I've become the poster child of denial!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2006
I've become the poster child of denial!
14
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 4:19pm
Hello all,
I was hoping that by now, I'd have made my way to the "Still Mending" section...It's been almost 2 months, but somehow, I still feel freshly heartbroken.
Just a reminder to those who don't remember me: My boyfriend, soul mate, love, person who I thought I'd marry of 2 years decided about 2 months ago that his "feelings have changed, this just isn't working" and walked out of my life forever. We have had no contact, just like we're not supposed to.
I have been a complete basket case. I'm keeping busy, am seeing a therapist, and am on anti-depressants but there is absolutely NOTHING that makes me feel better...I'm exercising, going out, going to work, reading a lot...I just feel so empty, like half a person. The love I have for my boyfriend is so, so true and so deep that I honestly feel, 2 months later, that I'll never get through this.
I honestly feel that life is not worth living without him.
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...Nothing is changing, I'm not getting happier...I am an absolute basket case, despite my best efforts to feel better. I miss him desperately.
I'm also ashamed to report that, as the subject says, I have completely become the poster child for DENIAL, because 2 months later, that's what I'm still in. I pray every second that he'll call, write, SOMETHING, that he'll realize this break up thing was a MISTAKE and he'll come crawling back. The only thing that gets me through the day is that thought that some couples DO get back together...I feel we truly were made for each other, and it is so, so awful to be the only one who truly feels that way.
I know it's over, but I just can't stop hoping. I feel like I'll never get through this. Please, someone help me. Has anyone here felt like this? I feel like I should've made much more progress than I have. I'm so desperate...Please help...Thanks...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 5:56pm

i was in same situation as you are LONG TIME AGO WITH MY 2YRS RELATIONSHIP. at first it was very hard. you know our routine. cant sleep, cant eat, cant focus AND ALL THE WORD "CANT"...RIGHT!!!

BUT TRUST ME I THOUGHT TOO THAT I CANT FORGET ABOUT HIM. MONTHS PASS I STILL THINK OF HIM AND I CALL HIM. ALL THOSE BULLY STAFF!!! BUT ONEDAY HE CALL ME AND CAME OVER MY HOUSE. I WAS AMAZED THAT WOW I DONT FEEL ANYTHING TO HIM ANYMORE. I GUESS IT FADED! WELL COZ MAYBE I'M SORT OF LIKING OTHER GUY THAT TIME. ACTUALLY HIS BEGGING ME TO MARRY HIM AND HAVE A BABY GIRL LIKE WE USED TO PLAN. I TOLD HIM ITS TOO LATE. NO WAY JOSE I'LL GO BACK WITH HIM. AFTER I REALIZED WHAT WAS I'M MISSING FOR. HECK NO!

SO SAME TO YOU. YOU NEVER KNOW HE CAME KNOCKING YOUR DOOR AND THAT TIME YOU JUST FINALLY REALIZED THAT "WHAT IS THIS THE GUY I USED TO LIKE OR WHAT"....THOSE SORT OF FEELING. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I BET YOU! YOU WILL "LOL"

WELL GOOD LUCK AND I WISH THAT YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 7:40pm

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Giving up hope is one of the hardest things to do, but it's an absolutely necessary part of the recovery process.

What has worked for me in the past is using the thought-stopping technique (have you seen that post?)...when I start thinking in ways that you describe, I force myself to STOP, and I substitute a thought along the lines of, "well, that's all well and good, I may be convinced he was the one for me, but he doesn't think so and there's nothing I can do about that. I need to accept that. He can be right for me if he doesn't want to be with me. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I'll be ready to meet someone who IS right for me."

And I try to visualize putting my hope in a little box and putting it high, high up on the back of a shelf in my mental/emotional closet...in other words, it's still there, but I don't have to look at it or think about it every day, if that makes any sense.

Hope this helps some. It really is amazing how well forcing yourself to re-direct your thoughts works...it's hard and it takes practice, but it does help. (I believe that post about thought-stopping is on the board website, by the way).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:18am
Hi Lizzy - I'm feeling exactly the same way. It's been a month and one week and hate that I'm not further along in the healing process. I know EXACTLY what you mean about still wishing he'd come back and change his mind. I also know exactly what you mean about not feeling like a whole person. That's such a perfect way to describe how I'm feeling too. You feel like you're just a walking zombie almost. It hurts, it sucks and no person should have to go through this. And I get so frustrated when people/friends/family act as though I should just "move on" already. And just like you, I'm going to a therapist have recently gone on anti-depressants..ANYTHING to try to help. I so am right there with you and feeling the pain. Hugs to you and I hope you start feeling just a teeny bit better...if you do let me know your secret!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:32am
lizzygirl1022,
I am living your feelings to a tee. That is exactly how I am feeling, while reading your post I kept saying to myself: wow, this person is feeling the same way I am, just trying to keep the hope even though after all this he is putting me through I am still hoping that God somehow create a way for him to realize that he can't live without me, for him to call me one day and say, I have not been happy since we broke up and how much he needs me. Wishful thinking I know, but the hope keeps me sane right now. I am with you and together we can get through this as well as others who may be feeling the same way we are. So take care of yourself in the mean time.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 12:31pm

