I've made the decision for NC.....
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| Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:06pm |
Ok. I really need someplace to vent.
Here is my story. I met a girl I felt an instant attraction toward back in March. I even remember writing about the butterflies I felt when I first met her in a journal. When we met, she had just broken up with a guy she was in love with back in Jan and I was healing from the end of an on-off 2 year relationship as well. Anyway, over time, we became the best of friends. Talking to each other nightly for hours on end. Hanging out. Basically being each others' support network. I had always had feelings toward her and made them known fairly soon but she said she needed time to heal and wasn't ready to even think about a relationship.
Finally, in June, we kissed but still kept things on non-relationship terms. Talking cosntantly and hanging out but not taking it to the next level. She was feeling more healed, but not ready to take the next step. She mentioned in July that she she wanted to take the next step but I said I wasn't ready. It was the reverse situation a mere two weeks later with me ready to progress and her not wanting to change our status.
In Sept, we became intimate for the first time. From then on, we had all of the makings of a relationship but the title- sleeping over, spending every weekend together, talking daily. She still wasn't ready to call it a relationship though. In Oct, she said that she was ready to take it to the next level. Neither she nor I had been dating anyone else in this whole time span (since March) but I was pretty much overjoyed at the possibility. We both finally seemed in a place to commit. From this point, thing got a little weird. She has a lot of male friends and I would get annoyed with her talking about them and she complained that I started getting "clingy." I admit to being overly jealous and clingy at this time but it was only b/c I felt I had so much invested in the relationship at this point and the fact that we weren't "official" still annoyed me to no end. We talked about this but nothing really changed and we still remained w/ the "friends with benefits" title. Anyway, we still slept together, took trips together and did all of the normal relationship things but still without a label.
Her birthday is in mid Nov and we spent the birthday weekend at a romantic getway at the coast (she had a gift certificate) and it really seemed that things were going well for us. Again, she kept getting cold feet about moving it to the next level.
Finally, in the beginning of Dec (a little over a month ago) we had a big argument on a Friday night (I was going to stay over) and we "broke up" (if you can call it that since we were never official anyway). We talked the next day and went to a game together (had already bought tickets) and everything was great but we didn't do anything physical. I told her for the first time that I was in love with her and she said she just needed some time to seriously think about us and if she wanted to be in a relationship. We continue with the friends thing and two weeks pass- she has her answer. She doesn't want to be in a relationship but wants to be friends. She says I'm not "the one" and she doesn't think it would work in the long run b/c I'm too passive and clingy and that it's better to end things now so that we can each find "the one."
I pretty much blow up and say I don't think I want to stay in contact. She is upset with this and says, "can't we at least exchange christmas gifts." I backpeddle and stay in contact. We meet Xmas day and exchange gifts and I talk about us again. We kind of leave things ambiguous and leave with a kiss. The next day, she comes to my apartment and we're intimate and she stays over. I stay at her place on Friday. I'm thinking that maybe something will work out b/t us. No.....she says on Monday that her staying over was a mistake and that we can only be friends. WTF?!!!
Anyway, that was 3 weeks ago and I'm still a mess inside. Trying to stay friends but it's not working. We met for lunch today at her apartment and I told her that I still have strong feelings for her and that I can't be friends with her until I get over them (if ever) and sort of say "if there is any chance with us let me know now, otherwise, I think it's best we don't stay in contact." She basically says there's no chance and I leave (about 2 hours ago) in a huff......she says "call me when you feel ready."
How do I get over losing someone I thought was my best friend? A lot of my friends have moved on in life (with wives/sig others of their own or have moved far away) so I feel sooo alone right now. Is there any chance for a friendship with her? What the hell happened? How can you be best friends with someone, have romantic feelings for them, but not want a relationship? I feel so sick inside....to top it off, I have the bar exam coming up but I can't focus on anything. She's all I think about. I know it's sick and unhealthy but I really trusted my intution with her and I was soooo wrong.

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Your first priority is your Bar exam...but you don't need me to tell you that.
