I've Been Here Before

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
I've Been Here Before
7
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 4:45pm
I posted on this board several years ago after a bad breakup. I eventually moved on, and dated someone else, but it didn't work out. Then I took a year off for myself to heal and try and just do things that made me happy. But I kind of missed having someone in my life to share things with you know? So my friend set me up with one of her husband's co-workers. And we fell pretty hard for each other. I'm 28, and he's almost 30. We made all kinds of plans for the future, and I truly honestly, in all my relationships, have never felt so happy with anyone before in my life. I told my closest friends that I knew he was 'the one'. We talked about our future together, and getting married, etc. I was supposed to move with him next year when he moves out of state for his next job. But then one night we had a discussion about kids in the future, and the conversation didn't go very well, it got kind of heated. And shortly after that we both were out of town on trips, and talked briefly on the phone while we were away, and expressed concern about our future together. But I mean, this was the guy who told me we would always work things out, that nothing would break us apart. And in the few days after the emotional conversation of course he still told me he loved me and that he missed me, etc. Anyway we get back from our trips and finally have a chance to talk about things, and he just decides to end it. He just kept saying he didn't feel right about us anymore. Well I am completely blindsided. I was in such shock that I didn't even know what to say, so I just sat there like an idiot. Now of course I have all kinds of questions. I tried calling him but he won't call me back. He is away again (his job keeps him away a lot, two-three weeks at a time.) Even my family told me they thought this guy was it for me, and they've never said that ever over the years. I felt so hopeless and upset I even emailed his sister, because I wanted his family to know how much I love him. She responded but sounded kind of defensive and put off that I have even written to her, even though my email was filled with nothing but kind words about her brother, and about how upset I am over this break-up. I just feel totally lost and confused. I just cannot believe my gut instincts could've been so far off. I really never felt a connection like this before, u know? It was like, when I realized he was 'the one', it literally took my breath away and made my hair stand on end! I know that probably sounds ridiculous but it was really a very powerful feeling that I've never experienced before. Anyway I am just devastated. Its only been a week so I know I have a long way to go. But I have posted here in the past and it helped so...anyway thanks to anyone who read this. It's good to be able to come to a place like this where there is all kinds of support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:00pm

I'm sorry you are going through this. You really can't say you were blindsided because from you say there was a lot of tension leading up to the break-up.

You have to stop calling him. He knows you want to talk so the ball is in his court--and don't drag his family into it no matter how well your intentions are. You know you have to stay strong and keep busy and if it's meant to be he will come around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 8:44pm

I just read your post and can't believe how much you sound like me right now and we are very close in age (my post today was titled "Desperate for advice") I am going through the same thing (I was broken up with yesterday) with someone who I too thought was the one and had an abnormal love and connection with. So of course I can empathize with how you are feeling in general. I don't have any specific advice (I wish I did or I'd take it myself) but I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone, that there are other young girls out there who are going through this. It helped me to know I am not alone by being on here.

P.S. You sound like a great girl, and guys who break up with good women always regret it later, so at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that even though you are hurting now, he will never get anyone as good as you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 7:39am

Hi there,

At the end of the day, you will be OK. You moved on for the first guy, you WILL move on for this one no matter how hard it looks. That's the way it works for all of us. You will be OK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 9:54am
Well I didn't intend on dragging his family into anything. I only wanted to get my message across and be done with it, case closed. Just wanted them to know how much I love him, in case I never see them again. I didn't want the email to turn into a conversation at all, I could've cared less if I ever heard back from her to be honest. I just wanted at least one thing to end on a happy note, u know? It just felt important to me to get that message across, seeing as how we had planned so much for the future together and I really thought I would've been a part of his family. I felt better after sending the email, and now I'm done with it, they won't be hearing from me again, I can promise that much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:01am

At the end of the day, you will be OK. You moved on for the first guy, you WILL move on for this one no matter how hard it looks. That's the way it works for all of us. You will be OK.

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In terms of him not contacting you, I ran into my ex, but he stopped contacting me Jan 31st, we brok up Dec 16th. I have come to the conclusion that when men see it is hopeless of make a desicion to end things, they break contact and doa cold turkey withdraw, like ripping of a bandaid. It probably tears them up at first, but the wound heals quicker. NC has made it easier for me. When we ran into each other out the other night, he was the one who got pissed no me.

About his family, you also need to break contact with them. In my case, I knew my ex's ssiter and was friends with her first. However he tried to put her in the middle which is unfair to her, so we decided to quit hanging for a while. It is not fair to her to hear me talking about the break=up and the new man in my life. I think that soon we will be able to hang again once the break up is older and we remeber the friendship before her brother came into my life. In your case it seems that you became friends with his sister because of him, so you break up with him, you break up with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:30am
It is just so hard to think my gut instincts could have been wrong about this guy. I mean really, it's ridiculous that this even ended! Anyway I only sent one email to his sister, she responded, and I wrote back and said thanks for your response, wish you all the best in the future. Just to make it clear I had no intention on trying to get information from her or anything like that. I really just wanted his family to know that I love him very very much and that I was sad we didn't make it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:45am

It is just so hard to think my gut instincts could have been wrong about this guy. I mean really, it's ridiculous that this even ended!

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I really just wanted his family to know that I love him very very much and that I was sad we didn't make it.

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