ive been dumped by a committment phob
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| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:17am |
Some of you may already know my story, some of you maybe new here, but I fell in love with a Comittment Phob. Its been an up and down relationship for the past year and a half of my life. A little background...Im 45/Divorced/with kids, Hes 40/Divorced/with kids.
Over the past year and a half I have had to break through walls to reach this man, I have been hurt repeatedly by his actions, yet I have also shared some wonderful moments with him, more good than bad.
Things go along wonderful for 3-4 months and then it all falls apart. Then I take him back, claiming that I have to have him because I love him all the while Im throwing my own self esteem and pride out the window. Well Im here to say hes done it again, this time worse than ever.
Over the Holidays we had a wonderful evening together...the best you can imagine. We talked about marriage, a topic he initiated, in the future. Both not ready for that just yet but maybe someday. He gave me gifts for Christmas, one was a beautiful pair of expensive earrings. I gave him a beautiful gold chain. A week later, plans were being cancelled then he called me Friday, very drunk, and told me we were over. That he met up a month ago with an old high school sweetheart and he wanted to see if they had something there. He went on to tell me he had dated her a few nights, but hadnt slept with her. I said some things we shouted back and forth and then he put her on the phone to let her telll me he was hers now that I needed to accept it and go away.
After that more calls came, from her and his friends he was drinking with. Telling me they were having sex and panting in the background. One of his friends actually called offering to take care of me sexually because he said he was told by F what I lliked in bed.
The next day he called and told me it was all a lie to get me to walk away, because he can never love me the way he should or anyone else. That he can never be in a relationship with me or anyone else. He said his divorce of 4 years ago did something to him emotionally and he cant give me what I want and need.
The next day he called again, asking me to let things cool down, and that then he would like to talk to me. He has apologized for what happened and for the behavior of his friends. From past experience this is his way of coming back to me.
Somewhere inside I need to find the strength to let go and not meet with him. I love him but he hurts me over and over and Im sure he will again. How do I let him go? Help me please, Im falling apart fast, I miss him, as sick as that sounds, and I still love him, yet I hate him at the same time for what he did.
The worst was he knew I would never tolerate cheating and lying, as thats how my marriage of 20 years ended with my husband having had an affair. He took that sensitive area and used it to the max to get out of this relationship. How can you ever forgive that?

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I think you asked yourself a very good question. How can you forgive that? I think you know the answer to it. You can't. Not only is this man a commitment phobe as you described, he's also manipulative and deceitful. You said it yourself in your post. He took something that was very painful for you in the past and used it to try and hurt you as much as he could. Not only is he manipulative, but he's immature as well. Just look at the kinds of friends he surrounds himself with. As I was reading your post it sounded like a high school prank. I know it's easy for me to type this and much harder for you to actually do but.....walk away. For the sake of your own sanity. Just walk away. He's damaged right now, and maybe if he went to counseling he would figure out his emotional state, but until that happens you don't need this nonsense in your life. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I too dated a very immature "man" that took weeks to get his belongings, return appliances, change some utilities into my name. Unfortunately, I had to get drastic and change the locks as he would constantly come by my house to get his things while I was at work, but walk my dog instead and never take his stuff. Trust me when I say, you are better off without this drama. Keep us posted on your progress.
Car
This guy is immature, selfish and a cad. Stop taking his calls or emails and do not initiate contact with him. It won't be easy because you still have feelings for him but it's like pulling off a band aid, it hurts at first but that goes away quickly.
hugs,
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
Oh Jerseygirl, I so know where you are coming from.
My situation was exactly the same. He had kids and had some serious damage from the divorce. The 3-4 months is exactly the same amount of time things would be good for us before he would start to freak out. Then we would break up and I would take him back. He would be great again and then pull back because he could not face his own feelings. After several times of this, he said he wanted to date other people to confirm his feelings for me (or lack there of). At that point, I needed to be done so I cut all contact. You, nor I, should ever have to deal with that. And the ridiculous, childish 'prank' he played on you - if that really was a prank. If it was a prank - what a sick one. He does not have the you know whats to be truthful to you? My ex did the same thing. He lied about having any interest in anyone else when in actuality he was dating someone before I finally got it out of him. Even though he always promised he would be truthful with me. Just as you ask, how can you ever forgive that?
It has been 42 days since I have had any contact with my ex and I can tell you, it is fantastic. I know now that if he came crawling back to me right now, I am strong enough to walk away from it for good. Consider doing the same. You deserve more.
Many hugs!
Kitsy,
I did just that about an hour ago...You see we never let either of us get close to our kids, him because it was another "step" he had to take that reaked of "committment". Me because I was afraid that they would be hurt if things didnt work out. Well these past 4 months were so great that I approached him a week and a half ago and told him I think we should consider spending more time with each others kids and we need to talk about that one.
He told me yesterday that that request from me was the reason he began to feel suffocated again, and that its not my fault I have a right to that, he panicked at taking that step.
IM GLAD NOW HE DID!! Because I cant take this man back into my life and take a chance on involving him with my kids, because they wont be able to count on him sticking around, he will only hurt them and me again, hes been drinking a couple nights a week with his buddies (and Im talking alot of beer not a few) over the past 6 weeks, and he did a horrible unforgivable thing to me!! THATS NOT THE TYPE OF MAN I WANT IN THEIR LIFE!
So realizing that I can now draw some strength from that alone! My childrens happiness, welfare, and their best intersts always come first, it just took me time to see what I wasnt seeing. Im just so glad I saw now before it was too late.
God, what a horrible person.
He sounds like he has bigger issues than being a commitment phob. How about an abusive ass?
Do yourself a favor, eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream, watch every chick flick BlockBuster has to offer, cry to everyone you know....BUT DON'T CALL HIM.
Good luck to you!!
Yes that is EXACTLY what i was thinking...he's not a commitmentphobe, he's an abusive ass.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. ICK.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."
GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
There's a difference between a c-phobe, and an a-hole.
Bluegirl,
I want you to know that your post helped me alot...might have been short but this line caught my eye and I read it over and over and each time I remembered all the times in the past he has hurt me...... you wrote:
" How much worse does it have to get?"
My reply, I cant let it get any worse than this! As much as I feel like a complete ass to even write this, so embarrassed by my own actions, I need to tell you that this wasnt the first time that drinking/friends/abusive talk came into play. There were a couple other times over the 18 months, that he called me so drunk, and he sat there in a room with his friends and said deep personal sexual things to me and about me while I was on the phone to his friends. He would tell them how good I was at a certain act, or how much I loved that sexual act or postiion. I would get mad, hang up, the next day he would apologize after he asked me what he said for he couldnt remember. AND I FORGAVE ME or at least enough to continue the relationship. But I never really forgot. I thought back to those times on many occassions and they cut like a knife. BUT I DID NOTHING TO SAVE MYSELF!
I have suffered for 15 years from panic disorder. I fight it constantly and have brought myself back from some very difficult times. I realized the yesterday, as I sat at work feeling that creepy, all over shaking feeling coming on me, that this so called man, had gotten to me so bad that he was bringing this out and making me sick !
I looked at my 4 children and realized I CANT LET IT GET ANY WORSE!! Because they need me to be whole, they depend and rely on me as their mother, and I cant let him take that away by setting me back into a time when the attacks become a daily part of my life.
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