Second, this won't make you feel better (and it certainly didn't make me feel any better when I heard it), but you're not the only feeling rough. I, as well as many other people reading these boards have or are currently going through the same thing. I guess misery loves company...and that's (in some respects) why we frequent this messageboard.
I know how it's like to be so wrong about someone you care so much about. I know how it's like when it isn't reciprocal. You're lucky you only have a year into it. It took a lot longer for me until I decided to severe it completely and permanently. There are just some people you can't be friends with or at least not until for a very very long time.
Good luck.
::Is there any chance for a friendship with her?
Sure after a (long) period of healing. Until you no longer have romantic feelings for her.
What the hell happened?
Well, if you re-read your post, but reverse the he/she's in your story, most of us would say: You were a booty call. She felt comfortable with you. You saved her from being alone. You met her emotional needs, in the moment that SHE needed it. BUT it wasn't a two way street. You were the back-up plan, the in case I never meet anyone, I can hang out with him. The stringing you along. Add that to being clingy and you have a fatal combo.
::how can you be best friends with someone, have romantic feelings for them, but not want a relationship?
My guess is that she's either met someone else, or you weaned her enough to be on her own.
::but I really trusted my intution with her and I was soooo wrong.
Hmm, I won't say you were wrong, but I would say you saw the picture/relationship/situation the way you wanted to see it, instead of really seeing the mixed signals, her refusing to have a label and my guess is that you are more mad at yourself for not seeing the truth sooner. You were/are in love. It's hard to see the truth of something that goes against what you really, really want.
Everything you feel is normal. Sorry you have to go through this. You will have to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been. No contact is the best way to go at this point. Good luck on the bar exam.
Carrie
I have to laugh at the booty call reference b/c our relationship was really more about companionship/emotional support than the physical. Not to go into too much detail but sex was never a huge thing (although it was a part). I guess I can see it as an emotional booty call though and that she now feels strong enough to leave the safe little nest she had built with me so to speak.
I also don't know if she was really stringing me along...I think her feelings did just suddenly change when the reality of a relationship was thrown upon her and that sort of freaked her out. She was kind of on the fence the whole time about me and when I pressured her to make a decision, she bailed. She told me early on after meeting her that she wants the next person she has a relationship w/ to be "the one" and never to go through the pain of a breakup again b/c her last breakup was so bad. Yeah, completely unrealistic but I don't think she's ever really had time to greive her old relationship and I was just a nice distraction. And no, I'm almost 100% sure that nobody else is in the picture at this point.
Basically, I think it just came to the point where I wanted something more and she realized that I wasn't going to be that special person in her life. I really do question how she legitimately thinks this can transition so easily from intimate relations to good friends again. Does she have some sort of switch in her mind? It's not like I'm the one begging for attention, she does contact me and wants to be a "close friend."
Anyway, even though I can point out all of the evil things she's done I still feel a huge loss of my emotional support network- of my own doing- with the NC thing.
Still, I need to be resolved that NC is the best thing for me at this point- especially with the spectre of the bar exam overhead. I wish it were easy to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, she's all consuming right now. =(
::and wants to be a "close friend."
Of course she wants to continue with the emotional support. But that would allow her to continue to get all of her needs met, while you would get the constant reminder that you aren't going to get what you want.
Carrie
Think about something. You waited for her, right? You were honest and open, right?
Maybe she really just isn't relationship ready - and maybe she didn't know it.
My recent ex and I are the best of friends. I love him deeply, on a level that I never understood until the day I met him. However, we never should have taken it to the next level. I fell fast and hard for him - and he for me. Our relationship was passionate in terms of wanting to get to know everything about each other and to develop our common life.
The problem is that he was and is afraid of commitment. TO ANYTHING. I wanted commitment.
I'm a professional, I'm a single mom and I have what might seem to others to be a sad story. My first husband was/is a drug addict and I didn't know it until a year into the marriage. I loved him, but I had to walk away because I knew in my heart that I couldn't help him and that by trying I would only hurt me.
