Just broke up and it hurts so much....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Just broke up and it hurts so much....
16
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:06am

Hello all. I don't know where to begin, so I guess I will just start writing.

My b/f and I have been going out for 11 months. He is 48, I am 44. He has 6 kids, I have one. He works nights, I work days. He has weekends off, Fri and Sat nights, most of the time. We live close, so on my way home from work I would stop by every night and see him. Since I was always at his house, I got to know his kids pretty well. 1 lives with him, 1 is always there, and the others live with their Mom but they would come over. He would never make the time to get to know my son. We were always at his house, he never came here unless to pick me up and he would wait for me in the car. True, my son goes out (he is 16) but what about making time to get to know him? Lately I have been feeling that I am not a priority to him. Yes, we love each other and that was understood, but the time we got to spend together was due to me stopping there, he never made an effort to come here. On the weekends he would never get up early to spend the day together, he would call when he got up and say, are you coming over?

I truly love this man and would have married him tomorrow. We talked about marriage and he had told me a while back that he needs to be 100% sure.

Sometimes he has to work Friday or Saturday nights, and I sometimes do get a bit upset.

this past Saturday he calls me at 3 and tells me he has to work that night. I did get upset because it just seemed unusual that he got called in, in the middle of the afternoon. We didnt see each other before he went to work because he was busy doing stuff for his son and then I just got disgusted and said no I wasnt coming over.

When he called yesterday I told him how I have been feeling. I don't feel that I can talk to him sometimes because when I do, he gets mad at me or says, you know how I feel. Last week I mentioned to him before he went into work that I was thinking of getting another apartment, he then said I have to go into work, I said ok bye. Well because of the way he said I said bye, he wouldnt return my call the next day, when he finally did, he was cold to me for 3 days until I finally said one night, what is going on.

I told him yesterday about how I have been feeling that I am not important to him, that everything comes before me. I totally understand that his kids will come first, that is a given, but between everything else, I feel I am at the bottom. I told him how I feel about him not making time to get to know my son. I told him how much I love him, and he knows that, I have been there for him in so many ways, I told him that I would have married him tomorrow.

He goes, well I have been having second thoughts about marrying you since everytime I have to work weekends you get an attitude. what would happen if we were married? I just said well I guess there isn't anymore to say, goodbye, and I hung up.

I wasn't about to tell him that if we were married and he got called into work, the situation is different. We are living together, you come home to me, etc. And I dont get upset everytime he has to work weekends. Sometimes I get upset due to the fact he tells me at the last minute.

I never heard back from him and I guess I never will. What was I suppose to say after he just told me he was having second thoughts about marrying me? I felt there was nothing more to say. He has just pushed that knife deeper into my heart, I didnt want to start crying on the phone.

The hardest part is I do love him so much and this hurts. How do I start healing?

Sorry this was long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:23am
I can see why you'd be upset about what he said about having second thoughts about marrying you. It's good that you told him how you were feeling about everything. It's good to be honest and let the other person know that there are some things bothering you. I am a believer that if someone really loves you and wants to be with you, they are not just going to let you go. He may be upset that you hung up on him, so you may want to call him back. You could try to talk about things again and tell him what you feel and listen to how he feels. It never hurts to try and work things out. If he does not want to continue with the relationship, then you will have to accept that and move on. It's not fun being with someone who doesn't want the same thing as you. But at least you can say you tried. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:09am

Your letter could have been written by me. I was also involved with someone with kids. He had full custody of his two and I had custody of my two. It made it very difficult to spend alot of time together although we talked a few times a day. The problem is when you see so little of someone it's difficult to move the relationship to the next level. Like you I love this man and wanted to build a life with him. I was willing to take the risk that spending more time together would strengthen our relationship.

Eventually though I started feeling like I wasn't enough of a priority. In fact I sometimes felt like he would rather do other tings on the weekend. I confronted him with my feelings and got the usual "maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship". I said well I am and I left. We're still communicating so maybe there is a chance of reconcillation, but only if things really change and he's willing to put more effort in.

I think the fact that we both confronted this head on will help us move on faster. We weren't willing to take crumbs and just be happy. Yes I still miss our ex, but I'm also proud of the way I handled things and you should be proud too.

