i've got anniversary blues
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| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:45am |
it seems like last year is so far away. what im feeing now is a heavy sadness, a loneliness thats associated with being let-down and cast aside. im realizing that being a giving, loving, genuine person is not enough. my best was STILL not enough to save this. my eloquence escapes me and the word "disappointing" is hte only 1 i can really conjure up to express my feelings.
it seemed like my ex was everything i'd ever wanted. yet...he abandoned me. i feel like SO much time has passed sincelast summer, we both grew and changed so much that even by the time we were breaking up we were already older...(i mean, of course we wereolder, but you know what i mean). and now i feel like everything associated with him may as well havebeen years ago, becauseim so far removed from the carefree, live in the moment college girl that i was last summer.
i have all kinds of insecurities right now. im hurt,and im afraid to ever open up and let somebody in again. i know htastnormal and will fade with time. itslike when you're sick and you're starting to feel better, but if youdont continue to rest and rebuild your defenses you'll just get sick again because yourbody is more vulnerable. so i have to work on that rebuilding. and imterribly afraid my ex is with somebody new. i havent read his livejournal ina month, and althoughim curious i dont want to because no matter what i wont be happy with what i read.
when does it stop matterig what they think? when do we stop wondering, "hey, does he miss me? is he thinking of me?" why does it take so long to heal a broken heart? did i ever matter to him? did he ever love me? has he already started dating somebody new? when will i meet somebody who will truly be able to love me as completely as i love them?and when will i stop asking these questions?
thanks forreading ladies, i posted this mostlyfor my own venting/reflecting purposes...but your thoughts and support would be appreciated, as it has been for the past 4 months...you guys and this board have been such a comfort to me. thank you :)

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yeah it did sound like we were dating the same guy at some point didnt it--im sorry that your ex wasnt as expressive about his feelings for you. my ex was a writer, and he was very good about romancing me and making me feel good about myself. i know he remmebered our anniversary, although who knwos what he was thinking? my ex was always so tender and loving. he cooked for me whenever i stayed at his place (dinner AND breakfast) he sang to me (in a silly way, but it was cute) he bought me little trinkets (my favorite soda is moutnain dew, he'd randomly show up at work with a can for me). i mean cheap little things, but thoughtful nonetheless. he never failed to tell me i was beautiful whenever we were going out and i dressed up. and continued until early february, when i started to feel him getting distant...about 3 weeks later i brought it up over dinner--i asked him if he was okay. and suddenly he was like "im sorry, i think we shoudl break up"
...i mean thats whats making it SO hard fo rme to let go! i just feel like i have SO much worth holding on to...and it was all so abrupt and hard to believe...oh well, its all about time i guess....or at least i HOPE it is...
yeah i mean thats basically it, i cant imagine meeting somebody better than my ex. i know its possible, but i just cant. i was so attracted to him and so in love with him...could i EVER feel like that for somebody else?
i know i will. i know my feelings now are normal and its just a matter of time before somebody else persuades me to open up and love again.
and i know in the meantime i have to concentrate on myself and my own growth. but its so hard not to miss him, want him and need him...its not the same pain as it was in the beginning, but its still so lonely and empty without him...
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