Just Broke Up 4 days ago, Need Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Just Broke Up 4 days ago, Need Support
24
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:46pm

I just broke-up with my boyfriend 4 days ago, I’m dying to call him, but I have to find the strength not to for my own dignity. I feel like a drug-addict who is having withdrawal symptoms, can’t eat, sleep, can’t work and I have my own business, and constantly thinking about nothing but his sad ass. Went to my doctor yesterday got a higher dose of antidepressants and Ambien a sleeping pill so I don’t get up middle of the night and think of him, and xanax to relax me, because I have a knot in my stomach the size of mexico.

I wish they sold a pill we can take and with-in 24 hours forget about our ex-boyfriends, don’t give a damn about them, “oh he’s dead” I’m sorry to hear but I don’t really care. And we can all move on with our lives and not have a care about them in the world.

The old saying time heals all wounds, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, it embedded in my brain, I am sick of hearing it to.

Today and the last 4 days feel like it’s been 4 months if I can’t get through this week without calling him, I will feel like superwoman.
I would love support and feedback from you great women, I do not want to call my friends and hear I been telling you he is a jerk.

This Saturday, I bought a great book you should get it to called
“It’s Called a Break-Up because it’s broken” by Greg Behrendt. It has really helped me so much and I promise with all my heart and soul it will help you. There is a chapter on “NOT CALLING HIM” which that part helped me soooo much. Say’s if you call him, you will delay getting over him, lose your power and take longer to get over him.

Any other books you women would recommend on break-ups?

Paris888

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:51pm
I don't know any books. But if your "friends" are FRIENDS, they won't do the "I told you so". Perhaps, preface the conversation with, "I really need your support right now, and please don't say I told you so". If they still do it, heck, drop them too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:58pm

My ex-boyfriend completely blindsided me right before Thanksgiving and having learned from past break-ups I vowed I would cut off my right hand before I dared contact him be it phone or e-mail. I read It's Called A Break-up and another good book is one called Bittergirl. Some people recommend Don't Call That Man. I haven't read that one but I'm sure it's good.

Here is a trick that has helped me. In your copy of It's Called A Break-up..use a yellow highlighter and higlight all the parts that say why you shouldn't call him, so anytime you get the urge first pick-up that book and read those passages again and again until the urge passes--and it will!

In the meantime just get out there and have some fun!!

You will get through this. It will be 30 days for me on Monday and I'm I have to say I'm doing pretty darn good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:33pm
When my ex broke up with me, I immediately gave my cell phone to my roommate so that way I wouldn't call or text him. I also kept myself off the internet (I literally disconnected it) so that way I wouldn't email him or anything. It did help a little, and it felt kind of good to be disconnected like that. For the first week, I didn't do anything; I was like a zombie. It's now been a little over three weeks, and if I get the urge to contact him, I write out a text message (or email) and just save it. This way I get what I want to say out, and not contact him. I found talking to my family and friends was helpful, but now I feel like I'm more bothering them than anything. Only one of my friends has gone through what I am now, and she's decided to tell me about how wonderful her relationship is now, so she's not the best person. I was trying to do it on my own, but obviously that wasn't working, so I came here. Looks like this is a great board!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:48pm

Dear Paris: I'm with you girl! Hang in there. I know it's tough, but you can do it. Go out with your friends and occupy yourself with A LOT of things to do. Trust me, keeping busy is the trick to keeping yourself from calling him.

I read a book called "Letting Go"...I wish I knew who the author was but it's a 12 week process in getting over someone. It's helped me to become a stronger woman and it's helped a couple of my friends get over their ex's.

Good luck to you and keep doing what you're doing...reread that part of your book "not calling him"...keep rereading it and digest exactly why you are not going to call him. There's a good reason why you shouldn't call and you already know the reason. Also, write down why you broke up and what you value the most out of a "good" relationship. That will help you clarify the reasons why you shouldn't be together. You're on the right track to getting over him once and for all.

Best of luck!

GH

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:26pm

Thanks IRET513,

Thanks so much for your support, Today is day # 5 almost did not want to get out of bed, but I did, I have a lot of work to do today. I almost texted him this morning, but still have the whole day.
30 Days !!!! You are my hero. How did you do it? Please tell me your secret. You mean no texting or e-mailing? Did he try to call or contact you? How was the first week? Was is death? Please tell me how you got through the first week? I would greatly appreciate it.

You are not 100% right 1000%, I should cut off my right hand to, if I call the SOB. How is the BittrtGirl Book? Is it a must read?
I found another book “Letting Go” yesterday, but some of the replies I got from support replies, mentioned it too.

Amazing idea you said that about highlighting, the whole part in the book where don’t call, I am going to re-read that part and highlight.

