I've finally had it - he is a jerk!
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I've finally had it - he is a jerk!
| Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:56am |
I have listened to all that has been said on this message board. I don't know why I thought my guy was an exception. He is playing me - and I have had it. I have read "He's scared, she's scared" and that has answered a lot of questions that I would have liked to direct at him but realize it isn't worth my time.
He is the one that called me Monday saying he wants us to "court/date again" - and the thing is action speaks louder then words. He hasn't bothered to make any effort to get together. To busy with his buddies & going out drinking and partying.
He is not the same man I thought I knew & I think his "fear" and "commitment issues" have made him lose any feelings he legitimately did have for me at one point. I know him well - better then he wanted me to I realize. I know he will continue his behaviour by going to bars & picking up woman for "one night stands". I won't sit back & have any part in that. He is a relationship junkie though - he dosn't like to be alone. So he will find another girl to sweep off her feet & the same thing that has happened to me will probably happen to her.
I am so beyond angry with him right now it is making me want to crawl out of my skin. I want to compose a letter to him & tell him how angry I am and why - but I know that will just prolong the end of this whole mess. It frustrates me because there is an amazing man burried deep beneath his exterior wall. His vulnerabilities and insecurities were endearing to me.
So now I have to decide if I deal with this head on or just stop answering my phone altogether. I am supposed to see him tomorrow - so I may still do that & tell him to his face that he is a selfish coward. He is at work today & I am not - otherwise I would go right now & confront him. But I am not going to throw him off at work - despite my anger right now that wouldn't be fair. I won't get into the details - but he turned my entire life upside down with his plans & promises & now I have to deal with the consequences and they are a very high price to pay.
He is the one that called me Monday saying he wants us to "court/date again" - and the thing is action speaks louder then words. He hasn't bothered to make any effort to get together. To busy with his buddies & going out drinking and partying.
He is not the same man I thought I knew & I think his "fear" and "commitment issues" have made him lose any feelings he legitimately did have for me at one point. I know him well - better then he wanted me to I realize. I know he will continue his behaviour by going to bars & picking up woman for "one night stands". I won't sit back & have any part in that. He is a relationship junkie though - he dosn't like to be alone. So he will find another girl to sweep off her feet & the same thing that has happened to me will probably happen to her.
I am so beyond angry with him right now it is making me want to crawl out of my skin. I want to compose a letter to him & tell him how angry I am and why - but I know that will just prolong the end of this whole mess. It frustrates me because there is an amazing man burried deep beneath his exterior wall. His vulnerabilities and insecurities were endearing to me.
So now I have to decide if I deal with this head on or just stop answering my phone altogether. I am supposed to see him tomorrow - so I may still do that & tell him to his face that he is a selfish coward. He is at work today & I am not - otherwise I would go right now & confront him. But I am not going to throw him off at work - despite my anger right now that wouldn't be fair. I won't get into the details - but he turned my entire life upside down with his plans & promises & now I have to deal with the consequences and they are a very high price to pay.

((((Hugs))))
What kind of answers did that book give you?
I am almost in exactly the same situation.
We do deserve so much better. Keep your head up!
He told me marriage was his ultimate goal & that he had always had an issue that his ex of 12 years wouldn't marry him despite having children together. In retrospect now I wonder if he had been the one to side step marriage and not her. He bought me diamonds for xmas, whisked me away on a week long Carribean vacation in January etc. He even pushed for me to spend time alone with his mom which we had done up till earlier this month. I spend full days at his parents while he was at work with his mom teaching me to cook.
Point is - I was blind sided by his recent slam on the brakes. We had started moving my stuff to his place & even thrown furniture of mine out because we were going to buy new furniture together once we officially moved in June. The book talks about mens behaviour like this and how it should be a warning sign instead of a positive one. He got to close to me and the book explains through the man's view about the panic he felt. And it made me feel better because I know I did nothing wrong and that it was never about his feelings for me - just his own unresolved issues. I actually have contemplated giving it to him for his birthday next week - but have to much anger today to think about doing anything nice for him.
The other book that helped me was "I used to miss him....but my aim has improved." It helps you get past the sadness and get on with the feeling that it is his lose, not yours.
The book is "I Used to Miss Him…But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide" and it is by Alison James. It's a good (and funny) book; I'd recommend it.
She also has a few other books that you might find interesting. Check out her website at www.improveyouraim.com
I just read your post on another board...it sounds like you are still very ambivalent about what to do with this guy.
The thing is, with c'phobes--they can't even commit to ENDING a relationship, so it won't be over until YOU say it's over. As I've been saying all along, you need to decide what YOU want, what the *minimum* is that he needs to do in order for you to stay in this relationship, and if he's not willing to meet it, then you need to cut things off and move on.
If you haven't gotten there yet, I'd urge you to read the very last section in "He's Scared, She's Scared" several times through (about ending a c'phobic relationship).
Sheri
hi mitchell
the only THING I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT your situation that you have right now is...."YOU LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU"...ONEDAY YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND THAT YOUR NOT TALKING TO HIM AND IF HE CALLS YOU. YOU STILL ANSWER HIS PHONE CALLS..DEAR LIKE I TOLD YOU YOUR WASTING YOUR TIME AND MAKING YOURSELF HURT MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY.
WHY DONT YOU JUST ACCEPT THE TRUTH, THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS TOTALLY OVER!!!
STOP WAITING FOR HIM TO CHANGE!!!
I KNOW YOU LOVE THIS GUY. BUT ATLEAST LET HIM SEE YOUR VALUE. COZ IF YOU STILL THERE FOR HIM NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES TO YOU. HE WONT KNOW YOUR VALUE FOR HIM...DONT YOU GET THAT?
LIKE I MENTION TO YOU BEFORE THIS IS ALL UP TO YOU...IF YOU THINK YOU COULD ACCEPT WHAT HIS DOING TO YOU YOU GO AHEAD...JUST MAKE YOURSELF HURT MORE AND MORE...ANYWAYS YOU LIKE IT THAT WAY RIGHT?
SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS BUT I JUST WANNA BE HONEST TO YOU....COZ WHAT YOUR EX'S DOING TO YOU ITS TOTALLY WRONG BUT YOU LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU. I'M JUST BEING CONSERVED AND READING YOUR POST HERE MAKING ME OR OTHER'S TO FEEL BUT ABOUT YOU.
GOOD LUCK
I actually did send Men Who Can't Love to the last psycho commitmentphobe in my life. It probably did no good, but I couldn't resist.
This was a guy who said he knew I was "perfect" for him in two weeks on the phone before he even met me. (He was long distance) He said he had never met anyone in his whole life as sweet as me, and he is 53 years old! He couldn't wait for me to meet his mom, and he said he wanted to come straight here and go down on one knee and ask my 87-year-old dad for my hand! Talk about nuts! I never even told my dad about him. My dad would have freaked! And after all that, flowers and many fancy restaurants, two trips, and really being as sweet as any guy could, vowing he would NEVER leave me, within six weeks from start to finish, he was gone!
"I Used to Miss Him" is a wonderful book, too!