But the story isn't sad. It made me strong. It made me self-reliant. I never needed C to "save" me or play the white knight. I WANTED him to do it anyway... because he WANTED to and not because he felt like he HAD to. Sure, I would use him as a sounding board for things going on in my life... be translated that into I needed him to be my only emotional support. Not the case - but he wouldn't get to know my friends or family (after three years...) and so he had NO idea about the relationships I have with others.
But now... looking back on all of that I realize that what I miss the most is the day to day friend stuff... going to best buy on sunday afternoon to just look around *laugh* Going out for coffee and reading the comics... seeing movies... talking... taking walks together... giving him a hug for no reason and watching him get all uncomfortable.
You see, I have lost my best friend. More than losing someone I thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life laughing with... growing old with... raising children and sharing their accomplishments with... what I really lost in this break up is my best friend in the entire world.
Yes, I'm getting over the relationship and I'm taking it easy on me right now. I can't bear the thought of hearing his voice, but at the same time I want to know what he's up to. Not in a clingy g/f sense... but because I just wonder if he's done anything neat lately.
I don't think we will be able to remain friends. Not for a very long time. Because he hurt me so badly with no warning and without keeping to the core of our relationship - the honesty. I can't be friends with people who aren't honest. It doesn't have to be brutal... but I expect you to tell me the truth when I ask what's up. It was never what he said - and always what he didn't.
This too shall pass... and I will make new friends. Maybe someday I will find someone else who lights up my life the way C did... and maybe someday I'll get the knight I've waited for... not because I NEED him... but because he WANTS me to know that although I don't NEED him - he loves me back.
I wish you the best. NC is hard... but stick to it and you're going to be just fine.
*hugs*
Thanks everyone for the comments and support.
Last night was rough. I keep hoping that she'll "come to her senses" and realize what a great thing she's passing up......but I know deep down that she's 100% made up her mind.
Of course, before the NC decision I pretty much humilated myself by begging for something to work b/t us (this has happened before since Dec) and she stood resolute in her decision. But after this final "no" I said, "fine, then to be honest, I'm not at a point where I can be friends with you so I think it's best to not stay in contact until I'm completely ready to move on."
I basically said, this is the last chance of anything b/t us and she passed. Now I feel that I've regained some power I've been so desparately missing by instituting NC. I just need to be strong and acually follow through with the decision.
I know it's childish, but I kind of want her to feel at least a little bit of the longing and pain I feel re: our situation. But I really need to stop focusing on her and make the next 60 days completely about me (easier said than done though).....
Ha!! THIS is exactly what I feel right now. HE still wants me in his life, on his terms. Our relationship was never on OUR terms. It was always about his needs and his comfort and his timing... I WAITED.
And now it's no longer fair to ask me to WAIT?!? I made the decision to wait a long time ago, and I was not sorry. But then... bam... I don't want you to wait for me. I want to be friends. BS.
Yes, of course I would love to keep him in my life as my friend. However, I don't like having friends who aren't honest with me - and he never really was.
Someday in the future, we may run into each other sometime... have dinner and reminice. That doesn't mean I will ever be his support network or anywhere in it. I'm done... I give up.
He actually send me some messages last night about his brother getting a divorce and his mom and the kids and... and well what I wanted to say was I'm sorry - but you don't care about me enough to want to be with me and you need space and time... so TOO bad. Deal with it, because YOU are no longer MY problem.
I didn't say that... I said... sometimes things just aren't meant to be and that's why you have to take things one day at a time and realize the things you can control. This is not one of them. I then signed off.
I just wish I didn't miss him so much as my friend... but I don't WANT to be his friend. I WANTED to be his everything. I can get new friends... I can't take back the three+ years that I feel were wasted by what I thought was a real relationship.
ok, here comes the anger again.... go figure :)
Good luck and move on...
"Our relationship was never on OUR terms. It was always about his needs and his comfort and his timing... I WAITED.
And now it's no longer fair to ask me to WAIT?!? I made the decision to wait a long time ago, and I was not sorry. But then... bam... I don't want you to wait for me. I want to be friends. BS."
