!) eating well, and writing in my journal. Working out makes me feel so strong and good and I refuse to fall into the excesses of depression by overeating, overdrinking, etc. I need to take care of myself because that will contribute to my mood. Aside from this huge change, there are also other big changes (all good) in the horizon. I am starting Grad school in the fall for a Master's in Education and don't mind me saying that I am proud to have been accepted into the #2 school in the country for education:) I feel so happy about this! I'll be moving and quitting my job soon, so all of that is an added adjustment. I am proud of my accomplishments and am taking strength in them. I just miss not being able to share this with him, but life goes on right? Each day that I don't call him, each day that makes the day we broke-up move farther and farther away, is a blessing. Yes, that sappy thing he said is true (every ending is a new beginning) I have a fresh new start to my life. Ending a relationship where my needs were not being met, that towards its end was making me miserable is a blessing. I hope that there is a very good reason for me to endure this pain. That there really is a reason for everything that happens. Thanks for listening to me. I appreciate all your support:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:22pm
I'm so sorry for your pain, but what a terrific place to be on the inside!

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:30pm

Hi izzy:

Good for you! You SHOULD be so proud of yourself. You sound like an awesome young woman and I can only tell you that everything in life happens for a reason. Perhaps the man of your future will be someone at university. Who knows? If you were born in 1979 that makes you about 27...my youngest daughter was born in 1980 and she'll be 26 later this year. I'm sure your family and friends are very proud of you, too.

As for your breakup and your feelings...you've handled things in the most mature way and I'm in awe of your ability to do this so gracefully. Of course, you'll go through all the ups and downs emotionally and it isn't easy...it never is...but you have a good handle on it all and you're doing all of the correct things to get yourself through this valley. God will continue to give you the grace to come through this situation. My prayers are with you now and for your future happiness.

Mary-Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:00am

Dear Sandra and Mary-Anne,

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! They brought tears to my eyes. I am trying my best to be dignified so that I can feel proud of myself when I look back on how I handled this. I am trying to be strong, but as you said, I have my ups and downs. I heard a song today that really spoke to me. It said "bless your sweet mistakes, they brought you to this place." So maybe this is the place where I am supposed to be at this moment in my life. I have to find a meaning and a reason for this.

I guess I find it very hard because he was my first real boyfriend and I began dating him when I was young (22) Now I realize that my inexperience and youth made me overlook or ignore clear red flags. I did not mention this before, but my ex is 11 years older than I am. Now, at 27, I can see how a 34 year old man who never dated anyone more than 6 months and only dated younger women "who did not want anything" spelled trouble. After all those years of frustrations, I realized that a 38 year old man who is "too busy" to work on a relationship, who has never told a woman he loves her, and who is not even sure what "that" (love) is, has issues that are beyond my control and which are not for me to fix. I am wiser for it and realize that as Maya Angelou said I need to "Listen to a man when he tells you who he is." He was always telling me he was afraid of intimacy and commitment, I just refused to listen. I am glad that I finally listened before it was really too late. Thanks again for your support:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 4:24am

WOW!! You're only 27 years old and already this emotionally mature!!! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!! You are WAY ahead of the game. Resist the temptation to call or see him, push ahead with your life and find someone that deserves you. I'm almost 40 and I can't believe I let jerks that I've met over the years have any of my energy at all, or treat me the way they did. Not one more ounce of me is going to go to them! I am worth more than any of what I have accepted, and so are you. I can't tell you what a rare person you are, and worth any man putting his life and courage on the line for. Please don't forget that, and then expect it of the men you encounter. As one older man told me years ago, and it took all this time to sink in, "if a man doesn't treat you special, waste no time kicking him to the curb". Real men may be rare today but don't accept bad behaviour in order to get one. You are an INCREDIBLE woman and I hope you will not waste any more time on those men that don't recognize it right off the bat.

All my best to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 8:14am

Hi furboisme:

I have a question and I hope you don't mind me posting it on izzy's thread here.

