ive been dumped by a committment phob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
ive been dumped by a committment phob
24
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:17am

Some of you may already know my story, some of you maybe new here, but I fell in love with a Comittment Phob. Its been an up and down relationship for the past year and a half of my life. A little background...Im 45/Divorced/with kids, Hes 40/Divorced/with kids.

Over the past year and a half I have had to break through walls to reach this man, I have been hurt repeatedly by his actions, yet I have also shared some wonderful moments with him, more good than bad.

Things go along wonderful for 3-4 months and then it all falls apart. Then I take him back, claiming that I have to have him because I love him all the while Im throwing my own self esteem and pride out the window. Well Im here to say hes done it again, this time worse than ever.

Over the Holidays we had a wonderful evening together...the best you can imagine. We talked about marriage, a topic he initiated, in the future. Both not ready for that just yet but maybe someday. He gave me gifts for Christmas, one was a beautiful pair of expensive earrings. I gave him a beautiful gold chain. A week later, plans were being cancelled then he called me Friday, very drunk, and told me we were over. That he met up a month ago with an old high school sweetheart and he wanted to see if they had something there. He went on to tell me he had dated her a few nights, but hadnt slept with her. I said some things we shouted back and forth and then he put her on the phone to let her telll me he was hers now that I needed to accept it and go away.

After that more calls came, from her and his friends he was drinking with. Telling me they were having sex and panting in the background. One of his friends actually called offering to take care of me sexually because he said he was told by F what I lliked in bed.

The next day he called and told me it was all a lie to get me to walk away, because he can never love me the way he should or anyone else. That he can never be in a relationship with me or anyone else. He said his divorce of 4 years ago did something to him emotionally and he cant give me what I want and need.

The next day he called again, asking me to let things cool down, and that then he would like to talk to me. He has apologized for what happened and for the behavior of his friends. From past experience this is his way of coming back to me.

Somewhere inside I need to find the strength to let go and not meet with him. I love him but he hurts me over and over and Im sure he will again. How do I let him go? Help me please, Im falling apart fast, I miss him, as sick as that sounds, and I still love him, yet I hate him at the same time for what he did.

The worst was he knew I would never tolerate cheating and lying, as thats how my marriage of 20 years ended with my husband having had an affair. He took that sensitive area and used it to the max to get out of this relationship. How can you ever forgive that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 10:23am
I'm glad I could help, I know how bad it sucks. I too was dumped by a committment phob and it's been really hard. I also let my ex get away with A LOT of things that i shouldn't have! It's good to know that we are in the same boat (even though we would never want to be in THIS boat). It does get a little easier everyday though, the first few steps are definitely the hardest. Hang in there! Hugs!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:23am

:::Do yourself a favor, eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream

I highly recommend the Hagen Dazz Low Fat Smores. It's soooo delicious, and half the fat, so you don't feel too guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:39pm
This is one that I would definately walk away from. He got his friends together to go out of his way to hurt you. You do not deserve that. Trust me I know it is hard, but you do not need to be put through things like this. If you were to be with him it would just happen again and possibly be worse than this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:48pm
I actually thought the other times were so bad! This was definitely worse than all the rest. There were actually about 3 other times..each time the way he did it became meaner and meaner. Thanks for your support !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:49pm
Kitsy Ill give the ice cream a try, but right now I dont see how its gonna help the pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:36pm

hey jerseygirl,

just wanted to say that frm your 1st post to your later ones - you really have become strong. the change is so evident! proud of you! you are finally SEEING IT LIKE IT IS - from saying it was so good to realising that no matter how "good" it got there was this horrible disrespectful side to deal with. i think thi sman has some SERIOUS issues. he is never going to be happy. deriving sick pleasure out of demeaning someone else. he is so dysfunctional. but you dont be. the first time you took him back - he knew doing this to you was OKAY. as horrible as it may sound. thank god you are seeing it now! and you are stronger than you think you are. everytime you cut his calls, reject this SOB, you will feel that much stronger. don't let anyone humiliate you. i've been there and i realise that was my biggest mistake. its like giving someone a license to degrade you. noway ! man! never!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:59pm

i know its hard but its pretty obvious that this guy dont have RESPECT FOR YOU....do you understand that...in a relationship without a respect the relationship wont work....and esp. how could this man let his friend treat you like a slut...

actualy this is all up to you right?? well if his going to change for real..then go for it give him another chance...but make sure that your ready to take that risk again...

remember life is too short...so its better to enjoy it...it means if you will make yourself stock with this kinda person THAT HAPPINESS YOU WILL NEVER SEE...i hope he treat your kids good....

good luck and happy new year....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 10:04pm
I beg to differ, this man does NOT deserve a second chance, no matter how much he changes (which he won't, he's 40 and sounds like he doesn't know how to change). He burned his freaking bridge and should have to live his whole life knowing what a dumb*ss he was for being such a jerk!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:27am

Bluegirl,

Thanks for posting that last post! I have to say, I appreciate all the advice I get here but that has to be a first for me...I havent had one poster, one family member or one friend tell me anything except....NO MORE CHANCES FOR HIM!!

You know it just goes to show you how self centered he is and uncaring about my feelings. He called me Sat. & Sun. (the break up happened on friday) well I called him on Monday when I was having a weak moment. He told me that he had asked me the day before to let things cool down and then we could talk so why am I calling him. Well I felt like crap right there!! He finally admitted he has a problem with committment phobia and he needs some time to himself and space. So Im doing just that!

I havent had any contact with him at all for the past 2 and a half days! Im proud of myself for that. I think what keeps me going is the facts that ....yes he has a problem ...and also Im mad that he acts like the injured party here!

After this happened on Friday I sent a box to him with all my photos and memories of us from the past 18 months, along with jewelry he gave me ( I KNOW DUMB), I didnt want anything in my home to remind me of him. Well after I settled down I realized I should have kept that box. He got it a few days ago and told me he would send it right back if I wanted the things, I said yes please do....As of today theres no box in the mail....I THINK HES HOLDING IT AND IS GOING TO COME HERE EVENTUALLY WITH IT TO DELIVER IT IN PERSON, WHEN HE MISSES ME! Im not so sure I want to see him.

I miss him so much, yet I reaize I miss the good him not the one that hurts me. But its a package deal right?

I was going to wait til Monday and contact him if I dont have the package back and ask him if we can talk so I can find some closure here. Hes basically left the relationship undone. Should I call or should I just forget the closure and move on???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 3:32pm

I don't think it's a dumb thing to give back the jewelry - they're only things...but is it worth putting your heart throught wringer again by talking to him again? I'm going through a similar situation (ended a relationship with an emotionally abusive man yesterday), and since we know we wouldn't be able to see each other without either fighting or sleeping with each other, I'm putting his stuff in front of my apt door, and he's coming over to get his stuff and put my stuff in its place, along with my keys.

With this in mind, I would let the box go and do whatever you need to move on with your life...go see a counselor if you need to, treat yourself to something nice, just focus on you...

Good luck, we'll get through this together...