Paris888

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:37pm
paris, here is a little of my story: 2 1/2 year relationship, got broken up with and then when he decided the conversation was done, i wasn't allowed to say another word. i called like crazy for 1 day and then decided/realized that 1) this was only pushing him further away and 2) i needed to take back the power and in order to do that it meant NO CONTACT. at all. i am about 80 days in and i can say it gets better. but, i can honestly say that i would not be better if i had been contacting him. about 6 weeks ago, he started contacting me again and is relentless. he won't stop, and i am ignoring as best i can. it feels good and i know i am not ready to see or talk to him, and why should this be on his terms anyway. so please remember, i can tell you with 100% certainty that you must avoid contact. the first 2 weeks i literally didn't know how i was going to go on, it took everything i had to get out of bed, shower and go to work. i didn't eat or sleep at all and cried nonstop. i can't say how i got through it, i just did--i talked on the phone a lot, looked up stuff on the internet, read books (like the ones you mentioned) and went on walks by myself to get out of the house. then after a little time it got a teeny bit better...and i think it has every day since. sure, there are setbacks, some big ones, i spent this weekend pretty darn sad. but the best thing you can do for yourself is get on with your life. good luck to you, i know you can do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 1:49pm

paris888,

I had absolutely no contact, and my ex has not contacted me...Thank God!! The first week was hard but I have a supportive family and friends who have been there for me--and even if you don't feel you can talk to your friends just vent on this board, that is what it is here for. I am also a big runner so I have put a lot of energy back into that and that helps with the anger. You should definitely go for any form of excercise and focus on work.

I think my secret is that while I love my ex, I love myself more. I have learned from past break-ups where I called everyday pleading and trying to prove why we shouldn't break-up--that never works. It's like the old saying, "That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."

Bittergirl is good because it is smart and funny too just like "It's Called a Break-up" Any book that is practical and makes you laugh is a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 4:37pm

Hang in there Chickie and you bought one of the best books on the market for people like us who are going through or have been through a break-up. I read that book just days after getting blindsided dumped by my ex and 6 months later, I still pick it up and read through some chapters. The first month is going to totally suck to no end so the best thing to do is keep yourself busy. I was an emotional wreak right after getting dumped, like you couldn't sleep, eat, and I cried A LOT. Crying actually helps the healing process because you are letting your emotions out instead of keeping them in. I leaned on my girlfriends and family more than ever and still do at times. You are going to go through a lot of emotions during this time and for me, anger was the most difficult to overcome (I still have issues with it) but keep up the good work of NC. If you have to, throw away everything that he ever gave you or anything that reminds you of him. Delete his phone number out of your phone, throw away his address, and do not drive by his house. The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself because you are number one right now, not him.

Good luck with your healing and we are all here for you and know what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 1:00am
Hang in there Paris888, it's hard in the beginning. When you feel as though you want to call him, remind yourself why you broke up with him because sometimes we get caught in the moment in which we forget why we ended the relationship. If he contacts you don't return the contact. Get involved in activities with family and friends to keep busy. I was in a two-year relationship that I broke off in July because the last year of the relationship turned bad (boyfriend had a drinking problem that got worse and he was a jerk with me to make a long story short). After I broke up with him he tried calling me once a month to ask me if I was coming back, I didn't return his phone calls, and one time in October he came by my house when I was home (brought me a couple of small gifts), and the last time he contacted me was on Thanksgiving asking me if I was coming back, I told him no, to move on and not wait for me because I am not coming back and ended phone call. I gave him chance after chance to seek help on his drinking and still up to this date he is still in denial, doesn't get it in why I broke up with him. I had to throw everything away he gave me including pictures we had taken to get over him - out of sight, out of mind thinking. Every now and then I do miss the good times, but not enough to go through the crap he put me through (at the end of the relationship I could not sleep, sick to my stomach, throwing up, and bad headaches) - I would say that was my body's way of telling me to get out because I was giving this guy a chance. I am very glad that I ended the relationship this final time (had been on and off again 3 times prior). I am very content being single right now, sick-free, and enjoying myself doing the things I used to do, and every now and then remind myself it wasn't my fault he was a jerk with me. At the end of December it will be 6 months that I have not contacted him. We had a trip planned to Maui in October - I went on the trip by myself and had the time of my life - I know if he was with me, I would have been miserable. We need to love ourselves for who we are, we are worth it, and deserve the best. We don't have to be in a relationship to be whole, happy, and function. We need to accept ourselves as we are. I wish you well and when you get the urge to call, remind yourself why you are not with him. Take the time to cry and grieve the breakup.

Anna

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 7:42am

Hang in there girl!! My ex decided he wanted to see other people and I told him I couldn't handle that. I was the crazy ex, calling and emailing - against the very smart advice of my family, friends and therapist! I finally woke up and stopped contacting him. It's been 23 days of no contact on my side and he has made no effort to contact me (even though he told me he still wanted to date me as well as the other girls). I am sure he is shocked I have not made contact.

I consider It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken my bible. I regularly pick it back up and read the reasons not to call. I have also made a list of the reasons why he was not good for me and everytime I remember something else, I add it to that list and re-read what I have already written. I was like you for the first week or so. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't focus. Surround yourself with a support system, keep busy and do something for yourself. You will have good and bad days. The holidays don't help but you will get thru this. This board is a great way to get help and know you are not alone! Hugs

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