I don't have the time to go into the whole story right now, but the bare facts are I've been in a relationship now for 9 months with a man who does tell me, all the time, how much he loves me, how much he admires me...he makes me feel worthy of all that life has to offer. But, he's going through extreme stresses in his life (career military), recovering (through therapy) from a bad marriage, and sits me down regularly to tell me where he is emotionally. He says that he can't commit, right now, to long term (we were in the past), and that he's giving everything he can right now to the relationship. He's honest when he says he gets negative gut feelings sometimes (scared - my opinion) and that causes him to pull away. Then we have no communication for about a month or so until he calls and apologizes and asks to see me again. I do not contact him when he does this as I feel he needs to be the one to initiate the contact..and he does. He's not angry with me or anything like that. He just needs space and time to deal with his stress load (which should improve in August with a better posting) and emotional issues.

I guess my question is: do I hang on and hope he gets passed all of this 'stuff' or do I move on? I love this man and I know without a shadow of a doubt he loves me...we are good together. My friends and family (all my kids, my Dad) think the world of him but they, too, are confused by him and don't know what to tell me. By the way - just so you know, we are in our early 50's, have both been through two marriages, so it's a scary thing to contemplate yet another one.

I'll watch for your answer and thank you.

Izzy: I apologize for taking up space on your thread, dear, but furboisme came across as so wise in her counsel to you, that I couldn't help but ask her opinion of my own dilemma. How are you doing today? Did you do anything to pamper yourself? Stay strong -don't give in to calling him. You will make it through this day - JUST FINE, dear. You are stronger than you think. Hold your head up high - you are WOMAN! You can do this, little one! :)

Mary-Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:03am

WOW, You really are an inspiration to me, I'm going through a really messy break-up and feel like dirt; So it really helps to see someone dealing with it so well.

Good for you! You are definetly stronger than a lot of people I know, and certainly stronger than me.

Hang in there, cause you're doing great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:14pm

Hi everyone,

I am doing okay at the moment, Thanks for asking:) I wrote in my journal last night and that felt good. It also did me good to write on the board. Everyone has been so supportive and wonderful! I am seeing my counselor today. It has been really great to have someone like her, who has been there through the whole relationship and who has a different perspective, as a sounding board. As always, some days are harder than others. Today, I am okay. I think I will treat myself to a facial (never had one!) sometime soon. I am really craving a donut, but I'm eating a banana instead;) I'll go visit my family this week-end (they always lift my mood and get me out of my head) and maybe do a bit of retail therapy with my best friend. I have lots of things to do in the next few months, I am happy for this because it keeps me busy and keeps thoughts of him away from my head. I like to think that even though I feel farway from finding real love, I really am closer, because I was farther away while I was still in that relationship. Anyways, the last time we broke-up, I caved in and called him after 3 weeks. Not gonna happen this time! Don't expect him to call and I won't call him. As far as I am concerned, no matter how good of a guy he was, he is out of my life forever. By breaking-up with me he basically said, "No thanks, I'd rather live my life without you. " I want someone who is crazy about me and can't live without me. To talk to him, to be his friend, would be torture and make me feel like I was holding on to the past. I have to let go.

Mary-Anne, I hope that your problems with you current beau's ambivalance are resolved and that he realizes what a great gal you are (you sound fabulous!) Sometimes it takes men time to decide what they want, but I guess I would tell you not too wait too long. I kept waiting and waiting for a man that was never going to be ready. Find out which one your beau is. In any case, you are all awesome! I'm so glad we can help each other through our rough times. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 11:35pm

Hi there...

I'm glad today was a good day for you and that you are making so many plans. Even thinking about those things helps, doesn't it? It gives your mind something positive to focus on. I try to do that, too. For the last week I've been planning a wine and cheese party for my gf's. Tonight was the night and we had a great time. Unfortunately, a couple of my closer friends were away on vacation and couldn't attend. But the days leading up to the party were consumed with cleaning the house, planning the food and the drinks, etc. Great fun and I've kept myself occupied.