As the cliche says, nothing but time will heal, but in the meantime feel good about how you handled everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:14pm

here is a good read for anyone suffering from a broken heart. I bought it soon after my ex and I broke up and it helped me so much just getting through the first few days, with plenty of recommendations and food-for-thought. Just don't judge the book by it's title.

How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life (Paperback)
by Howard Bronson, Mike Riley
Price: $9.97 on Amazon.com

copy & paste the link for an excerpt.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/B0000691QD/ref=sib_dp_bod_ex/102-8057411-4532156?ie=UTF8&p=S00Q#reader-link

Good luck, Caringone. My heart goes out to you.

*hugs*
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:13pm
Jennifer,
I read this book too and would recommend it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:23pm

Thank you all.

I guess what really hurts me is that when he said he was having second thoughts about marrying me, and me saying I guess there is nothing else to say, goodbye, that he didnt call me back, he didnt try to keep the relationship.

It makes me realize that he is ok with this being over. That hurts so much. I just don't know how to deal with it.

I never thought it would come to this, I saw us married one day. What a fool I am, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:41pm

no, you're not a fool! You just took a chance, let your heart open, and you loved. And pity anyone who doesn't appreciate who you truely are. I'm sorry that it had to end this way, and yes, it's going to hurt for a while, but anyone who doesn't care to make time for you in his life and appreciate your love for all its worth, is most definitely not worth your time. As you said you were always accomodating him, and he never to you, so it's time for you to reclaim your heart and move on.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:00pm

Thank you Jennifer for those kind words.

This is so hard, I feel as if my heart is ripping out me. I was so so all day at work, and now that I am home, the tears just wont stop.

It just kills me to know that I didn't mean anything to him. If I did, he would have come back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 8:30am

I am having a really hard time with this. I knew it would be hard, but I didnt think it would be killing me as much as it is.

Any suggestions on how to handle this better? I am a wreck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:10pm

Yeah, breakups are hard! Unfortunately there's really no getting around that.

The best thing you can do right now is to focus on your son and your job, and on having no contact with your ex. What you're aiming for is to put together days of no contact--the longer the string is, the closer you'll be to getting over him.

It takes three things to get over someone: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you weren't right for each other. For now, focus on no contact--time will take care of itself, and acceptance comes later in the process.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:18pm

first thing to do is to breathe.

The next few days are going to be the toughest, as you go through a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from anger, to grief, to despair, to liberation. My advice to you is this... let it out and have a good cry. scream, yell, kick or punch a pillow, if necessary. just let it out. BUT, and I must emphasize this, do not, in any way, try to contact him and if he calls you, don't answer. Anyone living through this phase is not able to think coherently, so give yourself a few days before even thinking about regaining contact. Surround yourself with your support group, you'll know who are your truest friends by those who'll stick around and help you through this.

So you're in shock - and right now what you are experiencing is akin to anyone in the first few days trying to shake of a severe addiction. Several psychological studies have confirmed that the newly heartbroken experience the same hormonal flucuations in their brains that affect moods, as anyone suffering withdrawal from an addictive substance. (read Helen Fisher's "Why We Love") So be comforted in the fact Caringone, that a lot of what you're feeling is completely normal.

If it is possible for you, I would recommend visiting a counsellor. You're first reaction might be that "my problems are not BAD enough for counselling" but counselling can really help you through this transition if you want it. Note that there are several different types of mental health services and you might have to "shop" for the practictioner who is right for you. Afterall, you have to feel completely comfortable and willing to talk with him or her. I would also recommend buying the book I mentioned in an earlier post.

Eventually, once the emotions have calmed and you're better able to think, you'll have to assess your situation completely. Is it really time to through in the towel? Would couples counselling be an option? You have to make a list of pros and cons and try to assess it as objectively as possible. Talk it over with friends whose opinions you trust. All too often people throw away relationships as if they were disposable, and even though my personal opinion would be to move on, only you can decide if your relationship is truely over.

And should you do decide that it is, you must own your decision and stick to it. For only then will you be able to begin healing and moving on.

But until then, take it just one day at a time.

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