I've Lost the Best Thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
I've Lost the Best Thing
4
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:26pm
I've been with my boyfriend a little less than 4 years. 4 months ago we bought a house together. We told each other that we saw us being together forever. That we wanted to marry each other. I have always had hard time with my self esteem. I come from a very abusive family. I yelled and screamed at him even when I knew I shouldn't have. I talked to him about it explaining to him why I was like this. That it wasn't about him, it was about the pain I was going through due to my childhood. I started counseling over a year ago. While in counseling my boyfriend and I we're doing so well. We both said how happy we were. He said he could see the changes in me. About 2 months I had a revelation that I was the happiest I have ever been. And it felt good. It felt good to know I was loved.

Once we bought the house I got so busy redecorating that I stopped seeing my counselor. My birthday came last month and I have never handled my birthday well. So my insecurities got the best of me. And no matter how much my boyfriend tried to make me happy, my yelling and screaming started again. Last weekend my boyfriend told me he is leaving me. He says he needs time to figure out what is best for him. He said that since the fighting started again, he is hurting too much. He hasn't slept at home since last Friday. He told me he thinks he should move his stuff out.

I am hurting so much. I haven't told my friends yet because I don't want this to be true. I am still holding on that he will see we are good together. I called my counselor back and started seeing him again this week. How foolish was I to stop seeing him. I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't stop crying. I am in so much pain. Can anyone help me? Please don't tell me I'm better off because I cant believe that. I pushed my boyfriend away. The truth is he will be better off. Not me. I am just hurting for a million reasons. For being so messed up. For hurting him so much. And for losing him. I don't even know what to do or think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:32am
Welcome to the board!!! I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I'm sure you thought you would be fine after not going to the counselor and I'm sorry to hear they weren't. Maybe if you talk to your ex or bf....whatever he is at this point and explain to him that you thought you'd be ok but since you know you aren't that you have started to see your counselor again and won't stop anymore. Tell him how much he means to you and you don't want to lose it. There is a chance he will come back but you have to be prepared for if he doesn't. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted and post whenever you need someone to talk to!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:42pm
Thanks, I did talk to my boyfriend (ex) and told him that I was going to work on my issues and I would do whatever it takes. But he told me he thinks it's too late. He doesnt know if we are worth it anymore. I know it just takes time but I just feel so alone. I can't believe how bad the pain is. I know I have to continue working on my issues anyway but I wish I could let him see that it could work between us. Any solutions on how to get through the pain?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:22am
Hi,

Just my $.02 but the way I slowly got through the pain when my bf dumped me was I tried very hard to keep my mind occupied. I read books, went to the mall, whatever it took to keep me away from home with only my thoughts and my four walls. Whenever he comes to mind, you need to quickly try to think about something else, hard I know but don't dwell on what was and what could have been, do not let him live rent free in your mind, it does nothing but damage you. My heart goes out to you and I hope that very soon you will start feeling better. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:56am
I wont tell you that youre better off alone- however it is probroly more positive that you are seeing your counselor right now because it sounds like you still have your own issues to work out before you get back into a relationship whether it be with him or somebody else. Alot of times people who come from abusive backrounds get something positive in their lives and they dont know how to react to it because they feel unworthy of it. Then they will subconciously pull away by arguing and abusing what they have. If this love is strong enough between the both of you I would highly recommend that if he comes back, you both seek counceling together. Your counselor should have recomended that aswell for the sake of your relationship earlier on. The men youre involved with should be just as much apart of your struggle with this as you are- if they love you. I wont tell you that you lost the best thing in your life because if you did, gods not doing his job. Everything happens for the best and maybe you just need to focus on you for a while- maybe that is all your boyfriend is telling you, so work on you now. Hope I helped in any way! stacy