ive been dumped by a committment phob
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:17am |
Some of you may already know my story, some of you maybe new here, but I fell in love with a Comittment Phob. Its been an up and down relationship for the past year and a half of my life. A little background...Im 45/Divorced/with kids, Hes 40/Divorced/with kids.
Over the past year and a half I have had to break through walls to reach this man, I have been hurt repeatedly by his actions, yet I have also shared some wonderful moments with him, more good than bad.
Things go along wonderful for 3-4 months and then it all falls apart. Then I take him back, claiming that I have to have him because I love him all the while Im throwing my own self esteem and pride out the window. Well Im here to say hes done it again, this time worse than ever.
Over the Holidays we had a wonderful evening together...the best you can imagine. We talked about marriage, a topic he initiated, in the future. Both not ready for that just yet but maybe someday. He gave me gifts for Christmas, one was a beautiful pair of expensive earrings. I gave him a beautiful gold chain. A week later, plans were being cancelled then he called me Friday, very drunk, and told me we were over. That he met up a month ago with an old high school sweetheart and he wanted to see if they had something there. He went on to tell me he had dated her a few nights, but hadnt slept with her. I said some things we shouted back and forth and then he put her on the phone to let her telll me he was hers now that I needed to accept it and go away.
After that more calls came, from her and his friends he was drinking with. Telling me they were having sex and panting in the background. One of his friends actually called offering to take care of me sexually because he said he was told by F what I lliked in bed.
The next day he called and told me it was all a lie to get me to walk away, because he can never love me the way he should or anyone else. That he can never be in a relationship with me or anyone else. He said his divorce of 4 years ago did something to him emotionally and he cant give me what I want and need.
The next day he called again, asking me to let things cool down, and that then he would like to talk to me. He has apologized for what happened and for the behavior of his friends. From past experience this is his way of coming back to me.
Somewhere inside I need to find the strength to let go and not meet with him. I love him but he hurts me over and over and Im sure he will again. How do I let him go? Help me please, Im falling apart fast, I miss him, as sick as that sounds, and I still love him, yet I hate him at the same time for what he did.
The worst was he knew I would never tolerate cheating and lying, as thats how my marriage of 20 years ended with my husband having had an affair. He took that sensitive area and used it to the max to get out of this relationship. How can you ever forgive that?

Pages
Your right, maybe it wasnt so dumb to give it back... I dont want anything around me right now to remind me of him!
Im sorry your going through a rough time too, and you hang in there too! I liked your line about us getting through this together...please feel free to talk..Im a good listener!
Today was a bad day. I was missing him alot today! Its been a week tomorrow and 2 weeks since Ive seen him tomorrow...what an ass he couldnt even tell me face to face...make that a coward!
Although I didn't see him, last night was hard, b/c I knew that we were giving each other's stuff back...I made sure I wasn't at home when I knew he'd drop everything off, and when I got home and saw my stuff and keys in from of my door, I lost it...
I'm not so much angry as sad, I guess, that the relationship is over, that our plans (he's buying a house he wanted me to move in, plus we were at some point talking about marriage and having kids) won't ever happen, and that he's essentially a damaged man - he had a rough childhood with his dad, verbally abusing him and his mom didn't treat him that much better, either...he's 43 and I don't know if he'll ever be capable of having a healthy relationship...
Focusing on feeling sorry for him does at first sound soft, but I'm just not an angry person at heart...
Hope your day was better than yesterday...
Schylla,
I understand how you feel...I have a hard time too being an angry person. And feeling sorry for him is natural if you have a good heart.. The man has problems, its actually sad that he cant love. I feel the same way about mine, hes heading for such a lonely life, he needs help with his problems and if he doesnt get it, he will never have any true happiness as he runs from relationship to relationship.
You asked about my day...well here it is in a nutshell! I wrote this on my other thread and wanted to be sure to share it with you and the others that responded to me:
Well I heard from him last night. And to make the story short and sweet, he once again behaved like a child and a coward, not a man of 40 years old. He sent me a text message and then went to online chatting to get me to hear him out. I went along with the online thing, and I dont regret it. I did it because he pissed me off!! He actually had the nerve to make it sound like it was all my fault, and that hes had enough.
I reminded him he was the drunk that night, that hurt me with his words and actions...putting this pretend new woman he met on the phone then texting me in the middle of the night, telling me they were having sex!
He attempted once again to manipulate me, put all the blame on my shoulders, and did what all committment phobs do when they see you had enough and your not playing the game....he apologized and then made an effort to keep the door open for a return with that famous "friends" line!!
OH but of course the "friends" and "Im sorry" didnt come till I told him I cant do this with him anymore, he cant give me what I want so we are best apart and that IM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE!!
I know hes not gone for good...Ill hear from him again, but I think he was surprised at the stronger woman he found at the other end this time. And surprised that he hasnt heard from me for 5 days....well Im back to no contact and this time I plan on it lasting a lifetime!
My ex was a committment phob and he basically ran without telling me why. It's been almost 7 months since he stopped returning my calls and the only explaination I got from his friends was that he got scared and ran.
Men who are afraid of committment are also very inmature, selfish, and most are dead inside and this is who you are dealing with. Believe me, cut him off now because you don't want to destroy what pride and dignity you have left. It will hurt but in the long run you have to ask yourself "Do I really want to live in misery with this little boy and expose my children to him".
I have a 6 year girl and I look back and realize that my exes lifestyle would not be good for a 6 year old since he loves to party and drink with his buddies most days. It is really sad because my ex is a 40 year old grandpa so I think you and I both have seen that some men NEVER grow up.
Good Luck!
Pages