I've moved on, he can't....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
I've moved on, he can't....
2
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 9:17pm
Hello.
My situation is somewhat of a complicated one. Seven months ago, I met a man with whom I worked. I wasn't initially attracted to him because, physically, he really isn't what I'm attracted to. In getting to know him (he actually trained me on my new job), I became attracted to his intelligence and sense of humor. After two months, he told me that he was attracted to me and that he wanted to get to know me better outside of work. I expressed to him that I'd like that and, jokingly, asked him if he was married. Turns out the joke was on me: he was married and living with his wife. Instead of backing away right then and there, I actually allowed him to explain his "situation": his marriage was technically over and he was just living there until the house sold." I told him that I didn't want to get involved with a married man, no matter what the "sitution"; however, my actions said something completely different. We would hang out a lot; it actually got to be smothering for me because he began to over compensate for living with his wife by spending every moment with me. I told him that we were moving too fast and needed to slow down; I told him that I felt smothered. Again, my actions didn't match with my words because I ended up sleeping with him. I really regret that, sleeping with a married man. I told him that it couldn't happen again; however, it did and I got pregnant. When that happened, I broke it off. I knew that I was going to terminate the pregnancy and I did. He was devastated because I cut him off. I just knew that I didn't want to be with him. There were so many reasons: he was married, living with his wife; he began show signs of being controlling; he was 14 years my senior and I felt like we were two different people. I feel ashamed to say this, but it didn't really take me long to move on from him. Having to terminate the pregnancy was what affected me most.
Now, three months since I terminated the pregnancy, things between us have been strange. I've completely moved on. I'm seeing someone else, someone I've known for quite a while. I was fine until the guy I cut off told me today that he can't get over me. He said that he doesn't know what to do and that he'd give anything to have me as his girlfriend again. Now, I feel horrible for having moved on. He doesn't know that I'm seeing someone else. I've moved, and didn't tell him b/c he's the type to show up unannounced. I just feel so guilty for moving on. What do I say to him?


Edited 12/27/2005 9:25 am ET by rivegauche25
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:58am

rivegauche25...

Pianoguy thinks you have 2 DIFFERENT ISSUES to address:

1. Completely getting past the termination of your pregnancy and consider that 'chapter of your life' over! .

and

2. Making it very clear to the man who is still CRAZY FOR YOU (quoting Madonna's tune here) that there's absolutely no way the 2 of you "will ever have a future together!" You may 'work together'----but future social events are O-U-T!

Since you have moved on and have chosen a new person to spend your time with...STOP looking backwards!

Besides...how can you feel 'guilty' dumping a man who is STILL MARRIED to another woman?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:25am
Thank you for replying. I agree that I am bothered by the circumstances that led up to the termination of the pregnancy. Yes, I hate the fact that I got involved with a married man and allowed him to persuade me with an "explanation of his situation". That's not me. I felt like a bad person for moving on from that and moving on to someone else. The truth is that I never really had strong feelings for the man who got me pregnant. It was a mistake and I'm over it. Now, I just have to get over the guilt I feel because I'm over it.
Thanks again.