Unfortunately, as the weekend draws closer I start to stress over whether or not Brian will call. I'm not enjoying weekends much these days even though I keep busy. I have a beautiful 28 foot trailer parked at a lovely campground that I usually go to for at least one night during the weekend. Sunday afternoon's I spend with friends, swimming in their pool and just hanging out with them...they're more like family. Saturday morning my Dad and I go for breakfast together but this Saturday it'll be with a big group from our church. Should be fun. Saturday night at the campground I'll be with all of my friends there...I've been there for 6 years now. And that's my weekend. The only trouble is - I'll hoping that Brian will call ask me to come to Trenton or tell me he's coming to Brockville. :( These days I prefer the weekdays because I'm busy with my clients and don't have as much time to think.

Thank you for your uplifting words ... coming from someone your age, that's a wonderful compliment...thank you.

Don't stop writing to us....I'm enjoying the contact with you and your insightfulness into relationships is refreshing. You remind me of my daughter, Tara-Lynne...you seem to have the same aura of wiseness about you.

Tomorrow is Thursday...a hot and humid one here in Eastern Ontario but at least the sun will shine. I have a full day booked tomorrow for work (for which I'm very grateful!), and plans for the evening with my Dad (for dinner) and with a gf for coffee afterwards. Then home to my very clean house :) to answer some of my emails! Take care and enjoy your day tomorrow. Chin up - smile brightly - you are WONDERFUL!

Mary-Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 2:47pm

Hey Mary-Anne,

Thanks for your kind words. I am enjoying writing on the board. I find it to be very thereputic. Today is another okay day. I had a dream about him last night and I woke-up feeling a bit disturbed, but nonetheless I got up and here I am at work. We are having our annual department staff day which promises to be fun:) Its very hot here (Los Angeles) but it should still be enjoyable. I caved in today...and had a donut;) The little indulgences in life make it worth living right? And this is the time when spoiling myself, even in such a small way, is deserved. Anyways, so far this week I have jogged, gone spinning and taken a step class. Today I have weights then another step class on Friday. I love to work out! It makes me feel so strong and good about myself. Anyways, I worked hard to get to a healthy weight (I lost 60 pounds 4 years ago) and its important for me to continue to take care of myself. I like to think that if I can lose all that weight through sheer discipline and hard work I can get over this relationship as well. Women can do anything!

You sound like you have such a full life! Its so wonderful to have plans, friends and family to share your time with. But I understand what you are saying, even with everything one has going on, its still so hard not to think of that person. I always had problems getting my ex to call me back. He hated talking on the phone, and I understood this, but all I asked for was a quick hello. After 4 years, he still would not call me every day or even every other day. He would sometimes end our calls with "Thanks" What the hell was that? I told him I was tired of feeling like his business associate, that even if he was around others (always his excuse) he could say something a little more personal. I had to call him and I got sick of waiting around for him. I stopped calling and you know what? The calls became even less frequent. I realized that like every other aspect of our relationship, I was the one doing all the work. He wanted to do everything his way and would not even adjust something just because he knew it would make me happy. What else is there to say really? A man who won't compromise even something so small to make his companion happy is not interested in anything but his own happiness. He wanted a companion and not a partner. Anyways, my mom always said its the man who should be calling and pursuing. He should be crazy about you:)

Looking back at it, I guess as women we are conditioned to nurture and make others happy. Many times I felt afraid to voice my concerns/needs because I was afraid he would get upset, so I made myself think I was okay with it and even happy. Not true and definately not okay. Whats the worst that can happen? He gets mad or he leaves and if he does, he never really cared about you. So I guess what I am saying is that you should continue to live your wonderful life and try to forget about him calling (its hard, I know!) If he calls, great. If not, its his loss. You sound like such a great person and you should never feel like he only comes to you when he needs something. I think all women want a partner who is always there. A man once told me that he was teaching his daughters to love themselves and give their love only to men who deserved it. He was saddened at how many women gave their love to undeserving men. So true, I did that with my ex, thinking, if I just love him enough, he will change and realize he loves me. Not so. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I hope it helps me to assert my needs and give my love to someone who deserves it. If not, just kick him to the curb;) Take care. Hope to hear from you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
In reply to: izzy1979
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 5:50pm

Thank you for that wonderful email, Izzy. You are SO right and I thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm only home for a break but I'll be answering your letter later tonight. Busy busy day!....off to dinner with my Dad and then coffee with a new gf.

Take care.

Mary-Anne

P.S. May I ask what your first name is please?

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