It's really over

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
It's really over
6
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 1:36pm
My boyfriend of 9 months had been acting different the last few weeks now that I look back. I had been staying with him for the last week and I left his place Friday morning to come back home. I had tried to get him to talk while I was there & he kept saying "everythings fine." But then Saturday morning I got a call from him. He had been up all night & kept saying he dosn't know what he wants. He loves me & that scares him. He needs me & that makes him feel vulnerable & and scares him more. He is really screwed up right now & I do understand that. He is just going through the motions of life right now & dosn't know what he wants or how to deal with his fears. We talked for 2 hours - he wanted to scale things back - didn't want to break up. These past few days have been so hard - I feel like we are in limbo. So last night I told him we needed to solve this once and for all. In my opinion, if he loved me as much as he claimed then that should be enough for him and we would battle his fears together. I reminded him of some of the things he has said to me lately that have been out of line & I know his way of trying to guard himself. That snapped him - he knows he hasn't been fair to me & so he said that is it he just isn't ready for a relationship right now.
I don't think he took enough time between the split with his ex wife & our relationship. He never fully dealt with it. But I also know that he has been the one that instigated taking our relationship to the serrious level that it had gotten to. There are three kids involed between us & I was 2 months away from moving in with him. He had already started taking some of my things to his place. One week ago we were up till 3am as he kept talking about how he couldn't wait for the move & how happy & excited he was. Now this????? It makes no sense.
I love him & I am loyal to a fault. I want to stand by him & I don't want to let him go. But I have no quarentees that he is coming back & I feel like I have been a fool at this point. As of last night it was over. This morning he forwarded me the e-mails I had requested yesterday with our pictures from a trip down south we took a few months ago. I had asked him to forward the e-mails because I didn't have them anymore. But other then those & a "joke" e-mail he forwarded me I have not heard from him so he is obviously serrious about this. At some point we will have to do the exchange of the stuff I guess. But neither of us have mentioned that yet.
I love him & I miss him so much. I know he needs to work things out for himself but he has really broken my heart. I trusted him. I believed all his promises and how he felt. This man was "the one" I had been looking for all my life. I have never had such a strong connection with anyone ever before and my gut tells me not to accept this but my head tells me I am in denial. I keep replaying all the good times in my head over & over - I can't stop. We are both in our mid-30's & this wasn't a fly by the way relationship. I just don't get it?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 1:56pm

I'm sorry to hear that...I posted to you yesterday on the other board.

I've found that what works for me when you're dealing with men who are not emotionally healthy is to accept that they are just not *capable* of being in a healthy relationship at this point in their lives...but few people (not just men) who are not emotionally healthy *realize* that their capabilities are limited. He thought he could do this, that's why he pushed forward and made all those promises...but he was wrong. I'm sure he didn't deliberately deceive you...he just didn't know how messed up he was. Was it irresponsible of him to say those things? Yes, perhaps (although he may have sincerely felt them in the moment), but manipulative or deceptive...almost certainly not.

For now, the best thing you can do for yourself is cut off all contact (including any email forwards)...you can deal with the exchanging of stuff later when you're feeling stronger. As I said to you on the other board, who knows...he may deal with his issues and call you in a year and you can decide at that point if you want to try again...but in the meantime, you need to put any hope of that happening in a box high on a shelf in your emotional closet (i.e., it can be there, but you can't look at it every day, if that metaphor makes any sense!) and move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 3:07pm

HI MITCHELL

TO BE HONEST WITH U WAIT UNTIL HIS TOTALLY OVER WITH HIS EXWIFE. COZ THIS IS GOING TO BE BIG ISSUE FOR BOTH OF YOU. I'M ASSUMING THEY HAVE KIDS TOGETHER RIGHT? SO NO MATTER WHAT THEY WILL ALWAYS CONTACT EACH OTHER. EVEN LET SAY SHE START DATING OTHER MAN. TRUST ME WHATEVER IS GOING ON WITH THAT EXWIFE WILL CONFLICT YOUR RELATIONSHIP, IF ONLY YOUR BF STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER. SO MAKE SURE THAT HIS TOTALLY OVER HER BEFORE YOU GET BACK WITH HIM. ANYWAYS NO MATTER WHAT HE WONT ADMIT THAT. BUT SEEK FOR YOURSELF

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 4:53pm
The ex wife has had a new boyfriend since the Fall. I agree though. It is more that he isn't over the shock & loss of it then her in particular. They have 2 kids together & they live with her. He has a hard time with that. He got the house in the split & I think that has worked against any healing for him.
Regardless - I know I have to find a way to deal. I didn't expect to hear from him at all - at least till the weekend. But he just called. Just a usual call - just to "check in". It wasn't a long conversation - I think he could tell that I was in the midst of crying (although I tried to cover that).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 7:23pm

actually to be honest with you. we are in same position right now "exwife issue". believe it or not almost same thing.(I MIGHT THINK WERE DATING SAME PERSON)HEHEHEHE he has two kids too boy and girl/exwife have bf.

my bf is acting weird lately and i couldnt take it anymore. so i talk to him and you know guys dont like drama. we end up broken up last sunday. that day i find out that the exwife is pregnant with the new live in BF. i'm assuming thats why his been acting weird coz of that...ofcourse he deny that.

actually i dont really care anymore if he get back with me or not. coz i'm tired of it. IF EVER HE WANT TO GET BACK WITH ME. HE NEED TO SHOW ME FIRST THAT I'M THE ONE AND HIS READY TO BE WITH ME.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:23pm
I don't really think that my boyfriends problem is primarily his ex wife. I know that he went through this bad period the last 2 years of their relationship where things just seemed bleak for him and there was no real reason for him to feel like that. He felt lost. And he feels that way again. It destroyed their relationship. He started drinking, treating her bad and just basically spinning out of control. That is what he is doing again. I know she went through the same stuff I am going through now & she left. It was a shock to him & he got help. But must have not been enough help because now he is in that downward spiral again it seems. I hope that he gets proper help this time around and we can figure things out. I know there are no guarentees in that, but as long as we are still communicating then I have some hope. And he did call this afternoon. Just to "check in", tell me about his day etc. Not a long conversation or anything, but I think it was his way of staying connected and I am glad he did it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 12:57pm

i'm glad that he call you and if you really like him. just put more/extra patience for him. coz actually in my situation i got tired of it and my emotion came first. well i'm hoping that he will finally realized that life most go on no matter what.

believe me everything will be up to you. coz what i know, AS LADYS THE ONE ALWAYS HANDLING THE RELATIONSHIP. A RELATIONSHIP JUST GET TOTALLY OVER IF WE DECIDED TO DISCONTINUE IT.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!