it's so lonely...
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| Thu, 08-30-2007 - 8:27pm |
Hi everyone,
Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of nearly two years left home in Philadelphia to go to college in Pittsburgh (I'm a year younger and going into my senior year of HS). We'd talked about what was going to happen for months and hadn't really decided much, but in the weeks leading up to his departure he seemed to want to try to make things work. I'd told him I would come visit him, that we would at least try a long distance relationship. We've always had a great relationship, mainly because neither of us are very combatative people...we don't get angry easily, and we've always been able to talk through our problems.
The night before he left, he abruptly told me right before I left that he wanted to take a break, that he needed some "space." He said he needed a month to "see how things went" and although he still loved me, he didn't want to have to call me all the time. He promised, not only that night but countless times before, that he would always be there for me and I could always talk to him if I needed to.
Two weeks later, I've talked to him on the phone three times. Every time, he's barely said a word as I try to contain myself. I can't help but cry whenever I hear his voice, I miss him so much. He said he needed a month, and I've been obsessively worrying about his decision. I have to force myself to eat, and I've been sleeping so little that my family doctor recommended and prescribed sleeping pills. Though I was mildly depressed in middle school, I've never felt this low.
I feel as though he's put me on hold. I'm trying SO HARD not to be clingy, even though I more emotionally unstable with everyday he won't talk to me. He's ignoring all my attempts at contact, saying he's "busy." I understand his life is changing, but how can he ignore me when he knows how upset it makes me and if he still cares about me?
I don't really know what I expect people on this board to say. I guess I just need someone to talk to. I want this to work more than anything, but he's completely ruining my trust. He's the first person I've slept with, and I don't regret it, but I thought that he would at least care about me enough to see how I was doing. Please, any reassurance or advice would be so much appreciated.
beg88

Honestly, first thing I'd read is the two posts "When he asks for space", and "when to contact him after space". Sandra's right on the dot. He wants space, give it to him, so much that he chokes on it. He wants a month, fine. Cut calling him for 2 months or so. See how he likes it when you're not there to fall back on.
College is truly a trying time for anyone. It's a huge jump that you'll understand next year when you go. You're bombarded with new experiences and sometimes the temptation to branch out is huge. But I've been in college too. If I can manage to call my mom every day during freshman, I seriously doubt he's too busy to give you one lousy 5 minute phone call every other day.
My best advice is to start REALLY filling in your time until YOU are too busy to talk to him. Unfortunately, guys are really like that. As long as you're docilely sitting at home waiting for him, he's never going to appreciate you. The moment you start to forget about him, he'll be all about trying to make it work. In any case, it's worth a shot. It seems like you two are slowly inching towards break up, so what have you got to lose? Stop calling him. Let him call YOU.
cheers
Susanna
Welcome to the board beg88,
Here's the two links unicornssong mentioned:
When he asks for space (aka, "a break")
i know i need to give him the space he asked for and i'm really trying to...but part of the reason he asked for space is because he wanted to see if he had time for a girlfriend. i'm afraid that if i stop contacting him he'll think he can't make time because he'll get used to never needing to make time. i really really don't want to lose him, and while i know that i need to give him space i don't know if severing contact with him completely is that i should do?
also his birthday is coming up in a week and i bought him a present a while ago...send it or not?
University really isn't that busy. Half the population manages to maintain an SO, what makes him so special. Don't mix up the idea of being ABLE to make time and WANTING to make time. Look at it this way, if you're available all the time, why would he NEED to make time? You're there no matter how little time he gives you. But if you go...suddenly he has to work for it if he wants to keep you. He is MORE likely to make time if you stop calling him because he needs to.
Send the present. Stop calling.
Susanna
Some helpful advice I recently got that I wish I had gotte when I was your age was to never make a man your whole world.
What that means is you can enjoy what you have with him but don't make him and this relationship the MOST important thing going in your life becuase if it should end, and lets's face it most of your relationships will end at some point, it is very much devastating.
Since he's gone and needs space, you need to do YOU. That means focus on other aspects of your life. Take up some hobbies, join some clubs, get an afterschool job, hang out with friends, but put this and him on the back burner since that is what he's done with you. You have to firce yourself to move past him cause truthfully, who knows if he'll ever come around and meanwhile you're life has to go on.
Give the present to someone else, throw it out, burn it, just get it out of your space. "Out of sight, out of mind!"
Just don't send it to him.
I agree with cl214 completely, as I'm sure everyone else on this board will too, by making someone the center of your universe that person will only take your for granted and assume you'll always be there. If you fill your life with different things, keeping yourself constantly busy they'll have to EARN the time they spend with you, which becomes an amazing filtering process to get rid of the undeserving tools, make people work for your attention, not the other way around.
You're still in highschool, you've been in a committed relationship, you've been emotionally and physically involved on an adult level. By my count you're now a veteran when it comes to relationships and you know what to expect now. That's a huge personal growth most your peers probably haven't experienced yet, you're ahead of the game!
After a while I think most people will learn that as good as relationships are, the majority of them will end, and there's not much you can do about it. Just enjoy the good times and when the bad times come, just shrug it off because you KNOW there'll be others, there are too many people in this world for you not to meet any of them =D