Wow, these words could have come right from my own mouth. She needed time to heal and I was more than willing to wait it out with her b/c I was under the impression that we had something special.....she took and took and gave a little back from time to time....just enough to keep me thinking hope is alive I guess. Then, when I finally think she's healed....bam, this isn't really going to work out in the long run. Worse yet, she criticizes me for giving too much and not standing up for myself. Huh? You sure seemed to appreciate everything I was doing when you were at your lowest.
"I just wish I didn't miss him so much as my friend... but I don't WANT to be his friend. I WANTED to be his everything. I can get new friends... I can't take back the three+ years that I feel were wasted by what I thought was a real relationship."
YES! You summed it up exactly......I just feel a lot of anger at the moment. My characteristics are great "friend" material to her (ie. someone you can use) but just not worthy of commitment. Looking at relationships past that have failed, I guess my fault is that I'm attracted to women who are intelligent, independent and strong-willed who like to test me and I usually give in way too easily. The result is that they can't respect me. But I never view relationships as a power struggle or a testing game. I give and give and I expect the same of my partner. Weren't the games supposed to end after my early-mid 20s? I guess I just need to stand up for myself more. I'm not aggressive by nature and yet I'm attracted to women who are.....
"Worse yet, she criticizes me for giving too much and not standing up for myself. Huh? You sure seemed to appreciate everything I was doing when you were at your lowest."
hee hee hee
Yeah. I'm a giver. He said I gave too much and tried to hard. All I wanted to do was to grow as a person and become better. I'm a traditionalist I guess... I think I should have been born in the 30s, because the 1950's lifestyle appeals to me. I am willing to work, to be strong and independent. But I'm horribly shy. I like people - but they scare me sometimes :) I wanted to be a stay at home mom... that never meant that I would work from home. I have a business that gives me the capability to do that, however I work f/t as well for the benefits.
I'm a strong and independent woman - but I'm not a bitch. *laugh* I guess that's what he thought I would be? Or he thought I should be? He tried to change me... but at the same time tried to make me weak.
I don't have any problem relying on someone else when I need to - emotionally and on a friendship level. But I don't want the man I'm with to be with me because he feels like he HAS TO BE. I want it to be something where he knows that I CAN take care of myself if I need to, but that I'm more than willing to be taken care of too.
As for the friendship thing... He tells me... you're my best friend, and a wonderful lady but our lives are going in different directions. *puzzle* I REALLY thought we were headed in the same direction. I don't like being told that I'm a great friend...after THREE years. It just doesn't sit well with me.
I am a good friend. But I sometimes just don't understand.
I too have been taking a look back at other failed relationships. My ex-husband was an addict. I didn't know, because I was very naive and young. I take responsibility for enabling him, and for trying to fix him. When I came to realize that I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it and wasn't responsible for it... I left. That was hard.
This was my first long term relationship post divorce. I wouldn't call it a rebound - because there were other interests here and there...
I'm angry too. But, I think sometimes that the anger is more directed at me. I had doubts over the last year. I never voiced them. I should have. He would have ended it sooner if he had known that I was questioning things.
Oh... It's not your fault that women test you. My ex did that. He never ASKED me... he'd ask leading questions and make leading statements but he would NEVER come out and just ASK me what I thought. He made the decisions.
I want a strong guy who is secure in honesty and is willing to risk being honest and hearing the truth. Heaven knows that I have learned to express my feelings better in the future. And, I always cherish the little things... stupid things like one day he sharpened my pencils for me when I was working on something and that made my week...
Oh well. I hope that there is someone out there who can appreciate ME for ME... someone who doesn't want me to change for them. Maybe for me... but not for them.
Hang in there!!!
It was short w/ a subject line of " =-/ " asking if my class was canceled tonight b/c of the snow storm we had here. Although a big part of me wants to respond and repeat the request for N/C unless she's changed her mind about us I haven't sent anything back. Is this the best course? If she really wanted to have a serious talk she'd say more than that knowing where I'm at right now, correct? Should I just wait this out?
I feel a little victorious/in control in a way right now for the first time in a looong time and I'd hate to give that feeling away again.
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