I've been replaced already!!!
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I've been replaced already!!!
| Sun, 06-24-2007 - 8:16pm |
At the beginning of the month, my bf broke up with me (it's not working, I want to be alone, I don't have time for a girlfriend, etc.) and I just realized he's seeing someone already! This has really set back my healing process! How could he end an 8 year relationship and jump back in so quickly? I could only assume that he had this person on the back burner and that is why he so abruptly ended our relationship/plans for the future. I just read It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken but any advice is appreciated because I am absolutely devastated, not thinking clearly, terribly heartbroken and thinking of doing some stupid stuff so please give me advice. Anyone out there been in the same boat and can offer me advice? I feel like I've had a pitchfork jabbed into my heart.

Oh, I can relate--I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It does make you feel like the relationship must not have meant anything, doesn't it.
I was with an ex for 4 years, living together for 3, and *two weeks* after we split up, he was LIVING with another woman! I couldn't believe it. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.
But with the perspective time has brought, I realize that it was a blessing in disguise--it prevented us from getting back together, for one thing, which would have been a HUGE mistake.
A guy who would do this can't possibly be right for you...that's the acceptance that time will bring. But it's going to take a while for you to get to that point--so be gentle and forgiving with yourself, ok?
Sheri
Thanks for your advice. I read somewhere on one of these boards that a relationship is like a house that has crumbled after a storm. While women try to clear the clutter before building another house/relationship, men try to build another "house" on top of the crumbled mess of their last "house."
I'm just so resentful that the last conversation we had about our relationship, he told me that because all of my faults he couldn't be with me and other stuff and here it was just his way of ending our relationship so he could explore another one.
And I just can't get over how soon it has been! I want to call him and leave him a "congratulations on your new relationship" message but I really need to take the high road - I keep telling myself that over and over! The low road seems so much easier sometimes!!!!!
Keep the advice coming, ladies! I REALLY need it now!!!
....."While women try to clear the clutter before building another house/relationship, men try to build another "house" on top of the crumbled mess of their last "house."..... Just to clarify, this doesn't break along gender lines, it's not "men do this way" or "women do that way." Some *people* take their time and try to learn from a breakup, and others sweep everything under the rug and ignore what's happened, how they've contributed. Simple outcome of each of those is that the one who worked on themselves will have better and better relationships, and the one who doesn't is dooming themselves to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
The way you just described how that last conversation went seems to point exactly to what I just said, he's dooming himself to repeating the same mistakes over and over because he's not getting the clue that he's part of the problem, too. You on the other hand, keep working on healing yourself, and you'll eventually end up creating and having the best possible relationship for you and whomever your partner turns out to be.
Hugs, this crap is hard ;)
Oh wow, have I ever been there....and then some. The best advice I can offer is that this is short term. Your pain, his rebound, these issues. I know you two were together for a long time, and the thought of even trying to move on right now for you seems ridiculous. You need to know that this is normal and will not last forever. What he is doing is not, and definitely not healthy. I dated the ex for 3.5 years, lived with him for 2 and towards the end of it, when I desperately wanted counseling for him based on his issues, he just walked away from the relationship and started dating someone two weeks later while still living with me. He latched on to someone completely opposite of me - 8 years younger, right out of college with no master's degree or career, never had a serious relationship before, never questioned him on why he was flunking out of school and getting his car repossessed. At first, I couldn't even focus on anything, but when I got my bearings back I happily kicked him out of the house on the street with no money, and a lot of debt.
A lot of times people don't know how to have the relationship they are in. Resentment gets built up and communication breaks down. They think life is always better on the other side of the fence with someone new. Chances are, it will be all rainbows and flowers for awhile, just like my ex made it seem with his rebound. However, their issues seep into that relationship too - exactly like my ex's eventually did. There they are months later having the same arguments with a different female in the lead. I truly believe that people with deep-seeded problems are great at denial. They are able to just walk, not look back, and think that everything is someone else's fault - not theirs. If I'm not mistaken didn't he pretty much blame everything on you during your last conversation with him? I can't believe that in the 8 years you two were together he didn't do SOMETHING wrong that caused a breakdown in your relationship.
If I were you I would check out the resource section on the site, and find those books that focus only on you. How to get your great life back on track. I spent too much time trying to explain his random and horrible behavior not only towards me, but towards everyone he encountered both during the relationship and after. It was exhausting, and I hated it. He was toxic. I'm not, so in the end I chose to get to know myself again and learn why I didn't end it sooner. That helped a lot. Now I know exactly what I want in a relationship and from a man, and I will never look the other way when something doesn't feel right. Anybody that can move on like this and think nothing is their fault is not worth your precious time.
Please do not do anything stupid. You will feel so much better 6 months from now when you look back and think, "Wow, I handled that with grace". I can't totally claim that since I ditched a lot of his belongings in the garbage when he wouldn't come and get them, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I didn't kick the living s**t out of him or let any of my guy friends do the same. It was better to walk away and focus on me. I hope you do the same. I'm sure you are a great person, so having this loser out of your life will make it even better.
Good luck to you.
Car