I've made the decision for NC.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
I've made the decision for NC.....
13
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:06pm

Ok. I really need someplace to vent.
Here is my story. I met a girl I felt an instant attraction toward back in March. I even remember writing about the butterflies I felt when I first met her in a journal. When we met, she had just broken up with a guy she was in love with back in Jan and I was healing from the end of an on-off 2 year relationship as well. Anyway, over time, we became the best of friends. Talking to each other nightly for hours on end. Hanging out. Basically being each others' support network. I had always had feelings toward her and made them known fairly soon but she said she needed time to heal and wasn't ready to even think about a relationship.
Finally, in June, we kissed but still kept things on non-relationship terms. Talking cosntantly and hanging out but not taking it to the next level. She was feeling more healed, but not ready to take the next step. She mentioned in July that she she wanted to take the next step but I said I wasn't ready. It was the reverse situation a mere two weeks later with me ready to progress and her not wanting to change our status.
In Sept, we became intimate for the first time. From then on, we had all of the makings of a relationship but the title- sleeping over, spending every weekend together, talking daily. She still wasn't ready to call it a relationship though. In Oct, she said that she was ready to take it to the next level. Neither she nor I had been dating anyone else in this whole time span (since March) but I was pretty much overjoyed at the possibility. We both finally seemed in a place to commit. From this point, thing got a little weird. She has a lot of male friends and I would get annoyed with her talking about them and she complained that I started getting "clingy." I admit to being overly jealous and clingy at this time but it was only b/c I felt I had so much invested in the relationship at this point and the fact that we weren't "official" still annoyed me to no end. We talked about this but nothing really changed and we still remained w/ the "friends with benefits" title. Anyway, we still slept together, took trips together and did all of the normal relationship things but still without a label.
Her birthday is in mid Nov and we spent the birthday weekend at a romantic getway at the coast (she had a gift certificate) and it really seemed that things were going well for us. Again, she kept getting cold feet about moving it to the next level.
Finally, in the beginning of Dec (a little over a month ago) we had a big argument on a Friday night (I was going to stay over) and we "broke up" (if you can call it that since we were never official anyway). We talked the next day and went to a game together (had already bought tickets) and everything was great but we didn't do anything physical. I told her for the first time that I was in love with her and she said she just needed some time to seriously think about us and if she wanted to be in a relationship. We continue with the friends thing and two weeks pass- she has her answer. She doesn't want to be in a relationship but wants to be friends. She says I'm not "the one" and she doesn't think it would work in the long run b/c I'm too passive and clingy and that it's better to end things now so that we can each find "the one."
I pretty much blow up and say I don't think I want to stay in contact. She is upset with this and says, "can't we at least exchange christmas gifts." I backpeddle and stay in contact. We meet Xmas day and exchange gifts and I talk about us again. We kind of leave things ambiguous and leave with a kiss. The next day, she comes to my apartment and we're intimate and she stays over. I stay at her place on Friday. I'm thinking that maybe something will work out b/t us. No.....she says on Monday that her staying over was a mistake and that we can only be friends. WTF?!!!
Anyway, that was 3 weeks ago and I'm still a mess inside. Trying to stay friends but it's not working. We met for lunch today at her apartment and I told her that I still have strong feelings for her and that I can't be friends with her until I get over them (if ever) and sort of say "if there is any chance with us let me know now, otherwise, I think it's best we don't stay in contact." She basically says there's no chance and I leave (about 2 hours ago) in a huff......she says "call me when you feel ready."

How do I get over losing someone I thought was my best friend? A lot of my friends have moved on in life (with wives/sig others of their own or have moved far away) so I feel sooo alone right now. Is there any chance for a friendship with her? What the hell happened? How can you be best friends with someone, have romantic feelings for them, but not want a relationship? I feel so sick inside....to top it off, I have the bar exam coming up but I can't focus on anything. She's all I think about. I know it's sick and unhealthy but I really trusted my intution with her and I was soooo wrong.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:17pm

My thought for what it's worth is that an email like that is her checking up on you. That could be her way of starting a friendly conversation - or her way of trying to make sure you are ok. Remember that the two of you had a relationship... that means that she cares about you. That doesn't just go away....bam!

I got an email tonight too... I waited and waited and then opened it. It wasn't worth reading... lol I deleted it and didn't respond. PART of me WANTED to... but you know the way I have to think right now is that IF he wanted to be my friend then he WOULD not have surprised me with a break up... He would have TALKED to me first!!!!! hello!!

sorry... bitter. not really actually.

Maybe I'm totally off base here but my thinking is that if he wants me as a friend he has to EARN my friendship and trust. It will be a VERY long time before I'm ready to let him into my secret garden again... if ever. I have friends who deserve to hold the key. Right now, he just isn't one of them.

Every situation is different... but I'm not ready to be his friend and here about how wonderful everything is for him now that he doesn't have to consider me and three kids in any decisions that he makes. I just got SO tired of hearing... I want to do X, and because of you and the kids I can't.... I never said he couldn't do anything. In fact, I always encouraged him to follow his dreams no matter what they were. I was willing to put mine on hold so he could pursue his... and that is ok with me because life is supposed to be about compromise. And, love is supposed to be about compromise.

I've been learning so much these past two weeks about myself, and what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do... And, quite honestly although we had a good relationship it really just wasn't the right one for me and I see that now.

heartbreaking sometimes... relief others if that makes sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:43pm

send me your strength. I replied to his email and it turned nasty.

grrr....

no contact... no contact...

why am I so GOOD at giving advice and so lousy at taking it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 12:03am

You're not weak. You're human.
I contacted her a bit ago to see if she was ok (we had a big snow storm and I knew she was stranded at home and would be for at least tomorrow as well) and to let her know I was ok.
I could tell she wanted to talk more....that she missed her friend......we chatted for a bit but I said, "This is hard for me, but I'm still serious about yesterday, I was just checking to see if you're ok."
We ended at a humourous logjam. I said, "you can call me if you change your mind" and she said "you can call ME if you change your mind about being friends."
We were both laughing when we said this but we were both serious (or at least I was). Anyway, it wasn't an unpleasant convo in any way and I still think I saved face but nothing really seems to have changed from yesterday other than that I can tell she seems nervous about the prospect of not having me in her life anymore.

Anyway, sorry to hear about your situation. I guess it serves as a warning for being serious about NC......Do you have strict boundaries drawn about what is acceptable vs unacceptable contact? IE- emergency- yes, possible reconciliation- yes, otherwise- no? If so, why does he not respect thouse boundaries?
It will be better....just have faith in that and be strong.....your kids deserve the very best and it sounds like he was never willing them to make them a priority.

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