I am at about two and a half months, and I am only an inch into my healing. I, too, feel like a shell of a person, and I have grown to hate the words "move on." I have done everything suggested to help my recovery: therapist, keeping busy, antidepressants, journaling, loving myself, talking to friends, reading tons of self-help books. The only thing that is better is I have stopped crying. I am now in the Angry stage.

He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night, and a million times all day. I have tried Thought Stopping. This is just the most painful thing I have ever been through, except for my divorce, although I know it's not the most serious.

I, too, have a shred of hope that he will call me and say he made a huge mistake and wants me back in his life, although I know this would not be the best thing for me at all. So, for that reason, I hope it does not happen, and if it does, I hope I am strong enough to resist. That is the point I am trying to get myself to.

I am relying now on all my coping techniques, but I am adding prayer and depending on time. One book I just started is really helping, and it is a bit different from the others: Coming Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma. Really explains things well and takes away any guilt. Best wishes to you all. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 12:39pm
Thanks so much to everyone who has replied to my message so far. It is so good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I too, am struggling horribly with friends and family who are telling me to "Move on already! He's just a guy! He's not worth this!" but I JUST CAN'T. I believe he was was soul mate, and I don't even think I WANT to move on--I want HIM, and that is it. He was my everything, and I'm completely lost without him. This board is the only place I can go where I feel the people here are understanding and sympathetic. The love I have for my ex is so so deep. There is no "move on already" for me. If I could, I would. The misery is unbearable. I just don't know how much longer I can hang on...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 1:40pm
I know Lizzy - Believe me, I can't concentrate on work at all and feel like I want to die. We have to keep each other going though and I'll cheer you on if you will me! Advice has been to just keep making it through little chunks of the day. Five minutes at a time if you have to! I just sooo know exactly how you feel, but we have to keep going. I keep coming back here too because it's the only thing that seems to keep me going through the day. I wish I could flip a switch and have no emotions left at all : ( Hang on please! We have to believe it CAN get better. I find that so hard right now and feel like this pain is going to last the rest of my life and I'll grow old with this huge hole in my heart. I'm reading Mars, Venus Starting Over and the book compares a heartbreak to a broken bone that needs to be "set" before it can heal. I think what we're doing now is "setting" : ( But he said the bone actually grows back even stronger. Finding that hard to believe trust me! But maybe somehow something will come out of our experience that will make us stronger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 3:08pm

Hi there,

I haven't felt that way for a long time, but when I did it was bad and it was an awful feeling. I can sympathize with you *hugz* But it does subside eventually. I wish you luck in the healing proces, just don't date other people too soon, it will not help you heal and will only hurt them. I've been on both sides of that situation, it is nothing but trouble. You and only you will know when you're really ready. Good luck and keep your head held high and smile for at least 5 minutes a day, even go as far as to laugh in the morning while getting ready. Something about smilling/laughing releases something into your brain that cheers you up.

Good luck and be strong!
LovingArt

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 3:22pm

I know it is so hard. I want him back so bad, too, but I also miss my home where I lived with him, my routine for six years, all his phone calls during the day, the pet names he called me that I will never hear again, and all his/my animals, 8 cats and 7 dogs. Can you imagine? I have lost so much. It is like a divorce without the structure of a divorce. But I did it all to myself by investing so much of my life in his. It is no wonder he is not suffering.

I KNOW he was not good for me, so deep down I pray he does not call me, but I miss his look and his touch so much. A part of my psyche just feels like it is on vacation from him, and if I wait long enough, I can go home. But that is not true.

I cling to this board, too. I visit it numerous times a day for support.

I healed from a 28 year relationship with my ex-husband. It took me two years. But I can tell you if you do it right, you will remember much of the events of the relationship, but it will carry very little emotion with it. You will feel just a twinge of pain and you will remember the very big lessons you learned. You may even feel sorry for them. That is how I KNOW it will get better. Hang in there, ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 4:36pm
Wow Memphis...that must be so difficult. I have 2 cats myself and love animals too and know that must just add to the pain. My fiance and I were together for 5 and 1/2 yrs and your strength in getting over a 28 yr. marriage certainly gives me hope that it IS possible to move on. I cling to this board too to keep from driving my friends and family too crazy : (

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